Heartless (Keeping Secrets) by J. Roman Page B

doing it but couldn’t seem to stop from doing it, either. I was stuck in this fucking cycle of men wanting a piece of me and me throwing it at them and relishing the fact that they couldn’t hurt me. But they were hurting me, weren’t they? My worth had been reduced to a set of well-placed orifices. I couldn’t blame them entirely. I’d done my fair share of making myself a sex object, but damn it, for once I wanted someone to see me. Maybe that was why I liked Danny. He didn’t know me well enough to eye me with that kind of hunger. Even if he did, it was an innocent lust. I envied him that.
    “Jason? Are you okay?” I realized then I was breathing like I was winded. I forced my breathing to slow down. I smiled. It was more of a baring of teeth than anything.
    “Right as rain. I’ve got to get going. I need to go home.” I need to get the hell away from you and your stupid hope . I tried to pull out of Tommy’s embrace, but he wouldn’t release me. I glared. “Let me go.”
    “Stop playing your games with me, Jason,” he said. I looked at him nose to nose. I wanted to hit him.
    “I’m playing games? Fuck you.” I didn’t know what was happening. My emotions were fluctuating wildly. I was drowning in the veritable toilet bowl of my thoughts.
    “I don’t want this to be just about fucking, Jason. I want this to be real. Not like me blowing you in a locker room. God. You are so jaded. Don’t you feel anything?” No, I didn’t. Didn’t he know my rep? I was fucking heartless.

Chapter Six
     
    “ H AVEN ’ T you heard the things people say about me?” I asked nastily. I was going to stop this before it was too late. I had to stop falling in love with him.
    “They’re not true,” Tommy said.
    I laughed. “You sure about that?” Say it , I told myself. Say the words that will make him leave you alone. I knew what they were, if I could only choke them out. “What would your mom say about that?” I had actually said them. He froze, his gray eyes widening in pain. Predatory satisfaction shot through me, along with every ounce of disgust I’d ever felt.
    “That was low. Even for you,” he whispered. I’d hurt him. I’d hurt him deeply. I wanted to beg his forgiveness. I wanted to say I was sorry and that I didn’t mean it. I wanted to say that I still loved him even after everything that had happened. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I was a coward. I was a broken fuck doll with sightless eyes and no soul.
    “I should go,” I said.
    “You should apologize for talking shit about my mom,” he corrected. Why wasn’t he angry with me? Why wasn’t he pounding the shit out of me? Why wasn’t he punishing me for what I’d done?
    “I’m sorry.” I said the words without thinking. He’d commanded and I’d obeyed. The “I’m sorry” had been thoughtless and beautiful and right. His kindness made me want to be better than I was, better than I ever thought I could be. The reason wasn’t really important. He was being nice to me, and that was all that mattered.
    “God,” he whispered. “Who broke you?” I wasn’t just broken. I was ruined. Something that was ruined could not be fixed. Something this dirty could not be cleaned.
    He cupped my face and kissed me. I whimpered. I couldn’t suppress my sound of surrender if I tried. I wound my arms around his neck and climbed him like a jungle gym. For once, it wasn’t about the sex or the power; it was about two boys finding a little relief in a world where nothing worked out like the movies and happily ever after was for girls and fairy tales.
    He pressed me down against his soft, clean comforter and kissed me harder. I wanted him so badly. I don’t think I had really ever desired anything like I desired him. I wanted him to cleanse me of all my faults and find a worthy person underneath.
    He didn’t reach for my jeans, despite the fact I was obviously aching and so was he. I loved him a little more for that. We kissed for endless