How to Fight Presidents: Defending Yourself Against the Badasses Who Ran This Country by Daniel O'Brien Page A
Authors: Daniel O'Brien
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throwing one amazing and legendary party. Tyler sent out two thousand invitations (though three thousand people eventually showed up, proving that even if the host is generally disliked, no one can turn down a free party), “eight dozen bottles of champagne were drunk with wine by the barrels,” and property was destroyed.
Tyler threw this party for no reason other than to deliver a silly little pun. When Tyler left the White House shortly thereafter, he remarked, “They cannot say now that I am a
president without a party
.” Then he put on sunglasses and a wicked fucking guitar solo just
happened
.
After his presidency, Tyler retired to his plantation, which henamed “Sherwood Forest,” as he saw himself as a Robin Hood figure, which is weird, because Robin Hood stole from the rich and gave to the poor, and John Tyler stole the presidency and owned like forty slaves, but whatever. Oh, right, the slavery thing, that’s important. Lest you think that Tyler’s rebellious streak was all fun, you should know that being a rebel
also
meant rebelling against the Union. Yes, when Tyler left office, he joined the Confederacy and turned on the nation over which he used to preside. He was considered a traitor,and was the only former president whose death wasn’t officially announced or memorialized by the White House.
It’s difficult to tell exactly how Tyler would do in a fight. He was an excellent marksman as a hunter and formed a militia during the War of 1812, but his unit never saw any action. He wasn’t exactly scrawny, but he wasn’t built, either, and suffered from one of those diseases that a lot of people in the 1700s and 1800s had where you poop too much. You’re at a severe disadvantage if you’re coming from any place of authority, so do whatever you can to not look like The Man in your fight. Also, please win.
Beat this skinny punk for being a slave-owning traitor.
“Who the hell is Polk?”
That’s not
just
almost every average American’s response to the question “What do you think of Polk?” It was also the campaign slogan of the Whig Party, Polk’s opponents when he ran for president as a Democrat back in 1844. Polk’s introverted behavior and lack of popularity made him the first ever dark-horse candidate. He received his presidential nomination solely on the strength of Andrew Jackson’s endorsement (when Andrew Jackson tells his party to do something,
they do it
). Almost everyone at the time said he was a poor choice who had no chance of winning (the
New York Herald
said, “A more ridiculous, contemptible and forlorn candidate was never put forth by any party”), and almost everyone
since
has completely forgotten about him.
Which is a tragedy. Polk is one of the most underrated presidents ever, both in terms of his accomplishments and his positionon the spectrum of badassedry. He was just a little guy, and was prone to illness as a child, but what Polk lacked in physical strength, he made up for in obsession with not being held back by his lack of physical strength. Biographer Charles Grier Sellers said that, as a result of his “early physical inferiority,” he “drove himself ruthlessly, exploiting the abilities and energies he did possess to an extent that few men can equal.”
The most important thing you need to know about Polk is that he was a man who accomplished what he set out to do, no matter what. He is literally the only president who knew exactly what he wanted to do when he got to office, exactly how he would do it, and exactly how long it would take. When he took office, Polk made a list of four very lofty goals that he was going to accomplish before his time was up (reestablish the Independent Treasury System, taking government money
away
from the banks and placing it in a special reserve that the banks couldn’t touch; reduce tariffs; acquire some of the Oregon Country from Britain; and get California and New Mexico from Mexico), and he dedicated every second
Tyler threw this party for no reason other than to deliver a silly little pun. When Tyler left the White House shortly thereafter, he remarked, “They cannot say now that I am a
president without a party
.” Then he put on sunglasses and a wicked fucking guitar solo just
happened
.
After his presidency, Tyler retired to his plantation, which henamed “Sherwood Forest,” as he saw himself as a Robin Hood figure, which is weird, because Robin Hood stole from the rich and gave to the poor, and John Tyler stole the presidency and owned like forty slaves, but whatever. Oh, right, the slavery thing, that’s important. Lest you think that Tyler’s rebellious streak was all fun, you should know that being a rebel
also
meant rebelling against the Union. Yes, when Tyler left office, he joined the Confederacy and turned on the nation over which he used to preside. He was considered a traitor,and was the only former president whose death wasn’t officially announced or memorialized by the White House.
It’s difficult to tell exactly how Tyler would do in a fight. He was an excellent marksman as a hunter and formed a militia during the War of 1812, but his unit never saw any action. He wasn’t exactly scrawny, but he wasn’t built, either, and suffered from one of those diseases that a lot of people in the 1700s and 1800s had where you poop too much. You’re at a severe disadvantage if you’re coming from any place of authority, so do whatever you can to not look like The Man in your fight. Also, please win.
Beat this skinny punk for being a slave-owning traitor.
“Who the hell is Polk?”
That’s not
just
almost every average American’s response to the question “What do you think of Polk?” It was also the campaign slogan of the Whig Party, Polk’s opponents when he ran for president as a Democrat back in 1844. Polk’s introverted behavior and lack of popularity made him the first ever dark-horse candidate. He received his presidential nomination solely on the strength of Andrew Jackson’s endorsement (when Andrew Jackson tells his party to do something,
they do it
). Almost everyone at the time said he was a poor choice who had no chance of winning (the
New York Herald
said, “A more ridiculous, contemptible and forlorn candidate was never put forth by any party”), and almost everyone
since
has completely forgotten about him.
Which is a tragedy. Polk is one of the most underrated presidents ever, both in terms of his accomplishments and his positionon the spectrum of badassedry. He was just a little guy, and was prone to illness as a child, but what Polk lacked in physical strength, he made up for in obsession with not being held back by his lack of physical strength. Biographer Charles Grier Sellers said that, as a result of his “early physical inferiority,” he “drove himself ruthlessly, exploiting the abilities and energies he did possess to an extent that few men can equal.”
The most important thing you need to know about Polk is that he was a man who accomplished what he set out to do, no matter what. He is literally the only president who knew exactly what he wanted to do when he got to office, exactly how he would do it, and exactly how long it would take. When he took office, Polk made a list of four very lofty goals that he was going to accomplish before his time was up (reestablish the Independent Treasury System, taking government money
away
from the banks and placing it in a special reserve that the banks couldn’t touch; reduce tariffs; acquire some of the Oregon Country from Britain; and get California and New Mexico from Mexico), and he dedicated every second
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