How to Get Ahead in Television

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Authors: Sophie Cousens
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said, bursting into tears.
    Valerie put her hand on the dashboard to steady herself. ‘You haven’t driven on a motorway before?’ She sounded horrified.
    â€˜No…’ I snivelled.
    â€˜I am not confident in your driving ability, I’m afraid, Poppy. This is absolutely unacceptable,’ said Valerie.
    â€˜Well, we can’t stay here,’ said Nick. ‘I’m not insured. I can’t drive.’
    â€˜I will not be driven by Poppy,’ said Valerie firmly.
    I grabbed my phone and jumped out of the car, trying to sniff back tears. I scanned the call sheet for phone numbers. I tried scary Shannon but she didn’t answer, so I dialled the Last Clan Standing production office up in Scotland, praying someone would pick up.
    â€˜Hello?’ I sniffed.
    â€˜Hello, Last Clan Standing , Rhidian speaking.’
    Oh great.
    â€˜What are you doing up there?’ I asked.
    â€˜Poppy? Hi. Oh they flew me up yesterday to help. It’s unbelievable, you should see the games they’ve built here, it’s huge… Are you okay?’
    â€˜No, no… I’m not okay,’ I sobbed.
    â€˜Poppy, what’s wrong? Where are you?’
    â€˜I, I… I was supposed to drive a cameraman and Valerie Decouz up to Scotland as a last-minute change of plan, but I haven’t really driven for ages and… and…’ I choked back a sob. ‘Valerie says she’s not confident in my ability and doesn’t want me driving, and we’re on the hard shoulder of the M1 and I don’t know what to do!’ The last words were lost in a wail.
    â€˜Okay, okay, calm down,’ said Rhidian. ‘Don’t worry, we’ll sort it out. Is anyone else with you in the car?’
    â€˜Nick Hill, the cameraman, but he’s not insured.’
    I was starting to feel calmer. For some reason Rhidian’s voice was reassuring me that this situation might be fixable.
    â€˜Okay, listen, you get Nick’s driving licence details for me and I’ll call the car hire company and get him on the insurance. Don’t worry, Poppy, we’ll sort this out.’
    Twenty minutes later, Nick was driving us off the hard shoulder. He was not happy about it, grumbling that he had work to do and ‘what’s TV come to when you have to drive yourself to a shoot’. Valerie hadn’t said a word since her earlier pronouncement that she refused to be driven by me. I sank into the back seat, cursing the fact that I hadn’t taken that extra motorway driving post-test lesson my instructor had recommended. I think I spent the thirty-seven pounds I saved on a pair of really uncomfortable pleather clogs. Damn those bloody clogs.
    We drove in silence for a few miles, me primarily thinking clog-related thoughts, when a phone started to ring. Mine – I’d plugged it back into the car’s phone system to charge. It flashed up on the dashboard screen: UNKNOWN NUMBER.
    â€˜Want me to answer that?’ asked Nick.
    It was probably Shannon calling me back. I couldn’t reach my phone to unplug it, so I’d just tell whoever it was I’d call them back.
    â€˜Yes?’ I said.
    â€˜Hello, it’s Ian,’ came a voice through the car speakers.
    â€˜Ian?’ I asked, nonplussed, trying to think if an Ian worked at RealiTV.
    â€˜Ian Griffith. I texted you. Lorraine’s son?’ Ian sounded embarrassed.
    Ah, Ian, I suddenly remembered.
    â€˜Ah! Hi, Ian, I um…’
    â€˜Sorry, is this a good time? It’s just I wanted to see if you got my text? I wasn’t sure I had the right number.’
    â€˜Oh yes, yes,’ I said. ‘I’m so sorry I didn’t reply, I was going to, but I totally forgot… This new job…’
    I could see Valerie looking disapproving, sensing it typical of my lack of professionalism that I wouldn’t reply to somebody’s text.
    â€˜Well I d-didn’t want to bother

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