knowing and once it starts, Joyous, there is nothing stopping The Weight, it just increases day by day until you forget what you once looked like and just imagine this is how it must always have been. The Weight is not something that is just in your body, it sits on your mind like a stone that grows heavier and heavier and makes you feel depressed about not just you but pretty much everything. The Weight is a misery that makes each day a long and grey one. What made it worse was that Sammy-K didnât mind, he should have stopped me or helped but he didnât and once in the early days of The Weight he even said, I like a bit of beef on my woman. But this was no comfort and there has been many nights before and since the accident when Mamma woke with a start having been dreaming about Thomas Bowen passing by at the Kinsville church and seeing myself in the blue cotton dress and hat with flowers and seeing how skinny and pretty I was, how filled with hope and trust and the glow of the future. But that was before The Weight came so many years ago and unfortunatelyit just keeps on coming no matter what I do, or at least staying the same and never going away. So, Joyous, I am so grateful for your lack of shame in me with The Weight being my great burden.
Since that winter it has always been my main hope, Joyous, that no Weight will hold you down, that you might fly to the beat of your own beautiful wings. What you must understand is that Mammaâs life is set now and because of circumstances it is pretty messy with little prospect of change. Of course, looking back, we probably should have stayed on the farm and been true to ourselves but who was to know? It was all new and exciting, an opportunity, and looking back, my hopes were too high for what could happen. I was not thinking properly. Mamma has always been a dream person rather than a real person and this is my greatest fault. I know too that I misjudged Sammy-K and thought he might be more trustworthy than what he was. But as Iâve said before, it was better to tolerate him because he was in those days mainly beneficial, and all that Mamma had, outside of My Special Joyous, of course. Like I said in our chats, the thing with Sammy-K was his Fear. He was full of Fear. He had the Fear of what he wanted to be versus what he was and that hurt Sammy-K because the two were so separated, and so the drinking and so the accident. Looking back I can see now that I had The Weight and he had TheFear and this made it hard for all of us.
The thing is too that cities are lonely places, Joyous, more lonely than islands or farms in spite of the people everywhere, because they all do for themselves and there is no spirit of being together or community. They are also noisy, busy places and this wears you down more than you realise. I have often thought that the only sounds we should hear are nature and music and silence, which you never get in the city but we did at the farm in Kinsville. Many is the time I have dreamed of going back but you just canât do that because itâs impossible and silly to dream, as I have said and I have to keep reminding myself. Please remember this, Joyous, there is no going back, but lots of ways forward, lots of different ways which is real thinking. You just have to search for them, keep persisting and not blocking your mind which I think you might have done over the years and that is certainly my fault. I needed to be a better mother and teach you.
The point is that for Mamma the die is cast, as they say, but for Joyous things can still change and be better. I know that you havenât seen much different for a long time now, what with us and this place and Mr Santorini who has been so helpful, but that does not mean it canât be so. I wrote earlier that I wanted to see you gain independence and I still want that more than anything. But, Joyous, you will have to find it for yourself because Mamma canâtdo it anymore. If you
Since that winter it has always been my main hope, Joyous, that no Weight will hold you down, that you might fly to the beat of your own beautiful wings. What you must understand is that Mammaâs life is set now and because of circumstances it is pretty messy with little prospect of change. Of course, looking back, we probably should have stayed on the farm and been true to ourselves but who was to know? It was all new and exciting, an opportunity, and looking back, my hopes were too high for what could happen. I was not thinking properly. Mamma has always been a dream person rather than a real person and this is my greatest fault. I know too that I misjudged Sammy-K and thought he might be more trustworthy than what he was. But as Iâve said before, it was better to tolerate him because he was in those days mainly beneficial, and all that Mamma had, outside of My Special Joyous, of course. Like I said in our chats, the thing with Sammy-K was his Fear. He was full of Fear. He had the Fear of what he wanted to be versus what he was and that hurt Sammy-K because the two were so separated, and so the drinking and so the accident. Looking back I can see now that I had The Weight and he had TheFear and this made it hard for all of us.
The thing is too that cities are lonely places, Joyous, more lonely than islands or farms in spite of the people everywhere, because they all do for themselves and there is no spirit of being together or community. They are also noisy, busy places and this wears you down more than you realise. I have often thought that the only sounds we should hear are nature and music and silence, which you never get in the city but we did at the farm in Kinsville. Many is the time I have dreamed of going back but you just canât do that because itâs impossible and silly to dream, as I have said and I have to keep reminding myself. Please remember this, Joyous, there is no going back, but lots of ways forward, lots of different ways which is real thinking. You just have to search for them, keep persisting and not blocking your mind which I think you might have done over the years and that is certainly my fault. I needed to be a better mother and teach you.
The point is that for Mamma the die is cast, as they say, but for Joyous things can still change and be better. I know that you havenât seen much different for a long time now, what with us and this place and Mr Santorini who has been so helpful, but that does not mean it canât be so. I wrote earlier that I wanted to see you gain independence and I still want that more than anything. But, Joyous, you will have to find it for yourself because Mamma canâtdo it anymore. If you
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