it over, I’ll make
an easier decision. Another
Häagen-Dazs bar? Why not?
Ex-Lax awaits. Chocolate melting
into my mouth, I go over to
the counter, watch the red light
flash three times, extinguish it.
In the Dark
Of my room, I try to sleep,
but thoughts whirl through
my skull, cerebral tornadoes.
Life, I’m fairly sure, is about
to change. But for better or worse?
Any guess is as good as mine.
What would happen if all our dirty
laundry was hung out on a line
where the entire world could see it?
Would Daddy still be a judge?
Would Mom still run away?
Would Kaeleigh and I be taken,
forced into foster care? Would our
lives be less filled with misery?
Or would it just be more of the same?
My eyes grow heavy, less with
weariness than with remembrance.
A certain night blurs into focus.
Mom Was Gone Again
Can’t exactly remember why,
only that we didn’t expect her
to come home until very late.
It was dark in our room.
Velvety black. Someone had closed
the curtain. Kaeleigh was scared.
I tried to tell her not to worry, but just
then, Daddy burst through the door.
I closed my eyes tight, made myself
no more than a shadow. Something
about him was different. I didn’t
want that something to find me.
I cracked my eyes just a slit as he sat
on Kaeleigh’s bed, pulled her into
his lap. He smelled of Brut and Wild
Turkey. His peculiar potpourri.
I love you so much, my little
flower. Daddy needs something
from my girl, my sweet rose.
Will you give it to me?
I wanted to be his little flower,
would have given my daddy anything.
What did he want from Kaeleigh?
She laid her head on his chest. “What?”
I want you to see something,
something that proves how
much I love you. This is only
for you, Kaeleigh girl.
He lifted her gently, sat her
down on the bed beside him.
Then he opened the snaps on
the fly of his flannel pajamas.
It stood up, stiff as a stalagmite.
See how much Daddy loves you?
Show me you love me, too. Touch
it. He closed her hand around it.
I know it sounds bad, but I wanted
to touch it too. I didn’t know
what it meant, only that it made Daddy
happy. I wanted to make him happy too.
That’s right. That’s right.
His voice rocked in rhythm
with his body. Oh yes, my Kaeleigh
loves me. My little flower…
Kaeleigh Didn’t Know
What any of it meant
either.
But we both knew
somehow it was
important,
because when Daddy
finished, he burrowed
his face
into Kaeleigh’s hair
and wept. Confused at
his tears,
and at the sticky stuff icing
her hands, still Kaeleigh
pleaded,
“Don’t cry, Daddy.
What’s the matter? Didn’t
I love
you good enough?”
That Brought Him Out of His Trance
Like he suddenly realized just what
he’d done. He scrambled for cover.
Yes, you loved me good enough.
So very good! But it’s our secret, okay?
Because if anyone knew how much
you love me, they’d be jealous.
Now Kaeleigh was really confused.
“Can I tell Mama our secret?”
No! Especially not Mama. She’d get
mad because she doesn’t love me
like you. She might even go away.
You don’t want that, do you?
She thought it over. Again and again.
But she finally agreed, “I won’t tell.”
Daddy pulled her against him. Good.
That’s very good. It’s okay to have
secrets between Daddy and his girl.
Just remember. No one likes a tattletale.
Especially not Daddy.
She Never Tattled
Didn’t want Daddy to get mad.
Didn’t want her mama to go
away, though she’d already
gone in spirit, if not yet
physically.
Hard to understand.
Harder yet to believe.
Especially when your own
need is so great. The simple
need
to absorb your mother’s love.
Kaeleigh always needed
that more than I. No, I
crave
more our father’s affection.
But can anyone really love him
good enough to fill a well of
want
so deep it must extend all
the way to his core, the very
“who” of who he is? And one
bigger question remains,
an easier decision. Another
Häagen-Dazs bar? Why not?
Ex-Lax awaits. Chocolate melting
into my mouth, I go over to
the counter, watch the red light
flash three times, extinguish it.
In the Dark
Of my room, I try to sleep,
but thoughts whirl through
my skull, cerebral tornadoes.
Life, I’m fairly sure, is about
to change. But for better or worse?
Any guess is as good as mine.
What would happen if all our dirty
laundry was hung out on a line
where the entire world could see it?
Would Daddy still be a judge?
Would Mom still run away?
Would Kaeleigh and I be taken,
forced into foster care? Would our
lives be less filled with misery?
Or would it just be more of the same?
My eyes grow heavy, less with
weariness than with remembrance.
A certain night blurs into focus.
Mom Was Gone Again
Can’t exactly remember why,
only that we didn’t expect her
to come home until very late.
It was dark in our room.
Velvety black. Someone had closed
the curtain. Kaeleigh was scared.
I tried to tell her not to worry, but just
then, Daddy burst through the door.
I closed my eyes tight, made myself
no more than a shadow. Something
about him was different. I didn’t
want that something to find me.
I cracked my eyes just a slit as he sat
on Kaeleigh’s bed, pulled her into
his lap. He smelled of Brut and Wild
Turkey. His peculiar potpourri.
I love you so much, my little
flower. Daddy needs something
from my girl, my sweet rose.
Will you give it to me?
I wanted to be his little flower,
would have given my daddy anything.
What did he want from Kaeleigh?
She laid her head on his chest. “What?”
I want you to see something,
something that proves how
much I love you. This is only
for you, Kaeleigh girl.
He lifted her gently, sat her
down on the bed beside him.
Then he opened the snaps on
the fly of his flannel pajamas.
It stood up, stiff as a stalagmite.
See how much Daddy loves you?
Show me you love me, too. Touch
it. He closed her hand around it.
I know it sounds bad, but I wanted
to touch it too. I didn’t know
what it meant, only that it made Daddy
happy. I wanted to make him happy too.
That’s right. That’s right.
His voice rocked in rhythm
with his body. Oh yes, my Kaeleigh
loves me. My little flower…
Kaeleigh Didn’t Know
What any of it meant
either.
But we both knew
somehow it was
important,
because when Daddy
finished, he burrowed
his face
into Kaeleigh’s hair
and wept. Confused at
his tears,
and at the sticky stuff icing
her hands, still Kaeleigh
pleaded,
“Don’t cry, Daddy.
What’s the matter? Didn’t
I love
you good enough?”
That Brought Him Out of His Trance
Like he suddenly realized just what
he’d done. He scrambled for cover.
Yes, you loved me good enough.
So very good! But it’s our secret, okay?
Because if anyone knew how much
you love me, they’d be jealous.
Now Kaeleigh was really confused.
“Can I tell Mama our secret?”
No! Especially not Mama. She’d get
mad because she doesn’t love me
like you. She might even go away.
You don’t want that, do you?
She thought it over. Again and again.
But she finally agreed, “I won’t tell.”
Daddy pulled her against him. Good.
That’s very good. It’s okay to have
secrets between Daddy and his girl.
Just remember. No one likes a tattletale.
Especially not Daddy.
She Never Tattled
Didn’t want Daddy to get mad.
Didn’t want her mama to go
away, though she’d already
gone in spirit, if not yet
physically.
Hard to understand.
Harder yet to believe.
Especially when your own
need is so great. The simple
need
to absorb your mother’s love.
Kaeleigh always needed
that more than I. No, I
crave
more our father’s affection.
But can anyone really love him
good enough to fill a well of
want
so deep it must extend all
the way to his core, the very
“who” of who he is? And one
bigger question remains,
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