deliberately to stir in cream and a bit of sugar. “Not particularly.”
“Hannah . . .”
“ Mom . . .”
Molly blew out a breath that gave away her exasperation. “You always were the toughest of my nuts to crack.”
“In a pack of ten, a girl’s gotta do what she can to stand out.”
“I have to say that in spite of your decision to torture your poor old mom, I’m glad to see you smiling this morning. We were worried that Homer’s death would be a setback for you.”
“I’m trying not to let that happen.” Hannah stared into her mug as the dream from the night before resurfaced with clarity that made her heart ache.
“What is it, honey?” Molly asked. “I hope you know I’m not looking to pry, but I want to help if I can.”
“I know you do.” Hannah debated for a full minute, trying to decide if she could really give voice to the torturous thoughts that had plagued her since she woke from the dream. “Last night,” she began haltingly, still staring at her mug, “I dreamed about Caleb for the first time in a long time.”
“Oh honey. That happened when Nolan was here?”
Hannah nodded. “He was great about it though.”
“I’m glad you weren’t alone.”
“In the dream . . . Homer was running to Caleb.” She finally glanced at her mother. “The way he used to.”
Molly’s eyes glistened as she smiled. “Leaping into his arms?”
“Yeah. They were so happy to see each other.”
“Of course they were.” Molly brushed at a tear as she forced a cheerful tone. “They were the very best of friends.”
“Caleb looked so good. He was smiling and laughing and holding out his arms to Homer. His hair was long, like in college, and he just seemed so . . . alive and so . . .”
Molly’s warm hand covered hers. “So what?”
“So beautiful,” Hannah said with a sigh. “He was so beautiful. He hated when I said that. He said it made him feel like a pussy.” Molly’s ringing laugh made Hannah smile. “Sorry, I know you hate that word.”
“Caleb loved a lot of words I hate.”
“That he did.” Her husband’s colorful vocabulary was one of the things she missed most about him, even if his language had mortified her at times. There was nothing he wouldn’t say, and the word filter wasn’t in his dictionary.
Molly continued to chuckle and dab at her eyes. “I can so hear him saying that.”
“He said it all the time because I told him frequently how beautiful he was.”
“He never had a doubt that you loved him with your whole heart and soul, Hannah. Not one single doubt.”
“I know. When I saw him in the dream, I wanted so badly to run to him, but I couldn’t. Even though I was asleep, I knew I could only look but not touch. And then when I woke up with Nolan . . .” Hannah swallowed hard because this was the part that had torn her up. “I realized that if faced with the choice, I’d always choose Caleb, which is so unfair to Nolan. How do I start something with him knowing I’d always choose Caleb over him?”
“You’ll never have to make that choice, honey. Life and fate and God or whatever you want to believe has already made it for you. Caleb was your past, and perhaps Nolan is your future, but you don’t have to choose one of them over the other. You’ll always love Caleb, and any man you end up with will have to understand that Caleb is as much a part of you as your lovely brown eyes or your art or your great big family.”
“What if, in the next life, they’re both standing there before me at the gates to heaven, and I go running to Caleb?”
“If you were to have thirty or forty years with Nolan, you might not run to Caleb. Did you consider that?”
It had never crossed her mind that she might one day come to love someone else more than she’d loved Caleb. How was that even possible? But if her mother was right, it was not only possible, it was probable that she might form a deeper bond over decades than the one she’d
“Hannah . . .”
“ Mom . . .”
Molly blew out a breath that gave away her exasperation. “You always were the toughest of my nuts to crack.”
“In a pack of ten, a girl’s gotta do what she can to stand out.”
“I have to say that in spite of your decision to torture your poor old mom, I’m glad to see you smiling this morning. We were worried that Homer’s death would be a setback for you.”
“I’m trying not to let that happen.” Hannah stared into her mug as the dream from the night before resurfaced with clarity that made her heart ache.
“What is it, honey?” Molly asked. “I hope you know I’m not looking to pry, but I want to help if I can.”
“I know you do.” Hannah debated for a full minute, trying to decide if she could really give voice to the torturous thoughts that had plagued her since she woke from the dream. “Last night,” she began haltingly, still staring at her mug, “I dreamed about Caleb for the first time in a long time.”
“Oh honey. That happened when Nolan was here?”
Hannah nodded. “He was great about it though.”
“I’m glad you weren’t alone.”
“In the dream . . . Homer was running to Caleb.” She finally glanced at her mother. “The way he used to.”
Molly’s eyes glistened as she smiled. “Leaping into his arms?”
“Yeah. They were so happy to see each other.”
“Of course they were.” Molly brushed at a tear as she forced a cheerful tone. “They were the very best of friends.”
“Caleb looked so good. He was smiling and laughing and holding out his arms to Homer. His hair was long, like in college, and he just seemed so . . . alive and so . . .”
Molly’s warm hand covered hers. “So what?”
“So beautiful,” Hannah said with a sigh. “He was so beautiful. He hated when I said that. He said it made him feel like a pussy.” Molly’s ringing laugh made Hannah smile. “Sorry, I know you hate that word.”
“Caleb loved a lot of words I hate.”
“That he did.” Her husband’s colorful vocabulary was one of the things she missed most about him, even if his language had mortified her at times. There was nothing he wouldn’t say, and the word filter wasn’t in his dictionary.
Molly continued to chuckle and dab at her eyes. “I can so hear him saying that.”
“He said it all the time because I told him frequently how beautiful he was.”
“He never had a doubt that you loved him with your whole heart and soul, Hannah. Not one single doubt.”
“I know. When I saw him in the dream, I wanted so badly to run to him, but I couldn’t. Even though I was asleep, I knew I could only look but not touch. And then when I woke up with Nolan . . .” Hannah swallowed hard because this was the part that had torn her up. “I realized that if faced with the choice, I’d always choose Caleb, which is so unfair to Nolan. How do I start something with him knowing I’d always choose Caleb over him?”
“You’ll never have to make that choice, honey. Life and fate and God or whatever you want to believe has already made it for you. Caleb was your past, and perhaps Nolan is your future, but you don’t have to choose one of them over the other. You’ll always love Caleb, and any man you end up with will have to understand that Caleb is as much a part of you as your lovely brown eyes or your art or your great big family.”
“What if, in the next life, they’re both standing there before me at the gates to heaven, and I go running to Caleb?”
“If you were to have thirty or forty years with Nolan, you might not run to Caleb. Did you consider that?”
It had never crossed her mind that she might one day come to love someone else more than she’d loved Caleb. How was that even possible? But if her mother was right, it was not only possible, it was probable that she might form a deeper bond over decades than the one she’d
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