Impulse by Ellen Hopkins
Authors: Ellen Hopkins
Tags: Fiction, General, Family, Juvenile Fiction, Psychology, Suicide, Social Issues, Interpersonal relations, Psychiatric hospitals, Friendship, Parents, Values & Virtues, Mental Illness, Self-Esteem & Self-Reliance, Diseases, Health & Daily Living, Depression & Mental Illness, Novels in Verse, Illnesses & Injuries
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self-medicate. With a whole different kind of drug. 166
171
Ten Minutes to Finish
I sit across from Tony, who's picking at his meringue. Wonder why I feel like kicking it with him anyway.
I mean, he's really not the kind of guy I'd hook up with at school--not a jock, not refined, surely not moneyed.
There's just something about him, something attractive, but not in a physical way. On a whim, I tell him,
"They just let me out of my room today, and I've only had shrinks to talk to. I feel like I've escaped from a tomb."
He gives me this strange look, like he needs to climb inside my head, walk around in there, see where that path leads. 167
172
Finally he says, You know
I ' m gay, in a tone that
adds, This is a test. You can
leave if you want. It's okay.
Part of me gets a failing grade. If I stay, will the other guys think I want to get laid--by a dude?
Most of me couldn't care less about what a bunch of freaking losers think. Why try to impress the brain-dead? 168
173
Still Another Part of Me
Stresses over a simple fact, In a major way. I thought he was attractive. Can that possibly make me gay?
I really don't think so. I mean, from the time I was twelve I had an insatiable urge to climb into the sack with any girl who would let me. Then it was older girls, coeds, who would seduce a kid simply to get
even with a boyfriend. Or to play teacher. Cool game. Finally, it came down to women, the perfect score.
But men? No, the thought has never crossed my mind, except in a voyeuristic way. Like, does a gay guy ever 169
174
want to be with a woman?
Which I guess could translate the other way, which
will continue to stress me a bit.
The weird thing is, Tony
says he's gay and I'm guessing he really believes it, but he doesn't seem that way to me.
Anyway, gay or no, something about Tony has piqued my interest. So I'll step out of my homophobic shoes.
175
Homophobia Stashed
I'll probably have to lie to pass Tony's litmus test. "No problem," I tell him. "Some of my best friends are gay."
Tony arches an eyebrow. Really? And here I had you pegged for a total jock. But he smiles freely, and I
realize he's mostly kidding. I'm up for some fun. "You saying gay guys can't be jocks? Ever heard of Dennis Rodman?"
His laugh breaks whatever
ice was left between us.
Good point. But let me give you some advice--
never wear a dress to group. The girls don ' t even wear
them. Stockings, heels, and pearls are also on the " don ' t " list. 171
176
Okay, I like him, can trust my instincts again. I notice Vanessa, taking mental notes, know I must
cozy on up to her, too. Part of it is my old self wanting nectar from a new
flower, the beat of a new heart.
Part of it is a simple need to connect with someone who might understand me, might reach out to imperfect
Conner.
177
Amazing
To find Conner the stud, sitting across from me, trading gay jokes. I don't get a gay vibe from him at all. In fact, I notice a probable interest in Vanessa. Like she's even close to his type! No, he looks more like the sorority/socialite type. Anyway, I'm most likely not his type.
Not that I mind having him at my table, literally or tongue-in-cheek. (Where else does Conner
put his tongue? I wonder.) Quit! Just go with his flow.
"Did they let you out of isolation already? That was pretty quick." 173
178
Was it? Well, it seemed like a long damn time to me--eight days.
"That's not so bad. They kept me locked up for two weeks." Two frigging weeks, pacing that room, I ' d be a basket case by now.
"You must have worked some kind of magic. Eight days is cake." Conner grins. Magic, yeah, that ' s it. I put Dr Boston under my spell. 174
179
I Don't Doubt That at All
The Black Widow believes she's a player. But players are easily played by better players, someone, for instance, of Conner's caliber.
"Yeah, well, what about Dr. Starr? You'll have to work voodoo on her." She ' s a special case, okay. Voodoo, huh? Have a couple strands of her
171
Ten Minutes to Finish
I sit across from Tony, who's picking at his meringue. Wonder why I feel like kicking it with him anyway.
I mean, he's really not the kind of guy I'd hook up with at school--not a jock, not refined, surely not moneyed.
There's just something about him, something attractive, but not in a physical way. On a whim, I tell him,
"They just let me out of my room today, and I've only had shrinks to talk to. I feel like I've escaped from a tomb."
He gives me this strange look, like he needs to climb inside my head, walk around in there, see where that path leads. 167
172
Finally he says, You know
I ' m gay, in a tone that
adds, This is a test. You can
leave if you want. It's okay.
Part of me gets a failing grade. If I stay, will the other guys think I want to get laid--by a dude?
Most of me couldn't care less about what a bunch of freaking losers think. Why try to impress the brain-dead? 168
173
Still Another Part of Me
Stresses over a simple fact, In a major way. I thought he was attractive. Can that possibly make me gay?
I really don't think so. I mean, from the time I was twelve I had an insatiable urge to climb into the sack with any girl who would let me. Then it was older girls, coeds, who would seduce a kid simply to get
even with a boyfriend. Or to play teacher. Cool game. Finally, it came down to women, the perfect score.
But men? No, the thought has never crossed my mind, except in a voyeuristic way. Like, does a gay guy ever 169
174
want to be with a woman?
Which I guess could translate the other way, which
will continue to stress me a bit.
The weird thing is, Tony
says he's gay and I'm guessing he really believes it, but he doesn't seem that way to me.
Anyway, gay or no, something about Tony has piqued my interest. So I'll step out of my homophobic shoes.
175
Homophobia Stashed
I'll probably have to lie to pass Tony's litmus test. "No problem," I tell him. "Some of my best friends are gay."
Tony arches an eyebrow. Really? And here I had you pegged for a total jock. But he smiles freely, and I
realize he's mostly kidding. I'm up for some fun. "You saying gay guys can't be jocks? Ever heard of Dennis Rodman?"
His laugh breaks whatever
ice was left between us.
Good point. But let me give you some advice--
never wear a dress to group. The girls don ' t even wear
them. Stockings, heels, and pearls are also on the " don ' t " list. 171
176
Okay, I like him, can trust my instincts again. I notice Vanessa, taking mental notes, know I must
cozy on up to her, too. Part of it is my old self wanting nectar from a new
flower, the beat of a new heart.
Part of it is a simple need to connect with someone who might understand me, might reach out to imperfect
Conner.
177
Amazing
To find Conner the stud, sitting across from me, trading gay jokes. I don't get a gay vibe from him at all. In fact, I notice a probable interest in Vanessa. Like she's even close to his type! No, he looks more like the sorority/socialite type. Anyway, I'm most likely not his type.
Not that I mind having him at my table, literally or tongue-in-cheek. (Where else does Conner
put his tongue? I wonder.) Quit! Just go with his flow.
"Did they let you out of isolation already? That was pretty quick." 173
178
Was it? Well, it seemed like a long damn time to me--eight days.
"That's not so bad. They kept me locked up for two weeks." Two frigging weeks, pacing that room, I ' d be a basket case by now.
"You must have worked some kind of magic. Eight days is cake." Conner grins. Magic, yeah, that ' s it. I put Dr Boston under my spell. 174
179
I Don't Doubt That at All
The Black Widow believes she's a player. But players are easily played by better players, someone, for instance, of Conner's caliber.
"Yeah, well, what about Dr. Starr? You'll have to work voodoo on her." She ' s a special case, okay. Voodoo, huh? Have a couple strands of her
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