Dad, looking puzzled.
‘Tattoos.’
‘Lovely,’ said Dad, trying to hide his shock.
‘She’s the best in Dublin,’ said the loyal Derek. ‘Show them your cobra.’
Roxanne pulled her boxer shorts dangerously low to reveal a large, colourful snake’s head with a tongue leading downwards.
‘Jesus,’ said Dad, not knowing where to look.
‘I know,’ said Derek, smiling. ‘Impressive, isn’t it?’
‘That’s one word for it,’ said Dad.
‘Wasn’t it painful?’ I asked, wincing at the thought of how far down the tongue went.
‘Oh, yeah, I passed out twice, but it’s worth it,’ said the painted lady.
‘So, are you two an item, then?’ asked Dad, looking concerned.
‘We’re fuck-buddies,’ said Roxanne, shrugging. ‘No ties, no drama.’
Silence filled the room. No one knew what to say, least of all Derek, who, judging by his face, was under the impression that they were a lot more than that, and was none too pleased at having this news broadcast to him in front of his father and sister.
‘Have you any older sisters?’ asked Dad.
When the alarm went off at half six the next morning, I felt as if I’d been asleep all of five minutes. I dragged myself out of bed and into the shower. Not having had time to buy shampoo and shower gel, I washed in Head and Shoulders shampoo, which looked as if it had been there since the eighties, then pulled on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt. Having seen what messy eaters the twins were, I chose not to wear anything I actually liked.
Dad was waiting for me in the hall. ‘Come on, I’ll give you a lift. I want to see Fiona to wish her luck… DEREK ,’ he roared.
‘ WHAT ?’
‘Get your lazy arse down here – we’re leaving.’ Then Dad turned to me. ‘I’ve organized a rental car for you. It’ll be here tonight when you get home. We can’t have you being molested by that eejit every time you need a lift for the next few months.’
I smiled gratefully. ‘Thanks, Dad.’
‘ Derek! ’ he bellowed. ‘I’m not waiting any longer.’
As we were pulling out of the drive, Derek hurtled towards the car, barefoot. ‘Jesus, Dad, where’s the fire?’
‘Your sister’s having an operation for cancer. That’s the bloody fire,’ snapped Dad.
We drove the rest of the way in silence.
*
Fiona answered the door. She looked dreadful. She clearly hadn’t slept a wink and her hand was shaking as she tried to stir the boys’ porridge. Gently I took the spoon from her and led her to a chair. I returned to the porridge.
Dad was doing his best to be super-cheery. ‘Derek brought a lovely girl home to me last night, Fiona. I don’t know if you’ve met the charming Roxanne.’
‘No, I haven’t,’ said Fiona.
‘Like Audrey Hepburn, she is. A class act.’
‘Wow! Good for you, Derek,’ said Fiona.
‘She showed us a lovely tattoo of a snake she has down to her crotch and informed us that Derek is her fuck-buddy.’
Despite herself, Fiona laughed.
‘Granddad said fuck! Granddad said fuck!’ screamed Jack, as Mark walked in, immaculately turned out in a suit and tie.
‘Bill, can you please watch your language in front of the boys?’ said Mark, frowning.
‘It was worth it to see Fiona laugh,’ retorted Dad.
‘Are you OK about the sleeping arrangements?’ Fiona asked Derek, always looking out for him.
Derek shrugged. ‘It was news to me. I thought we were mutually exclusive. The bummer of it is that I’d just written this wicked song about her and now I’ll have to change it.’
‘Why can’t you find a nice sensible girl to go out with, instead of these half-wits?’ said Dad.
‘Creative people are drawn to each other, Dad. It’s not like I have any control over it.’
‘Fiona, we’d better go,’ said Mark, pointing to the clock on the kitchen wall.
My stomach sank. Please, God, let it be OK and let the cancer not have spread.
Fiona bent down to hug the twins. ‘OK, boys, remember what I told you? Mummy won’t be
‘Tattoos.’
‘Lovely,’ said Dad, trying to hide his shock.
‘She’s the best in Dublin,’ said the loyal Derek. ‘Show them your cobra.’
Roxanne pulled her boxer shorts dangerously low to reveal a large, colourful snake’s head with a tongue leading downwards.
‘Jesus,’ said Dad, not knowing where to look.
‘I know,’ said Derek, smiling. ‘Impressive, isn’t it?’
‘That’s one word for it,’ said Dad.
‘Wasn’t it painful?’ I asked, wincing at the thought of how far down the tongue went.
‘Oh, yeah, I passed out twice, but it’s worth it,’ said the painted lady.
‘So, are you two an item, then?’ asked Dad, looking concerned.
‘We’re fuck-buddies,’ said Roxanne, shrugging. ‘No ties, no drama.’
Silence filled the room. No one knew what to say, least of all Derek, who, judging by his face, was under the impression that they were a lot more than that, and was none too pleased at having this news broadcast to him in front of his father and sister.
‘Have you any older sisters?’ asked Dad.
When the alarm went off at half six the next morning, I felt as if I’d been asleep all of five minutes. I dragged myself out of bed and into the shower. Not having had time to buy shampoo and shower gel, I washed in Head and Shoulders shampoo, which looked as if it had been there since the eighties, then pulled on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt. Having seen what messy eaters the twins were, I chose not to wear anything I actually liked.
Dad was waiting for me in the hall. ‘Come on, I’ll give you a lift. I want to see Fiona to wish her luck… DEREK ,’ he roared.
‘ WHAT ?’
‘Get your lazy arse down here – we’re leaving.’ Then Dad turned to me. ‘I’ve organized a rental car for you. It’ll be here tonight when you get home. We can’t have you being molested by that eejit every time you need a lift for the next few months.’
I smiled gratefully. ‘Thanks, Dad.’
‘ Derek! ’ he bellowed. ‘I’m not waiting any longer.’
As we were pulling out of the drive, Derek hurtled towards the car, barefoot. ‘Jesus, Dad, where’s the fire?’
‘Your sister’s having an operation for cancer. That’s the bloody fire,’ snapped Dad.
We drove the rest of the way in silence.
*
Fiona answered the door. She looked dreadful. She clearly hadn’t slept a wink and her hand was shaking as she tried to stir the boys’ porridge. Gently I took the spoon from her and led her to a chair. I returned to the porridge.
Dad was doing his best to be super-cheery. ‘Derek brought a lovely girl home to me last night, Fiona. I don’t know if you’ve met the charming Roxanne.’
‘No, I haven’t,’ said Fiona.
‘Like Audrey Hepburn, she is. A class act.’
‘Wow! Good for you, Derek,’ said Fiona.
‘She showed us a lovely tattoo of a snake she has down to her crotch and informed us that Derek is her fuck-buddy.’
Despite herself, Fiona laughed.
‘Granddad said fuck! Granddad said fuck!’ screamed Jack, as Mark walked in, immaculately turned out in a suit and tie.
‘Bill, can you please watch your language in front of the boys?’ said Mark, frowning.
‘It was worth it to see Fiona laugh,’ retorted Dad.
‘Are you OK about the sleeping arrangements?’ Fiona asked Derek, always looking out for him.
Derek shrugged. ‘It was news to me. I thought we were mutually exclusive. The bummer of it is that I’d just written this wicked song about her and now I’ll have to change it.’
‘Why can’t you find a nice sensible girl to go out with, instead of these half-wits?’ said Dad.
‘Creative people are drawn to each other, Dad. It’s not like I have any control over it.’
‘Fiona, we’d better go,’ said Mark, pointing to the clock on the kitchen wall.
My stomach sank. Please, God, let it be OK and let the cancer not have spread.
Fiona bent down to hug the twins. ‘OK, boys, remember what I told you? Mummy won’t be
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