How to Outfox Your Friends When You Don't Have a Clue by Jess Keating

the words puberty , training bra , and hallway monitor . Nobody needs any of those.)
    Who wears high heels and always has perfect hair?
    No, it’s not the start of a lame joke, but it is the truth about Grandpa’s girlfriend, Sugar.
    There are two things you should know about Grandpa and Sugar.
    1. They are both so stinkin’ famous that they can barely go out the door without someone jamming a camera in their faces, hoping for a million-dollar moment they can sell to some tabloid. Grandpa is famous because he’s a super-popular naturalist and reality TV star. Seriously, he films documentaries where he wears bandanas and eats worms and all that. Sugar, on the other hand, is his supermodel girlfriend with perfect hair, manicured toes, and a stomach like those ladies on the magazines at the checkout. That’s pretty much enough of a reason to be famous these days, but she’s so nice too. She’s a lot younger than Grandpa, but the more I hang out with him, the more I realize he’s actually a twenty-year-old trapped in an old guy’s body.
    2. After three months of living in Los Angeles again, they were super eager to visit us. Even if Mom put them to work doing yard cleanup.
    â€œDaz!” Mom shouted. “Your job is to pick up all the branches and twigs from the tree, not climb the actual tree!” She shielded her eyes from the sun as she gawked up at him. Daz swung down a branch and let his feet dangle. I wasn’t surprised he was so good at climbing trees and swinging on branches. Most monkeys are, after all.
    Grandpa tossed a pebble at him from below. “Get down here and help out your grandpa, young man! I’m too old for this!” His tone was serious, but I could see the trademark sparkle in his eyes as he twirled around his rake in a graceful move like the guy from Singin’ in the Rain on the lamppost.
    CREATURE FILE
    SPECIES NAME: Shep Spotlighticus
    KINGDOM: The whole world! Shep Spotlighticus thrives in any environment, due to his crazy charisma and ability to make anyone laugh while teaching them about weird animals.
    PHYLUM: Grandfathers who also happen to be naturalists featured on bimonthly tabloids; Entertainment Now ’s #5 Most Eligible Bachelor, after that good-looking news anchor guy, that British actor with the voice like butter that everyone’s always swooning over, and two football players. (Sugar hates that he’s called a “bachelor” by the way, because they’ve been dating for a while now. Just saying.)
    WEIGHT: “Shipshape for his age” (so he says).
    FEEDS ON: Dangerous situations where he’s up against venomous snakes, stinging insects, or snapping jaws; also spaghetti.
    LIFE SPAN: I think he has nine lives, like a cat.
    HANDLING TECHNIQUE: None needed. Loves to hang out and laugh and carries candy in his coat pocket.
    Beside him, Sugar had swapped her usual high heels for a pair of oversized boots. She looked like she belonged on the cover of a “glamping” magazine, where people camp out in glamorous RVs instead of tents like normal people.
    â€œIt’s so nice to get out and get some fresh air!” she said, reaching over to grab a handful of broken twigs from one of our windy storms last week. “LA has been suffocating lately. I miss this Denver air!” She took a huge breath, sighing loudly and tipping her tanned face to the sun.
    â€œEnjoy it while you can, Sugar,” Dad said. “Knowing the weather around here, it will snow any minute!”
    I squinted into the sun as I kicked the last of my own twig pile together. “Done!” I turned to see if I’d beaten Dad in our yearly cleanup race.
    He tipped his ball cap at me and scooped some of his leaves with his rake, flinging them in the air. “You got me this time, peanut!” he said, bowing regally. “Why can’t your brother get through chores that quickly?”
    I grinned, propped the big paper yard