told you so look)
Why traveling with kids sucks ass and totally isn’t worth it but I still insist on doing it
Does this shit even need an introduction? I mean who doesn’t know that traveling with kids sucks ass? Remember back when it was awesome, before you gave birth to your poop machines? Packing was always a bit of a chore, like figuring out which summery clothes fit you since you’ve packed on a few (translation: ten) winter pounds, and of course you hated sitting in the airport if your flight was delayed. Wait, you mean I have nothing to do but go to a bar and get drunk while I wait for my plane? I thought THAT was a BAD thing??? WTF? I’d kill for that now.
But now that I have two little rug rats in tow, going to the airport is worse than being waterboarded. And if you think I’m wrong, you’re wrong. I just saw that Zero Dark Thirty movie so I know. Traveling with two kids under the age of four is worse. Way worse.
Anyways, let’s get to the good stuff, or rather the bad shit. So here goes. Ten things that suck ass about flying with kids:
1. So after a morning of hell because I had to wake the kids up two hours early (which should feel awesome because they do that to me every day), I get to the airport only to find out we don’t have seats together. “Don’t worry, ma’am, we’ll do our best.” Do your best? So if you don’t succeed, what, my 3.5-year-old daughter is going to sit in row 27 next to a child molester while I’m in row 12? I’ve got one word for you, American Airlines. Lawsuit. Yup, there’s nothing more American than that.
2. Okay, so you’ve finally made it into the airport, they’ve checked your IDs and you pick an X-ray line. Then some woman steps up in line behind you. ARE YOU INSANE, WOMAN?!!! Who the F chooses to go behind the four-person family with a baby because here’s all the shit I have to deal with:
Putting the stroller on the belt while holding the baby, taking off the kids’ coats, thanking F’ing God I don’t have to remove their shoes anymore, taking our laptop out of the bag, finding our baggie of liquids, oh no wait that’s our baggie of Cheerios, finding the real baggie of liquids, taking off my own goddamn shoes and wondering what disease I’m picking up by walking barefoot on the ground that 9 bazillion people have walked on today, getting the ginormous car seat to fit through the X-ray machine, getting the kids to go through the metal detector and walk towards the scary TSA guy on the other side who can’t crack a smile, and dealing with the TSA lady who wants to “check” our milk which makes me wonder whether the kids should drink it after it’s been swabbed and radiated (or whatever the F they do to it).
Oh, and then I have to put all our shit back together on the other side like a one-billion-piece jigsaw puzzle. Just typing this makes me have a panic attack. Worst. Experience. EVER.
3. Holy crap, did you know that when you travel with a baby, the airlines lets you bring an extra “diaper” bag on the plane? They LET you. Yippeeee, as if carrying two kids plus alllll the shit you already have to deal with isn’t enough, the airlines is like, you’re so damn special we’re going to give you the privilege of carrying one more F’ing thing. Oh, plus that stupid humungous (wow, I spelled that right!) stuffed animal your daughter swore to death she’d carry but now refuses to, and you soooo want to leave it behind to teach her a lesson, but it’s just not worth the repercussions tonight at bedtime when she doesn’t have Brownie or Whitey or Horny or whatever his name is.
4. There are three kinds of people I never want to sit next to on a plane. A. That guy who hasn’t showered in like four weeks and whose hair literally leaves a mark on his seat when he sits forward. B. That lady who’s chomping at the bit to have a conversation from wheels up to wheels down and doesn’t even stop talking when you close your eyes and pretend to
Why traveling with kids sucks ass and totally isn’t worth it but I still insist on doing it
Does this shit even need an introduction? I mean who doesn’t know that traveling with kids sucks ass? Remember back when it was awesome, before you gave birth to your poop machines? Packing was always a bit of a chore, like figuring out which summery clothes fit you since you’ve packed on a few (translation: ten) winter pounds, and of course you hated sitting in the airport if your flight was delayed. Wait, you mean I have nothing to do but go to a bar and get drunk while I wait for my plane? I thought THAT was a BAD thing??? WTF? I’d kill for that now.
But now that I have two little rug rats in tow, going to the airport is worse than being waterboarded. And if you think I’m wrong, you’re wrong. I just saw that Zero Dark Thirty movie so I know. Traveling with two kids under the age of four is worse. Way worse.
Anyways, let’s get to the good stuff, or rather the bad shit. So here goes. Ten things that suck ass about flying with kids:
1. So after a morning of hell because I had to wake the kids up two hours early (which should feel awesome because they do that to me every day), I get to the airport only to find out we don’t have seats together. “Don’t worry, ma’am, we’ll do our best.” Do your best? So if you don’t succeed, what, my 3.5-year-old daughter is going to sit in row 27 next to a child molester while I’m in row 12? I’ve got one word for you, American Airlines. Lawsuit. Yup, there’s nothing more American than that.
2. Okay, so you’ve finally made it into the airport, they’ve checked your IDs and you pick an X-ray line. Then some woman steps up in line behind you. ARE YOU INSANE, WOMAN?!!! Who the F chooses to go behind the four-person family with a baby because here’s all the shit I have to deal with:
Putting the stroller on the belt while holding the baby, taking off the kids’ coats, thanking F’ing God I don’t have to remove their shoes anymore, taking our laptop out of the bag, finding our baggie of liquids, oh no wait that’s our baggie of Cheerios, finding the real baggie of liquids, taking off my own goddamn shoes and wondering what disease I’m picking up by walking barefoot on the ground that 9 bazillion people have walked on today, getting the ginormous car seat to fit through the X-ray machine, getting the kids to go through the metal detector and walk towards the scary TSA guy on the other side who can’t crack a smile, and dealing with the TSA lady who wants to “check” our milk which makes me wonder whether the kids should drink it after it’s been swabbed and radiated (or whatever the F they do to it).
Oh, and then I have to put all our shit back together on the other side like a one-billion-piece jigsaw puzzle. Just typing this makes me have a panic attack. Worst. Experience. EVER.
3. Holy crap, did you know that when you travel with a baby, the airlines lets you bring an extra “diaper” bag on the plane? They LET you. Yippeeee, as if carrying two kids plus alllll the shit you already have to deal with isn’t enough, the airlines is like, you’re so damn special we’re going to give you the privilege of carrying one more F’ing thing. Oh, plus that stupid humungous (wow, I spelled that right!) stuffed animal your daughter swore to death she’d carry but now refuses to, and you soooo want to leave it behind to teach her a lesson, but it’s just not worth the repercussions tonight at bedtime when she doesn’t have Brownie or Whitey or Horny or whatever his name is.
4. There are three kinds of people I never want to sit next to on a plane. A. That guy who hasn’t showered in like four weeks and whose hair literally leaves a mark on his seat when he sits forward. B. That lady who’s chomping at the bit to have a conversation from wheels up to wheels down and doesn’t even stop talking when you close your eyes and pretend to
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