purpose was to not delay treatment if it was necessary, and we’ve been checking you so this came in pretty fast.”
“Um… okay.” I hadn’t known you could do something like that. I’d definitely have to call Mom. They’d already promised to keep paying for my health insurance while Brian or I was in school. It felt like a lot, but there was no way we could do it on our own.
“You need to check in at six in the morning. I’ll try to get to you first.” He exhaled. “I’m sure you’ll want to be back home as soon as you can.”
“You are correct.” But then I though about Brian and Nathan and all that would need to be done for me. I looked over at Brian. “But…”
“Your mom will come up. Don’t worry about anything.” Brian put his warm hand on my shoulder.
“Okay, well, Leigh, we’ll see you Thursday morning.” He reached out and shook both our hands before leaving the room.
I wanted all of this to disappear. To not happen. To not be happening. I slumped back, and closed my eyes while Brian gathered our things.
“Leigh.” I felt his hand softly touch my leg as I laid on the table.
The first tears escaped through closed lids.
He sat on the edge of the table, reached his arms around me and pulled me into his chest. Things would be okay if I could just keep this. Brian’s arms and the way they made the world disappear.
- - -
“He sent you out to ask if I wanted you to know everything,” I said when we were driving home. I’d curled into a ball in the passenger’s seat.
“Oh.”
“I told him yes. I just wanted you to know.”
“Thank you, Leigh.” He squeezed my hand.
I think we were both numb from shock. We didn’t talk after that. Sometimes there’s so much to say that no one knows how to start. He was thinking about me I could tell because once in a while he’d squeeze my hand or let go of me for a moment to touch my shoulder or my face. I was partially in shock, and partially dreading what I knew was coming.
When we pulled into the driveway, I took out my phone and dialed Mom.
“Hey Leigh!” I heard her happy voice on the other end. “It’s nice to hear from you.”
“Yeah. Hey, Mom.” I paused and there was silence on the other end. She’d known me for too many years to not understand the tone of my voice. “I was at my doctor’s today. He’s doing surgery this Thursday.”
I heard a small noise at the other end and silence. That was the sound I knew was coming—t he sound of my mom’s heart breaking again. She took a long, deep breath. She had a lot to process in a few moments. Things weren’t the same. I was married. We lived in different places. And her daughter had cancer, again.
I heard another deep breath and then her voice sounded surprisingly normal. “You know I need something to do, Leigh. How can I help?”
“I’d love it if you’d come up. Nathan’s in school, but I’ll be in the hospital for a couple of days and we have to be there before he gets up on Thursday morning.”
“I’d love to come and stay with Nathan. I’ll drive up tomorrow, okay?”
“Thanks, Mom.” I paused. “I’m sorry.” I’m sorry you’ll have to do this again with me. I’m sorry you have a sick daughter. I’m sorry this whole situation feels completely out of control.
“No, I’m sorry that you...” but she didn’t know how to finish. “Brian is a good man. He’ll take good care of you, Leigh.”
“Yeah.” I looked over at him in the driver’s seat. We hadn’t moved from the car.
“Love you, Mom.”
“Love you.”
I didn’t want to get out. Like if I walked inside our little home and our happy life with an actual quasi- diagnosis, it would become real. It would become a part of our lives. Like a black trail would follow me, and taint the happy world around us.
“I’m calling your brother.” Brian broke the spell
“Um… okay.” I hadn’t known you could do something like that. I’d definitely have to call Mom. They’d already promised to keep paying for my health insurance while Brian or I was in school. It felt like a lot, but there was no way we could do it on our own.
“You need to check in at six in the morning. I’ll try to get to you first.” He exhaled. “I’m sure you’ll want to be back home as soon as you can.”
“You are correct.” But then I though about Brian and Nathan and all that would need to be done for me. I looked over at Brian. “But…”
“Your mom will come up. Don’t worry about anything.” Brian put his warm hand on my shoulder.
“Okay, well, Leigh, we’ll see you Thursday morning.” He reached out and shook both our hands before leaving the room.
I wanted all of this to disappear. To not happen. To not be happening. I slumped back, and closed my eyes while Brian gathered our things.
“Leigh.” I felt his hand softly touch my leg as I laid on the table.
The first tears escaped through closed lids.
He sat on the edge of the table, reached his arms around me and pulled me into his chest. Things would be okay if I could just keep this. Brian’s arms and the way they made the world disappear.
- - -
“He sent you out to ask if I wanted you to know everything,” I said when we were driving home. I’d curled into a ball in the passenger’s seat.
“Oh.”
“I told him yes. I just wanted you to know.”
“Thank you, Leigh.” He squeezed my hand.
I think we were both numb from shock. We didn’t talk after that. Sometimes there’s so much to say that no one knows how to start. He was thinking about me I could tell because once in a while he’d squeeze my hand or let go of me for a moment to touch my shoulder or my face. I was partially in shock, and partially dreading what I knew was coming.
When we pulled into the driveway, I took out my phone and dialed Mom.
“Hey Leigh!” I heard her happy voice on the other end. “It’s nice to hear from you.”
“Yeah. Hey, Mom.” I paused and there was silence on the other end. She’d known me for too many years to not understand the tone of my voice. “I was at my doctor’s today. He’s doing surgery this Thursday.”
I heard a small noise at the other end and silence. That was the sound I knew was coming—t he sound of my mom’s heart breaking again. She took a long, deep breath. She had a lot to process in a few moments. Things weren’t the same. I was married. We lived in different places. And her daughter had cancer, again.
I heard another deep breath and then her voice sounded surprisingly normal. “You know I need something to do, Leigh. How can I help?”
“I’d love it if you’d come up. Nathan’s in school, but I’ll be in the hospital for a couple of days and we have to be there before he gets up on Thursday morning.”
“I’d love to come and stay with Nathan. I’ll drive up tomorrow, okay?”
“Thanks, Mom.” I paused. “I’m sorry.” I’m sorry you’ll have to do this again with me. I’m sorry you have a sick daughter. I’m sorry this whole situation feels completely out of control.
“No, I’m sorry that you...” but she didn’t know how to finish. “Brian is a good man. He’ll take good care of you, Leigh.”
“Yeah.” I looked over at him in the driver’s seat. We hadn’t moved from the car.
“Love you, Mom.”
“Love you.”
I didn’t want to get out. Like if I walked inside our little home and our happy life with an actual quasi- diagnosis, it would become real. It would become a part of our lives. Like a black trail would follow me, and taint the happy world around us.
“I’m calling your brother.” Brian broke the spell
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