want a reason. Not
some flippant throwaway excuse that tells me nothing.'
It was the direct question she'd dreaded, and it demanded the
direct answer she could not give.
Because I discovered I'd been blind enough and crazy enough
to give you the power to smash me into little pieces. To break
my heart so cruelly and completely that I would never
recover.
Because it was only when I saw you with another woman in
your arms on our wedding day that I realised how deeply I'd
fallen in love with you, and that it would kill me to live only
half a life with you— knowing that I would have to share you.
That it was her that you really wanted—not me— and ours
was just a marriage of convenience.
Knowing, too, that any happiness found would be a sham and
a betrayal.
And that the only way I could retain my sanity—and my self-
respect—would be to distance myself from you totally, utterly
and for ever.
But to say the words aloud would be another fatal betrayal.
She would be admitting that his pretence at wooing her had
succeeded only too well, and that as she'd stood beside him
and repeated her vows she'd been loving and longing for him
with shy but passionate ardour.
And to let him know that she'd been such a pathetic, gullible
fool was more than flesh and blood could stand. She could not
bear such a stark humiliation.
Better, she thought, to endure Nick's anger than his pity.
She had no idea, of course, if Vanessa Layton was still part of
his life. If she was even now installed at Southwood Cottage,
or whether she'd been supplanted by someone else.
No doubt she would find out soon enough, she told herself,
her whole being wincing from the thought. But what she must
never do was give Nick even a hint that she cared. That his
blatant disregard for fidelity mattered to her so ba dry that
seeing him with Vanessa had torn her apart, leaving her torn
and bleeding. And running away, like a small wounded
animal seeking sanctuary, had seemed the only possible
remedy. A chance to heal herself somehow—eventually.
As he'd admitted himself, he was not and never had been the
marrying kind. But he needed someone to run his ho me
efficiently—and, it now seemed, to give him a child. With
Nick there was always an agenda.
And I was conveniently available, she thought, and so piti-
fully ready to believe every charming, seductive lie he told
me. Not to mention the merit points he'd gain by rescuing the
neighbourhood's penniless orphan. Why couldn't I see that he
was taking me in lieu of the money my grandfather owed
him? That was why he could still justify continuing his affair
with Vanessa— because he was just balancing the bloody
books.
She drew a ragged, painful breath.
He said harshly, 'I'm wailing for an answer.'
Slowly, reluctantly, she turned to face him. Her eyes were
accustomed now lo the semi-darkness, and she could see that
he was propped up on one elbow, watching her, although she
was unable to read his expression. But then, did she really
want lo? She said, 'I told you—I knew I'd made a terrible
mistake and I couldn't think how to put it right. So I suppose I
took the coward's way out—and left.'
'And that's all there was to it?'
'Yes.' Or she could ever admit to.
'It didn't occur to you to talk to me? That maybe together we
could have sorted something out?'
'I was afraid that—somehow—you'd persuade me to stay.'
That, she thought, at least was the truth.
'It's almost comforting lo know that once seemed possible.'
His lone was wry.
'I can assure you it didn't last long,' she said defensively.
'Now, that carries real conviction,' he resumed grimly. 'But if
that's away of telling me I still have a struggle on my hands, I
recommend that you think again. Because I've no intention of
fighting fair.' She said tonelessly, ‘I will consider myself
warned.'
'On the other hand,' he said, after a pause, 'it doesn't have to be
like this.' 'As long as I do what you
some flippant throwaway excuse that tells me nothing.'
It was the direct question she'd dreaded, and it demanded the
direct answer she could not give.
Because I discovered I'd been blind enough and crazy enough
to give you the power to smash me into little pieces. To break
my heart so cruelly and completely that I would never
recover.
Because it was only when I saw you with another woman in
your arms on our wedding day that I realised how deeply I'd
fallen in love with you, and that it would kill me to live only
half a life with you— knowing that I would have to share you.
That it was her that you really wanted—not me— and ours
was just a marriage of convenience.
Knowing, too, that any happiness found would be a sham and
a betrayal.
And that the only way I could retain my sanity—and my self-
respect—would be to distance myself from you totally, utterly
and for ever.
But to say the words aloud would be another fatal betrayal.
She would be admitting that his pretence at wooing her had
succeeded only too well, and that as she'd stood beside him
and repeated her vows she'd been loving and longing for him
with shy but passionate ardour.
And to let him know that she'd been such a pathetic, gullible
fool was more than flesh and blood could stand. She could not
bear such a stark humiliation.
Better, she thought, to endure Nick's anger than his pity.
She had no idea, of course, if Vanessa Layton was still part of
his life. If she was even now installed at Southwood Cottage,
or whether she'd been supplanted by someone else.
No doubt she would find out soon enough, she told herself,
her whole being wincing from the thought. But what she must
never do was give Nick even a hint that she cared. That his
blatant disregard for fidelity mattered to her so ba dry that
seeing him with Vanessa had torn her apart, leaving her torn
and bleeding. And running away, like a small wounded
animal seeking sanctuary, had seemed the only possible
remedy. A chance to heal herself somehow—eventually.
As he'd admitted himself, he was not and never had been the
marrying kind. But he needed someone to run his ho me
efficiently—and, it now seemed, to give him a child. With
Nick there was always an agenda.
And I was conveniently available, she thought, and so piti-
fully ready to believe every charming, seductive lie he told
me. Not to mention the merit points he'd gain by rescuing the
neighbourhood's penniless orphan. Why couldn't I see that he
was taking me in lieu of the money my grandfather owed
him? That was why he could still justify continuing his affair
with Vanessa— because he was just balancing the bloody
books.
She drew a ragged, painful breath.
He said harshly, 'I'm wailing for an answer.'
Slowly, reluctantly, she turned to face him. Her eyes were
accustomed now lo the semi-darkness, and she could see that
he was propped up on one elbow, watching her, although she
was unable to read his expression. But then, did she really
want lo? She said, 'I told you—I knew I'd made a terrible
mistake and I couldn't think how to put it right. So I suppose I
took the coward's way out—and left.'
'And that's all there was to it?'
'Yes.' Or she could ever admit to.
'It didn't occur to you to talk to me? That maybe together we
could have sorted something out?'
'I was afraid that—somehow—you'd persuade me to stay.'
That, she thought, at least was the truth.
'It's almost comforting lo know that once seemed possible.'
His lone was wry.
'I can assure you it didn't last long,' she said defensively.
'Now, that carries real conviction,' he resumed grimly. 'But if
that's away of telling me I still have a struggle on my hands, I
recommend that you think again. Because I've no intention of
fighting fair.' She said tonelessly, ‘I will consider myself
warned.'
'On the other hand,' he said, after a pause, 'it doesn't have to be
like this.' 'As long as I do what you
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