your life. I will tell you that my wish for you is that you went to school and you got your degree...you met a woman to love...you work hard and play harder...and that someday you have a family of your own with a boy you can love as much as I love you.
You have given my nothing but joy since the day you were born and no matter what the circumstances of your birth were, not one second of one day in nineteen years did I feel any regret for becoming your mother.
The second reason you may be reading this letter is that you’re at a crossroads in your life and struggling with which path to take. Kevin promised me that if that happened he would give you this letter. There is something that you need to know that I wasn’t allowed to tell you while I was alive. I hope once you read this that you’ll forgive me for my part in making you believe something that wasn’t true. I wasn’t given a choice and I hoped that it would never matter.
When I was young I fell hard for your father. He was so handsome and charming. I knew the kind of family that he came from, but in my youth and naivety I believed that our love would be enough to make him want to change. I found out pretty quickly how silly of me that was. After I had Alex, your grandfather passed away and your father took over the “family” business. Something about the control consumed him.
The parts of him that were good...the parts that made me fall in love with him...those parts started to fade into the background over time. He became someone that even I didn’t recognize. He became controlling with every aspect of his life...including his family. He felt that since he was “in charge” of his siblings and their lives, he was “in charge” of mine as well. My life became the stuff that nightmares were made of because I did something crazy...I tried to leave.
I took Alex and I went to stay with my mother in Maine. Jackson sent Kevin for me. I thank God for that to this day. For one thing if he had sent one of the other men there is no telling what might have happened to me when I refused to go. I had to protect my son. I didn’t feel that I could do that in New York in a house where gangsters came in and out as if they owned the place.
Kevin came with the intentions of doing what his older brother ordered him to do. While he was there my mother became very ill. He stalled Jackson by telling him I was needed to care for my mother. Jackson accepted that, but he made it clear that when she got better...or died, that I would be brought straight back. My mother had cancer. The same type that I have now. I sat with her the way you have been with me and I watched her waste away and die. I’m so sorry for doing this to you. I would love to send you away and do this alone, but I raised a man whose heart is too big. I knew that you would never go.
I’m sorry, my mind digresses these days. My mother lasted for six months before she passed away. During that time, Jackson had Kevin come out several times a month to “check” on what I was doing. Kevin was such a gentleman and he was so caring and warm. I saw in him all of the qualities I’d seen in your father and I realized after some time that I’d married the wrong brother. My sweet boy...Kevin and I fell in love. He was there for me when my mother died and at the funeral when Jackson told me I was coming home with him whether I wanted to or not, Kevin stood up for me.
That weekend, Jackson took your brother and I home. I didn’t know for weeks later what had happened to Kevin. I cried every day and begged Jackson to tell me. He finally did...in exchange for two things. Kevin was recuperating at their sister’s home. He’d been beaten to within an inch of his life. Jackson made sure I understood that if I continued my relationship with Kevin that he would kill him the next time...brother or not. He made me promise I would leave Kevin alone...so I did.
By that time I was so in love with him that I couldn’t
You have given my nothing but joy since the day you were born and no matter what the circumstances of your birth were, not one second of one day in nineteen years did I feel any regret for becoming your mother.
The second reason you may be reading this letter is that you’re at a crossroads in your life and struggling with which path to take. Kevin promised me that if that happened he would give you this letter. There is something that you need to know that I wasn’t allowed to tell you while I was alive. I hope once you read this that you’ll forgive me for my part in making you believe something that wasn’t true. I wasn’t given a choice and I hoped that it would never matter.
When I was young I fell hard for your father. He was so handsome and charming. I knew the kind of family that he came from, but in my youth and naivety I believed that our love would be enough to make him want to change. I found out pretty quickly how silly of me that was. After I had Alex, your grandfather passed away and your father took over the “family” business. Something about the control consumed him.
The parts of him that were good...the parts that made me fall in love with him...those parts started to fade into the background over time. He became someone that even I didn’t recognize. He became controlling with every aspect of his life...including his family. He felt that since he was “in charge” of his siblings and their lives, he was “in charge” of mine as well. My life became the stuff that nightmares were made of because I did something crazy...I tried to leave.
I took Alex and I went to stay with my mother in Maine. Jackson sent Kevin for me. I thank God for that to this day. For one thing if he had sent one of the other men there is no telling what might have happened to me when I refused to go. I had to protect my son. I didn’t feel that I could do that in New York in a house where gangsters came in and out as if they owned the place.
Kevin came with the intentions of doing what his older brother ordered him to do. While he was there my mother became very ill. He stalled Jackson by telling him I was needed to care for my mother. Jackson accepted that, but he made it clear that when she got better...or died, that I would be brought straight back. My mother had cancer. The same type that I have now. I sat with her the way you have been with me and I watched her waste away and die. I’m so sorry for doing this to you. I would love to send you away and do this alone, but I raised a man whose heart is too big. I knew that you would never go.
I’m sorry, my mind digresses these days. My mother lasted for six months before she passed away. During that time, Jackson had Kevin come out several times a month to “check” on what I was doing. Kevin was such a gentleman and he was so caring and warm. I saw in him all of the qualities I’d seen in your father and I realized after some time that I’d married the wrong brother. My sweet boy...Kevin and I fell in love. He was there for me when my mother died and at the funeral when Jackson told me I was coming home with him whether I wanted to or not, Kevin stood up for me.
That weekend, Jackson took your brother and I home. I didn’t know for weeks later what had happened to Kevin. I cried every day and begged Jackson to tell me. He finally did...in exchange for two things. Kevin was recuperating at their sister’s home. He’d been beaten to within an inch of his life. Jackson made sure I understood that if I continued my relationship with Kevin that he would kill him the next time...brother or not. He made me promise I would leave Kevin alone...so I did.
By that time I was so in love with him that I couldn’t
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