‘other’ and had wanted to double-check I was definitely the youngest child in my family. I’d been desperately busy doing paperwork and had answered her questions quickly without wondering why she was suddenly so concerned about my religious well-being and sporting hobbies.
Then at around 2:11 p.m. she said, ‘Um … Nicola …’
‘Yes, Caroline,’ I said, anticipating a question on the type of books I read or my preferred choice for a city break, or the regularity of my bowel movements.
‘Um … Do you like children?’ she asked casually.
‘Like them? Um …’
I didn’t know. The truth was, I was a little bit afraid of children. They were fragile, stamped ‘Handle with Care’, utterly reliant on you. And then there was all the poo and smells and germs. But I could hardly say that to Caroline when she doted on her own two little treasures.
‘Do you want them someday? Children?’ Caroline pressed.
‘Yes, of course, um … with the right person,’ I said vaguely. Caroline dropped her head to type something and then looked up at me.
‘And how about smokers?’ she asked. ‘You don’t seem the type to like smokers, but I’m just curious …’
‘Children smokers or smokers in general?’ I quipped.
‘Smokers as a group. Forget children, just smokers, smoking, how do you feel about them on the whole?’
‘Look, Caroline I have no idea why you want to discover every little thing about me on this dreary Monday morning, but I know you are up to something. With regards to smoking, I don’t like it, but I don’t mind if others want to partake of a cigarette or two. Happy?’ I finished, scowling at her.
‘In your home?’
‘Sorry.’
‘Do you mind if they smoke in your home?’ she went on.
I sighed.
‘Caroline, are you organising some kind of Smokers Anonymous get together in my home? Because, yes. I do mind. I don’t want smokers in my flat.’
‘Right, phew, good, thought so.’ She tapped at her keyboard once more.
‘Okay,’ I frowned. ‘What do you keep typing?’
‘Nothing,’ Caroline replied, eyes darting left then right.
‘You’re lying!’
‘It’s a …’ She clicked on her mouse again. ‘A …’
‘Yeeeeesss?’
‘A press release.’
‘A press release for what?’
‘Oh, um …’ She closed her eyes. ‘A press release for a new … a new … Oh fine.’ She crumpled. ‘Fine it’s not a press release, Poirot, it’s a little something I am doing for you. A favour if you must know. It was supposed to be a surprise.’
‘What favour?’ I asked, reckoning that this favour might not be favourable at all.
We both jumped as James wordlessly swept past us and out of the office. I shook my head and turned my attention back to Caroline. ‘Explain yourself?’ I hissed.
Caroline tutted. ‘Alright, Alright! I might have signed you up to that dating website I showed you.’
‘Nooo.’ I put my head in my hands.
‘Look, Nic, you don’t have to do anything about it, but take a look, see who’s on there. Some of the fellas are gorgeous.’
‘Hmm …’ I groaned, unconvinced.
‘Honestly, if I was ten years younger,’ she sighed dreamily. ‘Look, I’ll send you the link and you can just have a little look at who is out there. I’ve made you sound great. Not that you’re not, but well, you sound great, because you are great, oh, Nic, just look at it.’
‘Fine, fine, fine, fine,’ I said, lifting my hands in surrender, ‘I will look at it, but—’
Before I could finish my sentence, James erupted back through the office door, a determined expression on his face and clutching a hammer in his right hand.
‘Everything all right in here?’ he asked, seeing our startled faces.
‘Er … yes. Lovely,’ Caroline said.
‘Great, just great,’ I added, the two of us worriedly eyeing the hammer.
‘Good, good,’ James said, stalking through to his office and slamming the door behind him. A sudden flash of light went off to my
Then at around 2:11 p.m. she said, ‘Um … Nicola …’
‘Yes, Caroline,’ I said, anticipating a question on the type of books I read or my preferred choice for a city break, or the regularity of my bowel movements.
‘Um … Do you like children?’ she asked casually.
‘Like them? Um …’
I didn’t know. The truth was, I was a little bit afraid of children. They were fragile, stamped ‘Handle with Care’, utterly reliant on you. And then there was all the poo and smells and germs. But I could hardly say that to Caroline when she doted on her own two little treasures.
‘Do you want them someday? Children?’ Caroline pressed.
‘Yes, of course, um … with the right person,’ I said vaguely. Caroline dropped her head to type something and then looked up at me.
‘And how about smokers?’ she asked. ‘You don’t seem the type to like smokers, but I’m just curious …’
‘Children smokers or smokers in general?’ I quipped.
‘Smokers as a group. Forget children, just smokers, smoking, how do you feel about them on the whole?’
‘Look, Caroline I have no idea why you want to discover every little thing about me on this dreary Monday morning, but I know you are up to something. With regards to smoking, I don’t like it, but I don’t mind if others want to partake of a cigarette or two. Happy?’ I finished, scowling at her.
‘In your home?’
‘Sorry.’
‘Do you mind if they smoke in your home?’ she went on.
I sighed.
‘Caroline, are you organising some kind of Smokers Anonymous get together in my home? Because, yes. I do mind. I don’t want smokers in my flat.’
‘Right, phew, good, thought so.’ She tapped at her keyboard once more.
‘Okay,’ I frowned. ‘What do you keep typing?’
‘Nothing,’ Caroline replied, eyes darting left then right.
‘You’re lying!’
‘It’s a …’ She clicked on her mouse again. ‘A …’
‘Yeeeeesss?’
‘A press release.’
‘A press release for what?’
‘Oh, um …’ She closed her eyes. ‘A press release for a new … a new … Oh fine.’ She crumpled. ‘Fine it’s not a press release, Poirot, it’s a little something I am doing for you. A favour if you must know. It was supposed to be a surprise.’
‘What favour?’ I asked, reckoning that this favour might not be favourable at all.
We both jumped as James wordlessly swept past us and out of the office. I shook my head and turned my attention back to Caroline. ‘Explain yourself?’ I hissed.
Caroline tutted. ‘Alright, Alright! I might have signed you up to that dating website I showed you.’
‘Nooo.’ I put my head in my hands.
‘Look, Nic, you don’t have to do anything about it, but take a look, see who’s on there. Some of the fellas are gorgeous.’
‘Hmm …’ I groaned, unconvinced.
‘Honestly, if I was ten years younger,’ she sighed dreamily. ‘Look, I’ll send you the link and you can just have a little look at who is out there. I’ve made you sound great. Not that you’re not, but well, you sound great, because you are great, oh, Nic, just look at it.’
‘Fine, fine, fine, fine,’ I said, lifting my hands in surrender, ‘I will look at it, but—’
Before I could finish my sentence, James erupted back through the office door, a determined expression on his face and clutching a hammer in his right hand.
‘Everything all right in here?’ he asked, seeing our startled faces.
‘Er … yes. Lovely,’ Caroline said.
‘Great, just great,’ I added, the two of us worriedly eyeing the hammer.
‘Good, good,’ James said, stalking through to his office and slamming the door behind him. A sudden flash of light went off to my
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