parents actually say these kinds of things to inten- tionally hurt their child.
The Mirror Held Up by Abandoning and Rejecting Parents
The secure child is nourished by the confidence that her relationship with her parents is strong and enduring and that nothing she does will make her parents abandon her. When a child does not have this inner certainty, her life is marked by it. Children who are routinely aban- doned or rejected, whether intentionally or not, tend to suffer from extreme insecurity and feelings of worthlessness. They often become very upset when their parents leave to go somewhere, convinced that their parents will never return. This insecurity and fear often contin- ues into adulthood, resulting in insecure adults who are clingy with their adult partners or who are afraid to be alone.
This was the case with Nina, who came to see me because she was being physically abused by her husband. As is the case with many abused women, Nina stayed in the relationship because she was hor- rified of being alone. “I know I should leave my husband but I’m so afraid of being all alone. At least now I have someone who needs me. Yes, he is possessive and jealous but there’s something I like about that—it makes me feel like he likes being with me. My parents never did. They were always going out and leaving me all alone with some babysitter, and I never knew when they’d be coming back. I remem- ber standing at the front window, watching them drive away and cry- ing my eyes out because I thought they were gone for good. Even when they were home I never felt like they enjoyed being with me. They just seemed to tolerate me, and I was always doing something that upset or disappointed them.”
Abandonment creates insecurity, self-obsession, and the tendency to turn anger against oneself and to idealize others. These feelings fes- ter beneath the surface, where they interfere with self-image and the forming of healthy relationships. Adults who have been abandoned as children tend to lack the confidence to reach their true potential. They also have difficulty delaying gratification, and their low self- worth causes them to go for the quick fix (they eat the chocolate cake because they need it now, forfeiting the chance to have the body they desire).
Abandonment can also create self-loathing. Tammy hated herself. She hated how she looked, but it went far deeper than that. She hated who she was. “When I look in the mirror I feel so disgusted. I just can’t stand the person I have become.” Tammy came to me because she was a cutter (a person who has an uncontrollable compulsion to cut herself). Research has shown that 50 percent of cutters have been sex- ually abused, and so my immediate assumption was that perhaps this was the cause of Tammy’s self-loathing. But as far as Tammy could remember, she had never been molested. Instead, it appeared that her self-loathing was caused by the deep sense of abandonment she felt concerning her father. Even though Tammy’s father came home from work every day and spent the evening with his family, Tammy felt horribly abandoned by him. “I don’t remember my father ever hugging me,” she explained in one of our sessions. “In fact, he seldom ever looked at me. When I came close to him he actually backed away, as if he was repulsed by me. It made me feel so ugly and so ter- rible about myself. I figured I must be a disgusting human being for my own father to be so revolted by me.”
The Smothering, Possessive, or Intrusive Parent
Parental Mirror: “You Are Nothing without Me”
This type of parent smothers his or her children with overprotection, guilt, rules, and demands. Many are desperate for their child’s love and attention. Smothering parents are overly invested in their chil- dren, often making huge sacrifices and commitments but expecting the child’s soul in return. They will often go to any length to make cer- tain that their children do not experience the
The Mirror Held Up by Abandoning and Rejecting Parents
The secure child is nourished by the confidence that her relationship with her parents is strong and enduring and that nothing she does will make her parents abandon her. When a child does not have this inner certainty, her life is marked by it. Children who are routinely aban- doned or rejected, whether intentionally or not, tend to suffer from extreme insecurity and feelings of worthlessness. They often become very upset when their parents leave to go somewhere, convinced that their parents will never return. This insecurity and fear often contin- ues into adulthood, resulting in insecure adults who are clingy with their adult partners or who are afraid to be alone.
This was the case with Nina, who came to see me because she was being physically abused by her husband. As is the case with many abused women, Nina stayed in the relationship because she was hor- rified of being alone. “I know I should leave my husband but I’m so afraid of being all alone. At least now I have someone who needs me. Yes, he is possessive and jealous but there’s something I like about that—it makes me feel like he likes being with me. My parents never did. They were always going out and leaving me all alone with some babysitter, and I never knew when they’d be coming back. I remem- ber standing at the front window, watching them drive away and cry- ing my eyes out because I thought they were gone for good. Even when they were home I never felt like they enjoyed being with me. They just seemed to tolerate me, and I was always doing something that upset or disappointed them.”
Abandonment creates insecurity, self-obsession, and the tendency to turn anger against oneself and to idealize others. These feelings fes- ter beneath the surface, where they interfere with self-image and the forming of healthy relationships. Adults who have been abandoned as children tend to lack the confidence to reach their true potential. They also have difficulty delaying gratification, and their low self- worth causes them to go for the quick fix (they eat the chocolate cake because they need it now, forfeiting the chance to have the body they desire).
Abandonment can also create self-loathing. Tammy hated herself. She hated how she looked, but it went far deeper than that. She hated who she was. “When I look in the mirror I feel so disgusted. I just can’t stand the person I have become.” Tammy came to me because she was a cutter (a person who has an uncontrollable compulsion to cut herself). Research has shown that 50 percent of cutters have been sex- ually abused, and so my immediate assumption was that perhaps this was the cause of Tammy’s self-loathing. But as far as Tammy could remember, she had never been molested. Instead, it appeared that her self-loathing was caused by the deep sense of abandonment she felt concerning her father. Even though Tammy’s father came home from work every day and spent the evening with his family, Tammy felt horribly abandoned by him. “I don’t remember my father ever hugging me,” she explained in one of our sessions. “In fact, he seldom ever looked at me. When I came close to him he actually backed away, as if he was repulsed by me. It made me feel so ugly and so ter- rible about myself. I figured I must be a disgusting human being for my own father to be so revolted by me.”
The Smothering, Possessive, or Intrusive Parent
Parental Mirror: “You Are Nothing without Me”
This type of parent smothers his or her children with overprotection, guilt, rules, and demands. Many are desperate for their child’s love and attention. Smothering parents are overly invested in their chil- dren, often making huge sacrifices and commitments but expecting the child’s soul in return. They will often go to any length to make cer- tain that their children do not experience the
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