Heller's Punishment by J.D. Nixon

than the physical to
you? It doesn’t matter what I do with them. I don’t care about any
of them. It’s just sex. I don’t even remember them afterwards.”
    “Well, using
your logic, I guess that I can ‘care’ about you and still keep
sleeping with as many other men as I want because it’s just
sex .”
    Quick as the
wind, he’d pinned me to the bed. “No. It’s not the same between us.
There’s always emotion involved in sex for you. You’re an emotional
person. You can’t separate the emotional from the physical. And
it’s not okay with me for you to share any of that with another
man. I hate it when you do.”
    I struggled
against him. “You’re such a hypocrite. Let me go.”
    “Matilda, one
day you’ll understand me.”
    “I’ll never understand you.”
    He was silent
for so long I didn’t think he would respond. When he did speak, his
voice was quiet. “You’ll understand me one day, my sweet. I need
you to. I need you.” And he gathered me in his arms and crushed me
up against him, holding me tightly.
    I didn’t know
what had just happened. It was out of my realm of experience. It
seemed significant, but I didn’t know why and that only made me
feel naive. And for the first time since I’d met him, the nine-year
gap in our ages mattered. He needed . . . I didn’t know. I wanted .
. . I didn’t know. I realised sadly that I didn’t know much at all
about either Heller or myself. That was no way to have a
relationship.
    Why did it all
have to be so complicated?
    Trapped in his
arms all night, listening to his steady heartbeat and breathing,
for once I didn’t sleep well.
    As usual, he
was gone when my alarm woke me. He seemed to exist on less sleep
than normal people and I knew that he liked to do an early morning
workout each day. I had a big day ahead and decided I’d better get
a good workout in while I could as well. Who knew what facilities
would be available in a rehab clinic.
    I went down to
the house gym on the floor below. Also on that level was Sid and
Clive’s flat. The good insulation of the old brick building meant
that the twins were never disturbed by any noise coming from the
gym.
    Heller was just
finishing up his own routine and I stopped to watch him for a short
while, admiring his strength and muscularity. He met my eyes in the
mirror, but otherwise ignored me. Nothing distracted him from
keeping his body beautiful. Compared to most of the men I knew in
my personal life – my father, brothers, cousins and ex-boyfriends –
he was vain, caring greatly for his appearance, but he wasn’t
flashy about it. He was well-groomed and extremely well-dressed,
but he paid absolutely no attention to other people’s reactions to
his incredible good looks. At that moment, he was only wearing tiny
skin-tight black gym shorts, no shirt. And despite my emotional
turmoil last night, I’ll admit that I found it hard to tear my eyes
away from his glistening muscles as they tensed and relaxed. Hmm,
it had been a while since I’d had any sex. And who’d have imagined
that a sweaty, smelly man could be so alluring?
    I forced myself
to the treadmill, pushed my headphones into my ears, turned on some
of my favourite music and prepared to zone out. I punished myself
for the next forty minutes, reaching a tough speed and gradient.
Heller watched me for a while once he’d finished his workout, but I
guess it became boring looking at my butt and he soon left me alone
in the gym. I moved over to the weights area and did my own
routine. I wasn’t interested in building gigantic muscles – I was
no female bodybuilder – but I wanted fitness and strength so that I
could kick butts and wrestle with maniacs when necessary.
    Unattractively
red-faced and dripping with sweat, I headed back to my place to
jump in the shower and have a decent breakfast. I spent some time
packing for the week, after ringing Heller to check whether or not
I’d be in uniform. I wouldn’t, so I packed a week’s