sleep even though you’re just dreaming up ways to kill yourself. And C. A family.
So as I’m walking on the plane with my kids, I’m trying to apologize to people with my eyes while their eyes are telling me, I hate your F’ing guts and for the love of God don’t sit in my row. And then when you pass them you can literally feel them breathe out a sigh of relief until you sit in the row behind them, which is actually worse because sound doesn’t travel sideways. It travels forward. Plus, kids are like professional experts at kicking the seat in front of them. So yes, I’m that asshole, the #1 most hated person on the plane. Totally misplaced anger because really they should hate my baby but you’re not allowed to hate babies so I’m the patsy.
(Look at me, Mom, I’m going limp!)
5. You know what’s awesome about traveling with a 16-month-old? That you don’t have to pay for their ticket. You know what’s not awesome? EVERY OTHER FUCKING THING. Your ticket says infant on lap, but that’s a goddamn lie. Infants sit on your lap. Toddlers arch their back and pop their shoulders out of their sockets and kick you over and over again in the crotch because they don’t want to be contained. You know how they won’t let parents with kiddos sit in the exit row? It has nothing to do with safety. They’re worried you might open the emergency door and throw your kid out.
6. The tray table. Can some airlines pleeeeeeeease invent a detachable tray table for parents traveling with kids? Because this is what kids do with a tray table. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. The whole F’ing flight. And same goes for the stupid window shade.
7. Question: What’s the first thing your baby does the moment you sit down in your seat? Answer: He puts the metal part from the seatbelt in his mouth. Ohhh Mommy this feels so nice and cold on my gums. Well, kid, I hope it’s worth it because you just got Ebola, avian bird flu and Typhoid all in one fell swoop. Yup, for the last two weeks I’ve kept you in a bubble away from every germ-infested place so you’d be healthy on our vacation, but you just canceled all that out in about two seconds. Now open your mouth so I can pour a gallon of hand sanitizer on your tongue.
8. “Agggghhhhh, my ears, my ears! Someone’s stabbing my eardrums out with a screwdriver!” Yup, as the plane goes up or down, this is what my kids are screaming as the pressure pops their ears. Coincidentally it’s the same thing the people in front of us are yelling because my kids won’t shut up. What’s that you say? Give them gum? Oh that’s a GREAT idea, three years from now when they’re older and I know they won’t spit it out in my hair and then purposely rub it all around.
9. Can the airplane lavatory get any smaller? Or stinkier? The answer is yes and yes. If you don’t have kids, maybe you haven’t noticed that there is a changing table in the airplane bathroom. Yes, in that two-foot space. Or rather a flat plastic shelf that pulls down over the scary ass toilet. You know how hard it is using the lavatory when there’s turbulence? Now try doing that with a screaming, wriggly toddler on a plastic shelf.
The only good news is the lavatory is so small even if you hit a big bump there’s no room for either of you to go anywhere. The bad news is the bathroom was just contaminated by an old lady who spent 14 minutes in there (so long you almost told the flight attendant in case she died. Alas, she didn’t die but it smells like something did), and your kid’s poopie diaper manages to make it smell even worse. I know some people choose to forgo the lav and change the baby’s diaper in the seat itself, but you know what happens then? I mean besides everyone who already hates you stabbing you with their eye daggers even more. The baby pees mid diaper change and 27D is suddenly 27PP and you have to sit in urine for the rest of the flight because every other seat
So as I’m walking on the plane with my kids, I’m trying to apologize to people with my eyes while their eyes are telling me, I hate your F’ing guts and for the love of God don’t sit in my row. And then when you pass them you can literally feel them breathe out a sigh of relief until you sit in the row behind them, which is actually worse because sound doesn’t travel sideways. It travels forward. Plus, kids are like professional experts at kicking the seat in front of them. So yes, I’m that asshole, the #1 most hated person on the plane. Totally misplaced anger because really they should hate my baby but you’re not allowed to hate babies so I’m the patsy.
(Look at me, Mom, I’m going limp!)
5. You know what’s awesome about traveling with a 16-month-old? That you don’t have to pay for their ticket. You know what’s not awesome? EVERY OTHER FUCKING THING. Your ticket says infant on lap, but that’s a goddamn lie. Infants sit on your lap. Toddlers arch their back and pop their shoulders out of their sockets and kick you over and over again in the crotch because they don’t want to be contained. You know how they won’t let parents with kiddos sit in the exit row? It has nothing to do with safety. They’re worried you might open the emergency door and throw your kid out.
6. The tray table. Can some airlines pleeeeeeeease invent a detachable tray table for parents traveling with kids? Because this is what kids do with a tray table. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. The whole F’ing flight. And same goes for the stupid window shade.
7. Question: What’s the first thing your baby does the moment you sit down in your seat? Answer: He puts the metal part from the seatbelt in his mouth. Ohhh Mommy this feels so nice and cold on my gums. Well, kid, I hope it’s worth it because you just got Ebola, avian bird flu and Typhoid all in one fell swoop. Yup, for the last two weeks I’ve kept you in a bubble away from every germ-infested place so you’d be healthy on our vacation, but you just canceled all that out in about two seconds. Now open your mouth so I can pour a gallon of hand sanitizer on your tongue.
8. “Agggghhhhh, my ears, my ears! Someone’s stabbing my eardrums out with a screwdriver!” Yup, as the plane goes up or down, this is what my kids are screaming as the pressure pops their ears. Coincidentally it’s the same thing the people in front of us are yelling because my kids won’t shut up. What’s that you say? Give them gum? Oh that’s a GREAT idea, three years from now when they’re older and I know they won’t spit it out in my hair and then purposely rub it all around.
9. Can the airplane lavatory get any smaller? Or stinkier? The answer is yes and yes. If you don’t have kids, maybe you haven’t noticed that there is a changing table in the airplane bathroom. Yes, in that two-foot space. Or rather a flat plastic shelf that pulls down over the scary ass toilet. You know how hard it is using the lavatory when there’s turbulence? Now try doing that with a screaming, wriggly toddler on a plastic shelf.
The only good news is the lavatory is so small even if you hit a big bump there’s no room for either of you to go anywhere. The bad news is the bathroom was just contaminated by an old lady who spent 14 minutes in there (so long you almost told the flight attendant in case she died. Alas, she didn’t die but it smells like something did), and your kid’s poopie diaper manages to make it smell even worse. I know some people choose to forgo the lav and change the baby’s diaper in the seat itself, but you know what happens then? I mean besides everyone who already hates you stabbing you with their eye daggers even more. The baby pees mid diaper change and 27D is suddenly 27PP and you have to sit in urine for the rest of the flight because every other seat
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