remember. It’s as though my whole world narrowed to that one point, to that tremor.
That’s when he walked in.
‘Can we stop?’ I asked Doctor Gilyard, standing up and looking at the door. My heart was beating so hard I thought it was trying to come through my ribs.
She nodded and closed her notebook. ‘If you’d like to, Emily.’
But I was gone before she finished the sentence.
Lily has been giving me her laxatives so I missed my session with Doctor Gilyard this week. My ‘tummy bug’ should have given me a reprieve until next week, but Doctor Gilyard just swept into my room with a chair. She didn’t say anything, just sat by my bed.
I considered pulling the blanket over my head, but I sat up with a sullen sigh and crossed my legs. ‘I’m fine,’ I told her, but my voice sounded old. Rusty.
‘Glad to hear it,’ she said with a tight smile. ‘Where were we?’
I blinked at her. ‘Excuse me?’
She reached into her bag for her notebook and it made the hair on my arms prickle with panic. ‘Can’t this wait until our next session?’
‘When will that be, Emily?’
‘I told you,
I’m fine
.’
‘You’d rather take laxatives than say his name. That isn’t fine.’
I turned my face away and looked at the lines scratched into the wall by bed.
‘Look at me, Emily.’
I shook my head. Everything in my skull felt loose. ‘I can’t. It’s too hard.’
‘Who said it would be easy?’
‘I don’t get this.’ I looked down at the blanket and started tracing the weave of the cheap wool with my finger. ‘It’s done. Why do we have to keep talking about it?’
‘This is what the judge decided, to send you here.’
I looked up at her then. ‘But you can tell them. You can tell them I’m okay.’
‘So you’d rather
go to prison
than say his name?’
I looked back down at the blanket. When I didn’t respond, I heard her sigh. ‘You can’t go into the main wing, Emily. You’re too vulnerable.’
I scoffed at that. ‘I’m Harry Koll’s daughter. No one would touch me.’
‘Prison isn’t just about surviving, Emily, it’s about
rehabilitation
. You won’t get better there.’
‘I’m evil,’ I told her with a slow smile. ‘There’s no pill for evil.’
‘You’re not evil, Emily, and you will get better.’
‘How?’
‘By talking about it.’
‘I can talk. I can talk about Juliet until my last breath.’ I liftedmy chin defiantly. ‘She’s a fucking bitch and I hate her. I hate her. She ruined my life. And I’m not sorry. I’d do it all again if I could. I’d burn everything she has.’
Doctor Gilyard waited for me to stop and take a breath, then nodded. ‘You’ll talk about the bad things you’ve done, Emily. But you won’t talk about the good things.’
I held my arms out. ‘There’s no good here.’
‘You can talk about her because you hate her. But you can’t talk about him because you love him.’
I glared at her and shook my head.
‘And that’s understandable; you’re happy to get rid of your feelings for Juliet because they’re a burden, but you hold on to your feelings for him because they’re what make you human. What make you more than Emily Koll the gangster’s daughter.’
I continued to shake my head as though if I did it enough, I’d shake her away.
‘He makes you want to be a better person but you don’t think you can be.’
I put my hands in my hair and pulled. ‘Stop!’
‘This is it, Emily,’ she told me. ‘This is the line. You have to follow me across it.’
‘Will you just go!’ I roared. ‘Get out!’
I didn’t think she would, but she stood up. Before she left, she reached into her bag and pulled out a piece of chalk. She held it up to me and I watched as she drew a line on the floor between my bed and the door.
‘When you’re ready,’ she said, closing the door behind her.
I’ve been crying since Doctor Gilyard left.
I can’t remember the last time I cried. I used to cry all the time – at
That’s when he walked in.
‘Can we stop?’ I asked Doctor Gilyard, standing up and looking at the door. My heart was beating so hard I thought it was trying to come through my ribs.
She nodded and closed her notebook. ‘If you’d like to, Emily.’
But I was gone before she finished the sentence.
Lily has been giving me her laxatives so I missed my session with Doctor Gilyard this week. My ‘tummy bug’ should have given me a reprieve until next week, but Doctor Gilyard just swept into my room with a chair. She didn’t say anything, just sat by my bed.
I considered pulling the blanket over my head, but I sat up with a sullen sigh and crossed my legs. ‘I’m fine,’ I told her, but my voice sounded old. Rusty.
‘Glad to hear it,’ she said with a tight smile. ‘Where were we?’
I blinked at her. ‘Excuse me?’
She reached into her bag for her notebook and it made the hair on my arms prickle with panic. ‘Can’t this wait until our next session?’
‘When will that be, Emily?’
‘I told you,
I’m fine
.’
‘You’d rather take laxatives than say his name. That isn’t fine.’
I turned my face away and looked at the lines scratched into the wall by bed.
‘Look at me, Emily.’
I shook my head. Everything in my skull felt loose. ‘I can’t. It’s too hard.’
‘Who said it would be easy?’
‘I don’t get this.’ I looked down at the blanket and started tracing the weave of the cheap wool with my finger. ‘It’s done. Why do we have to keep talking about it?’
‘This is what the judge decided, to send you here.’
I looked up at her then. ‘But you can tell them. You can tell them I’m okay.’
‘So you’d rather
go to prison
than say his name?’
I looked back down at the blanket. When I didn’t respond, I heard her sigh. ‘You can’t go into the main wing, Emily. You’re too vulnerable.’
I scoffed at that. ‘I’m Harry Koll’s daughter. No one would touch me.’
‘Prison isn’t just about surviving, Emily, it’s about
rehabilitation
. You won’t get better there.’
‘I’m evil,’ I told her with a slow smile. ‘There’s no pill for evil.’
‘You’re not evil, Emily, and you will get better.’
‘How?’
‘By talking about it.’
‘I can talk. I can talk about Juliet until my last breath.’ I liftedmy chin defiantly. ‘She’s a fucking bitch and I hate her. I hate her. She ruined my life. And I’m not sorry. I’d do it all again if I could. I’d burn everything she has.’
Doctor Gilyard waited for me to stop and take a breath, then nodded. ‘You’ll talk about the bad things you’ve done, Emily. But you won’t talk about the good things.’
I held my arms out. ‘There’s no good here.’
‘You can talk about her because you hate her. But you can’t talk about him because you love him.’
I glared at her and shook my head.
‘And that’s understandable; you’re happy to get rid of your feelings for Juliet because they’re a burden, but you hold on to your feelings for him because they’re what make you human. What make you more than Emily Koll the gangster’s daughter.’
I continued to shake my head as though if I did it enough, I’d shake her away.
‘He makes you want to be a better person but you don’t think you can be.’
I put my hands in my hair and pulled. ‘Stop!’
‘This is it, Emily,’ she told me. ‘This is the line. You have to follow me across it.’
‘Will you just go!’ I roared. ‘Get out!’
I didn’t think she would, but she stood up. Before she left, she reached into her bag and pulled out a piece of chalk. She held it up to me and I watched as she drew a line on the floor between my bed and the door.
‘When you’re ready,’ she said, closing the door behind her.
I’ve been crying since Doctor Gilyard left.
I can’t remember the last time I cried. I used to cry all the time – at
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