into anger to enable him to survive it. He tried to do the same thing now, to summon enough anger to...
To do what? He couldn't leave Pietr; neither of them would survive it, and he wasn't willing to sacrifice his life on top of everything else. He had already sacrificed his life as he knew it and maybe his humanity as well. Humans had tried to kill him just because he associated with the Himika.
And there was no way back. He was bound to someone who had done something more horrible than Matt could fathom. Just the thought of Pietr was enough to make him sick again.
He sat by the tree for hours, hugging himself and staring out at the forest surrounding him. He had no idea how much time had passed, and he started when a movement at the corner of his vision tore him out of this thoughts. It was dusk, and his body was stiff when he tried to get up.
"I don't think you should spend the night here." Pietr's voice was subdued, and he didn't try to reach Matt mentally.
Matt nodded. He cringed when Pietr took hold of his good arm to help him up, though.
Pietr froze. Then his mate pulled him carefully to his feet, avoiding all but the most necessary touch.
The walk back to the cabin took forever. Matt was exhausted, his head hurting and his body so tired that he had no other choice than to let Pietr support him. It was either that or be carried, and Matt had no wish to be that close to Pietr. He felt Pietr flinch at that thought and pulled further back mentally. He couldn't bear being this intimate after what he had learned about his mate.
Back at the cabin, Pietr helped him into the bathroom, turning on the water and leaving him alone to undress.
He clambered into the tub and sat down, pulling his legs up and cradling his left arm while the water slowly rose around his body. The warmth took away the numb feeling and loosened his tense muscles. It also took away his defenses, and Matt bent his head and wept. He didn't do anything to stop it or to wipe his cheeks, just gave in to the misery and cried. His mate had betrayed him, and there was nowhere for him to go, no way to make this better.
He was completely empty when Pietr came and helped him out of the tub later. He had stopped crying at some point, and now he let Pietr support him while he stepped out of the tub. He shrank away when Pietr tried to dry him, though. He noticed the pain on Pietr's face, but he couldn't bring himself to care.
He dried himself and got dressed. Then he stopped out of the bathroom, not knowing what to do.
"There's some food. You should eat."
Matt sat down without a word. He couldn't even tell what it was that he ate, only that it tasted like cardboard. When he had finished, he went into the bedroom and lay down, keeping his clothes on.
"I'll sleep in the other bedroom." The quiet defeat in Pietr's voice hurt some part of Matt, but he pushed it down and ignored the feeling.
It took a long time before he fell asleep.
***
For the next couple of days, Matt avoided Pietr as much as possible. Which wasn't a lot; Matt was still so weak that he could hardly move. The long walk to the clearing in the woods had definitely been too strenuous for him, and he was sore and exhausted.
He couldn't keep up the block against their mental connection all the time. His bruised brain was still too battered to do what he wanted most of all: to shut Pietr out entirely. The brief glimpses of Pietr's mind were enough to make it all start again, the disgust and sorrow over losing someone who had meant everything to him. His head was pounding all the time, the stress and mourning worsening the after-effects of the concussion.
Pietr was there, but kept a certain distance all the time, looking defeated and worried. Even with the lack of contact, being this close was still almost unbearable for Matt, the sight of Pietr constantly reminding him what he had lost. It made him feel sick, making eating impossible, and that only made him feel worse.
On the evening
To do what? He couldn't leave Pietr; neither of them would survive it, and he wasn't willing to sacrifice his life on top of everything else. He had already sacrificed his life as he knew it and maybe his humanity as well. Humans had tried to kill him just because he associated with the Himika.
And there was no way back. He was bound to someone who had done something more horrible than Matt could fathom. Just the thought of Pietr was enough to make him sick again.
He sat by the tree for hours, hugging himself and staring out at the forest surrounding him. He had no idea how much time had passed, and he started when a movement at the corner of his vision tore him out of this thoughts. It was dusk, and his body was stiff when he tried to get up.
"I don't think you should spend the night here." Pietr's voice was subdued, and he didn't try to reach Matt mentally.
Matt nodded. He cringed when Pietr took hold of his good arm to help him up, though.
Pietr froze. Then his mate pulled him carefully to his feet, avoiding all but the most necessary touch.
The walk back to the cabin took forever. Matt was exhausted, his head hurting and his body so tired that he had no other choice than to let Pietr support him. It was either that or be carried, and Matt had no wish to be that close to Pietr. He felt Pietr flinch at that thought and pulled further back mentally. He couldn't bear being this intimate after what he had learned about his mate.
Back at the cabin, Pietr helped him into the bathroom, turning on the water and leaving him alone to undress.
He clambered into the tub and sat down, pulling his legs up and cradling his left arm while the water slowly rose around his body. The warmth took away the numb feeling and loosened his tense muscles. It also took away his defenses, and Matt bent his head and wept. He didn't do anything to stop it or to wipe his cheeks, just gave in to the misery and cried. His mate had betrayed him, and there was nowhere for him to go, no way to make this better.
He was completely empty when Pietr came and helped him out of the tub later. He had stopped crying at some point, and now he let Pietr support him while he stepped out of the tub. He shrank away when Pietr tried to dry him, though. He noticed the pain on Pietr's face, but he couldn't bring himself to care.
He dried himself and got dressed. Then he stopped out of the bathroom, not knowing what to do.
"There's some food. You should eat."
Matt sat down without a word. He couldn't even tell what it was that he ate, only that it tasted like cardboard. When he had finished, he went into the bedroom and lay down, keeping his clothes on.
"I'll sleep in the other bedroom." The quiet defeat in Pietr's voice hurt some part of Matt, but he pushed it down and ignored the feeling.
It took a long time before he fell asleep.
***
For the next couple of days, Matt avoided Pietr as much as possible. Which wasn't a lot; Matt was still so weak that he could hardly move. The long walk to the clearing in the woods had definitely been too strenuous for him, and he was sore and exhausted.
He couldn't keep up the block against their mental connection all the time. His bruised brain was still too battered to do what he wanted most of all: to shut Pietr out entirely. The brief glimpses of Pietr's mind were enough to make it all start again, the disgust and sorrow over losing someone who had meant everything to him. His head was pounding all the time, the stress and mourning worsening the after-effects of the concussion.
Pietr was there, but kept a certain distance all the time, looking defeated and worried. Even with the lack of contact, being this close was still almost unbearable for Matt, the sight of Pietr constantly reminding him what he had lost. It made him feel sick, making eating impossible, and that only made him feel worse.
On the evening
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