Heartless (Keeping Secrets) by J. Roman Page A

between his pecs. I listened to the steady thumping of his heart and smelled the clean scent of male and felt the warmth of his arms around me. It was like coming home.
    “Jason.” My name was a prayer, and I loved the way it sounded on his lips. My fear and pain transformed into something else, something tender. I pressed a kiss to his neck.
    “I’m sorry,” I whispered. I wasn’t sure what I was apologizing for, but there it was. I think I was sorry for everything, for the shitty thing I’d done freshman year, for the way I’d scoffed at him afterward, for hitting on his cousin, for the mess he’d had to drag me out of. I was sick to death of myself in that instant, and I wanted to apologize for my very existence.
    “It’s okay.” His voice had taken on the same hushed cadence as mine. Forgiveness was so sweet when I was getting held like this.
    He tilted my chin up so our lips could meet, and I can honestly say it was the sweetest kiss I’d ever been given. The mask I usually wore slipped away, and I was just Jason and he was just Tommy and the world had stopped spinning, time had stopped going forward and had ceased to exist altogether. Nothing from before was important and nothing that would come after. The only thing that mattered was the firm press of his lips to mine and the first tentative touch of his tongue. I got drunk off one taste of Tommy.
    I don’t know how long we kissed. I do know that he was the one to pull back. “You don’t have to do this to thank me.” He shook his head like he was trying to clear it. “I know that’s what you think, but that’s not what’s going on. Okay?” My eyes blinked open lazily.
    “Then what is this?” I asked. He worried his bottom lip between his teeth, and I was enchanted by the nervous gesture.
    “I like you.” The words were mumbled, barely understandable. I couldn’t comprehend them.
    “Why?”
    “Because you’re sexy and smart and funny and about a million other things you don’t notice, but everyone else does.” Tommy wouldn’t meet my eyes as he made the confession. How could he think those things about me? I had done something unforgivable.
    “You told me to stay away from Danny,” I said, repeating the words he’d spat at me at the drum circle. “You told me that I’d ruined your life.”
    He sighed and seemed to hold onto me tighter as he spoke. “I told you to stay away from Danny because I was jealous.” My heart thudded painfully in my chest. “And you didn’t ruin my life. You hurt my ego.”
    Hope pounded through my veins. Hope is an ugly thing. It’s a demon, really. It makes you think everything is going to be all right just before it crushes you. It’s the exit sign in a horror movie that the main characters are racing toward as a killer chases after them. It’s also the bag of popcorn some kid left on the floor for the protagonist to trip over so they fall just short of freedom. Their death becomes so much more tragic because of that stupid fucking hopeful sign. My thoughts raced as I took in his words. Did he understand? Did he get it? Did he want me? Really want me this time? I had to test it.
    I forced myself to chuckle. “Hey, man, if this is about sex, I’m down. You’re hot as hell, and you know it. But I’m not into relationships.” As screwed up as it was, I wanted him to correct me. I wanted him to refuse to touch me because it would sully what we could conceivably have. I wanted him to shake me and tell me that love was not sex and what he felt for me went beyond his urge to ejaculate.
    “Is that what you want?” he asked. My heart sank. Yeah, hope was a bitch. I wanted to cry all over again, but I wouldn’t. Not now. Now I was back on familiar territory.
    I shrugged. The shrug meant everything and nothing. “I’m not exactly good to go right now, but if you want to pick it up in a few hours, I should be good.” Why did I do this to myself? Why? Not even I could explain. I hated myself for