of not dwelling on such things—life above ground is enough to cope with without worrying about what other species do. It's their business.
"I am Princess Dekosli Beastaxe," said the haughty young ruler-to-be. I assumed she was young, but again, dwarfs.
"Nice to meet you, Princess Beastaxe," I kept a straight face and everything. What a name. Again, that's dwarves for you.
"Is this your squire?" she inquired, nodding regally at Mithnite, who was keeping very quiet.
"Squire? Um, we don't really have those now, he's more a comedy sidekick, or a servant. Yes, that's it, a servant."
"Oi, I am not a—"
"Quiet, servant, speak when you are spoken to," said the princess.
"Yes, servant, do shut up." I smiled sweetly at Mithnite, who pulled a face. Served him right for not doing as he was told. "Apologies for the rudeness of the lad, princess, he's still new. I'm breaking him in."
"Please, call me Dekosli," she said, trying to sound gracious and royal, when it just came out arrogant and pompous.
"I'd rather call you a cab."
"Why?"
"Never mind, I forgot."
"Forgot what?"
I was going to say that I forgot dwarves had little sense of humor, but instead changed the subject. "Doesn't matter. Look, what is this all about? Is this how you treat those you wish to help you?"
She looked at me, not understanding. "Yes, it is."
"Ah, right."
There was an awkward silence, eventually interrupted by the one to her left. "Princess, shall we give him the task?"
"Yes, yes, of course. Black Spark, you have been granted the task of carrying out a quest never before undertaken. No human has ever been invited into our home here beneath the gray skies of Wales for almost five thousand years. It is a great honor for you, and this quest, if you should succeed, which is highly doubtful," she added, hardly making me feel thrilled, and what was with the whole quest thing anyway? Just dwarf dramatics, I hoped.
"Where was I?" she asked, losing her train of thought.
"Quests, honor, gonna be dangerous," I added helpfully.
"Yes. Should you succeed then you will be allowed to return to the realm of man with as much of our gold as you can carry about your person. You are indeed honored."
"Oh, yes, I am. Indeed." This had better be good, it was one hell of a build up.
"You are to go forth from this place, this Chamber of Greeting, and you are to travel down the Path of No Return, traverse the Hall of Echoes, enter the Cathedral of Forgotten Ones and—"
"Should I have a pen? I should, shouldn't I? I should have a pen. I'm terrible with directions. Now, was that a left or a right at the Chamber of Almighty Spasms?" I know, but I was feeling kind of giddy. Maybe the air was different or something.
"Dare you mock me?" She leaned forward on her throne, beard brushing the ground.
"Moi? No, of course not. The very idea. But I don't know my way around, how will I know where I am?"
"We have a guide for you. Someone suitable to show you the way. Once there, you will complete your duty and then you may leave. But hear this, Black Spark, you too, strange looking servant. Should you fail, should you try to cheat us, should you go where you are not given permission to go, you will never see the sun again. Do I make myself clear?"
"As clear as the beard on your face. As clear as a teardrop of an angel. As clear as a flawless diamond cut to perfection by Malcolm Chiselwielder. As clear as—"
"Just get on with it," she said with a sigh. And shouted, "Urrad Pebbleminer."
Pebbleminer, eh? I just knew this was gonna be great. Not.
A Reluctant Guide
"Urrad Pebbleminer, I presume," I said to the dwarf shuffling across the cavernous space from out of the shadows, taking his/her time, not looking happy even by dwarf standards. I'd never seen any of the proper, always live underground, dwarves smile, but this one looked like it had never even heard of the concept.
This was not going to be a fun trip.
"Yeah, so what?" came a whiny, semi gruff, semi
"I am Princess Dekosli Beastaxe," said the haughty young ruler-to-be. I assumed she was young, but again, dwarfs.
"Nice to meet you, Princess Beastaxe," I kept a straight face and everything. What a name. Again, that's dwarves for you.
"Is this your squire?" she inquired, nodding regally at Mithnite, who was keeping very quiet.
"Squire? Um, we don't really have those now, he's more a comedy sidekick, or a servant. Yes, that's it, a servant."
"Oi, I am not a—"
"Quiet, servant, speak when you are spoken to," said the princess.
"Yes, servant, do shut up." I smiled sweetly at Mithnite, who pulled a face. Served him right for not doing as he was told. "Apologies for the rudeness of the lad, princess, he's still new. I'm breaking him in."
"Please, call me Dekosli," she said, trying to sound gracious and royal, when it just came out arrogant and pompous.
"I'd rather call you a cab."
"Why?"
"Never mind, I forgot."
"Forgot what?"
I was going to say that I forgot dwarves had little sense of humor, but instead changed the subject. "Doesn't matter. Look, what is this all about? Is this how you treat those you wish to help you?"
She looked at me, not understanding. "Yes, it is."
"Ah, right."
There was an awkward silence, eventually interrupted by the one to her left. "Princess, shall we give him the task?"
"Yes, yes, of course. Black Spark, you have been granted the task of carrying out a quest never before undertaken. No human has ever been invited into our home here beneath the gray skies of Wales for almost five thousand years. It is a great honor for you, and this quest, if you should succeed, which is highly doubtful," she added, hardly making me feel thrilled, and what was with the whole quest thing anyway? Just dwarf dramatics, I hoped.
"Where was I?" she asked, losing her train of thought.
"Quests, honor, gonna be dangerous," I added helpfully.
"Yes. Should you succeed then you will be allowed to return to the realm of man with as much of our gold as you can carry about your person. You are indeed honored."
"Oh, yes, I am. Indeed." This had better be good, it was one hell of a build up.
"You are to go forth from this place, this Chamber of Greeting, and you are to travel down the Path of No Return, traverse the Hall of Echoes, enter the Cathedral of Forgotten Ones and—"
"Should I have a pen? I should, shouldn't I? I should have a pen. I'm terrible with directions. Now, was that a left or a right at the Chamber of Almighty Spasms?" I know, but I was feeling kind of giddy. Maybe the air was different or something.
"Dare you mock me?" She leaned forward on her throne, beard brushing the ground.
"Moi? No, of course not. The very idea. But I don't know my way around, how will I know where I am?"
"We have a guide for you. Someone suitable to show you the way. Once there, you will complete your duty and then you may leave. But hear this, Black Spark, you too, strange looking servant. Should you fail, should you try to cheat us, should you go where you are not given permission to go, you will never see the sun again. Do I make myself clear?"
"As clear as the beard on your face. As clear as a teardrop of an angel. As clear as a flawless diamond cut to perfection by Malcolm Chiselwielder. As clear as—"
"Just get on with it," she said with a sigh. And shouted, "Urrad Pebbleminer."
Pebbleminer, eh? I just knew this was gonna be great. Not.
A Reluctant Guide
"Urrad Pebbleminer, I presume," I said to the dwarf shuffling across the cavernous space from out of the shadows, taking his/her time, not looking happy even by dwarf standards. I'd never seen any of the proper, always live underground, dwarves smile, but this one looked like it had never even heard of the concept.
This was not going to be a fun trip.
"Yeah, so what?" came a whiny, semi gruff, semi
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