had been going on for a while, but I’d dismissed it as simply being stiff, newly married... I realized how often I’d taken short naps in the afternoon and how many weeks I’d slept for hours more than necessary at night. There had been a lot of symptoms. I should have figured it out right away.
I tried to lighten my voice. “I was just thinking, I have this afternoon and tonight where I can pretend I don’t know, and we can pick up something to eat and hang out and no one will be sick, no one will be sad and tonight everything is still perfect.” I hoped we’d be able to do it. That we’d be able to pull it off. In that moment it felt like my sanity depended on it.
He barely caught the entrance to pick up lunch. “Sounds like a great idea.” His smile looked forced. He was trying too hard. So was I. But I needed this. I needed another night of normal. We stopped in the drive-through. Brian leaned over and carefully put his hands on my face. We sat and stared at one another, I took in his warm, brown eyes, the concern on the edges. He kissed me and pulled away, keeping his eyes on mine. He turned away from me quickly, and looked out the window, holding his chin with his hand.
I worried that my idea for our evening wouldn’t work, but when he turned back around he smiled easi ly at me sending me a message— he’d do his best.
- - -
I woke up sometime in the middle of the night and rolled over to snuggle back up with my husband. He was gone. I sighed. He must be in the bathroom. I waited restlessly for him to return, and then wished I’d checked the clock when I first rolled over. He’d been gone forever. My sense of time in the middle of the night was way off.
I rolled off the edge of our bed, and walked into the hallway. The bathroom was empty. Strange. I slowly walked into the living room. Brian sat on the far end of the couch in the dark, his head in his hands. I could see his body shake in the dim light. My heart broke a little right then. Already I was hurting him. It hadn’t even begun, not yet.
It startled him when I kneeled down, and he sat back.
“I’m so sorry, Brian.” I felt a hot tear slide down my face. I didn’t want to be the one responsible for this.
He shook his head. “Please don’t say that, Leigh.” He took my face in his hands gently. “I love you like… like I never thought I’d love anyone.”
I started to get up, but he put his arms around and underneath me to pull me onto his lap from the floor and held me tightly. “I would do anything. I mean anything to take this from you , and I can’t.” He took another breath in. “I feel so helpless.”
“I would do anything to take this from you too,” I said. “You have to know I’d rather do it myself than watch you do it.”
I saw another tear escape, and slide down his cheek. Guilt washed over me, and I felt helpless too. I put a hand on either side of his neck, and rested my forehead on his. My tears formed small streams on either cheek. “I don’t want to break you apart like this.”
We sat close together, neither of us speaking. His breathing become more even, and his body more relaxed.
“You’re not breaking me apart, Leigh,” he whispered. “This is just something I can’t fix, and I don’t know what to do with that.”
I didn’t either.
EIGHT
I didn’t like the expression on Dr. Watt’s face as he watched the ultrasound screen. I was right.
“I didn’t see the pictures from the last time, but from the description this looks about the same… maybe a little worse. I can see a defin ite growth here.” H e pointed to the blac k and white blobs on the screen. “A nd it looks like its spread this direction. We won’t know if it’s cancer or not until we send samples to the lab.”
He looked over at me and then up at Brian. Brian stood very still. “My recommendation,
I tried to lighten my voice. “I was just thinking, I have this afternoon and tonight where I can pretend I don’t know, and we can pick up something to eat and hang out and no one will be sick, no one will be sad and tonight everything is still perfect.” I hoped we’d be able to do it. That we’d be able to pull it off. In that moment it felt like my sanity depended on it.
He barely caught the entrance to pick up lunch. “Sounds like a great idea.” His smile looked forced. He was trying too hard. So was I. But I needed this. I needed another night of normal. We stopped in the drive-through. Brian leaned over and carefully put his hands on my face. We sat and stared at one another, I took in his warm, brown eyes, the concern on the edges. He kissed me and pulled away, keeping his eyes on mine. He turned away from me quickly, and looked out the window, holding his chin with his hand.
I worried that my idea for our evening wouldn’t work, but when he turned back around he smiled easi ly at me sending me a message— he’d do his best.
- - -
I woke up sometime in the middle of the night and rolled over to snuggle back up with my husband. He was gone. I sighed. He must be in the bathroom. I waited restlessly for him to return, and then wished I’d checked the clock when I first rolled over. He’d been gone forever. My sense of time in the middle of the night was way off.
I rolled off the edge of our bed, and walked into the hallway. The bathroom was empty. Strange. I slowly walked into the living room. Brian sat on the far end of the couch in the dark, his head in his hands. I could see his body shake in the dim light. My heart broke a little right then. Already I was hurting him. It hadn’t even begun, not yet.
It startled him when I kneeled down, and he sat back.
“I’m so sorry, Brian.” I felt a hot tear slide down my face. I didn’t want to be the one responsible for this.
He shook his head. “Please don’t say that, Leigh.” He took my face in his hands gently. “I love you like… like I never thought I’d love anyone.”
I started to get up, but he put his arms around and underneath me to pull me onto his lap from the floor and held me tightly. “I would do anything. I mean anything to take this from you , and I can’t.” He took another breath in. “I feel so helpless.”
“I would do anything to take this from you too,” I said. “You have to know I’d rather do it myself than watch you do it.”
I saw another tear escape, and slide down his cheek. Guilt washed over me, and I felt helpless too. I put a hand on either side of his neck, and rested my forehead on his. My tears formed small streams on either cheek. “I don’t want to break you apart like this.”
We sat close together, neither of us speaking. His breathing become more even, and his body more relaxed.
“You’re not breaking me apart, Leigh,” he whispered. “This is just something I can’t fix, and I don’t know what to do with that.”
I didn’t either.
EIGHT
I didn’t like the expression on Dr. Watt’s face as he watched the ultrasound screen. I was right.
“I didn’t see the pictures from the last time, but from the description this looks about the same… maybe a little worse. I can see a defin ite growth here.” H e pointed to the blac k and white blobs on the screen. “A nd it looks like its spread this direction. We won’t know if it’s cancer or not until we send samples to the lab.”
He looked over at me and then up at Brian. Brian stood very still. “My recommendation,
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