way he speaks to her. Only a lover speaks this way. And there’s no question Shulamith wants him. She finds him very desirable.
Idealize Your Spouse
The Song teaches that you need to see your spouse as perfect. Not really, really great. Not terrific. Perfect. I think the passages I’ve already discussed make this point clear, but here are a few more.
Solomon (1:8)
“Most beautiful among women”
Solomon (4:7)
“Altogether beautiful . . . no blemish in you”
Solomon (5:2)
“My perfect one”
Shulamith (1:16)
“Handsome, pleasant”
Solomon (6:9)
“My perfect one . . . pure . . . blessed”
This is not overkill. This is not over the top. It’s how you need to view your precious spouse. That is, if you want passion.
Stop Being a Crab—Think Positive
Stop crabbing about your partner’s faults and annoying habits. You are a whiner! Do you want to see a real pest with all kinds of weaknesses? Look in the mirror! Satan wants you to focus on the negative. He’ll use your negativity to kill your love. He’s done it to millions of couples, and he wants you to be next.
Focus instead on your partner’s positives. If you’re really mired in a negative mind-set, write down a few of your wife’s good points on a three-by-five card and carry it around with you. Look at the card often, and think about those positives. Dwell on them. Pray that God will help you see and appreciate your spouse’s positive qualities.
Give your partner, in person, one positive statement per day. It can be physical: “Your eyes are beautiful.” “I find your feet attractive.” “Look at those abs!” It could be a character trait: “You’re kind.” “You’re patient.” “You have integrity.” “I love your sense of humor.” It could be a spiritual quality: “You’re a godly person.” “You love Jesus.” “I admire you for having regular quiet times.” “Thank you for praying with me last night.”
Also, twice a day tell your spouse in person, “I love you.” These three words convey a powerful, positive message. Don’t tell me you’re not an expressive person or that you never heard your parents say these words to each other. Just do it.
Out with the Negative, In with the Positive
Negatives destroy passion. You know that, don’t you? Let’s say you and your spouse are in the bedroom preparing to make love and these are your thoughts:
Husband: “I wish she wasn’t such a sheet hog! She slurps her soup like an animal. She’s gained a few pounds.”
Wife: “He’s been late getting home from work three times this week. He hasn’t unloaded the dishwasher in two weeks. He took that last piece of pie last night.”
Boy, this is going to be a super sexual time, isn’t it? When you dwell on your spouse’s negatives, sex and every other area of your marriage is damaged.
When you dwell on your spouse’s positives, three great things happen. One, it will stimulate in you feelings of closeness and passion for your spouse. Two, it will stimulate in your spouse feelings of closeness and passion for you. Three, it will result in passion.
I will add a fourth benefit: it will lead, inevitably, to great sex. And isn’t that why you bought this book?
7
“We’re Not Having Any Fun!”
A lot of women are professional shoppers. They love to shop. They live to shop. Most men think about sex once every seven seconds. Most women think about shopping once every five seconds. My Sandy is no exception. I’ve seen her in full shopping mode, and let me tell you, she is a force of nature. When she hits the mall, don’t get in her way. You will get hurt.
For Sandy, shopping is a thrilling adventure with no time limits. She usually has an idea of what she wants, but is open to all possibilities. She’ll see what happens. She enjoys the entire experience: planning the shopping trip, talking about what she’s thinking of buying, the actual shopping trip, showing the kids and me what she purchased, trying on any
Idealize Your Spouse
The Song teaches that you need to see your spouse as perfect. Not really, really great. Not terrific. Perfect. I think the passages I’ve already discussed make this point clear, but here are a few more.
Solomon (1:8)
“Most beautiful among women”
Solomon (4:7)
“Altogether beautiful . . . no blemish in you”
Solomon (5:2)
“My perfect one”
Shulamith (1:16)
“Handsome, pleasant”
Solomon (6:9)
“My perfect one . . . pure . . . blessed”
This is not overkill. This is not over the top. It’s how you need to view your precious spouse. That is, if you want passion.
Stop Being a Crab—Think Positive
Stop crabbing about your partner’s faults and annoying habits. You are a whiner! Do you want to see a real pest with all kinds of weaknesses? Look in the mirror! Satan wants you to focus on the negative. He’ll use your negativity to kill your love. He’s done it to millions of couples, and he wants you to be next.
Focus instead on your partner’s positives. If you’re really mired in a negative mind-set, write down a few of your wife’s good points on a three-by-five card and carry it around with you. Look at the card often, and think about those positives. Dwell on them. Pray that God will help you see and appreciate your spouse’s positive qualities.
Give your partner, in person, one positive statement per day. It can be physical: “Your eyes are beautiful.” “I find your feet attractive.” “Look at those abs!” It could be a character trait: “You’re kind.” “You’re patient.” “You have integrity.” “I love your sense of humor.” It could be a spiritual quality: “You’re a godly person.” “You love Jesus.” “I admire you for having regular quiet times.” “Thank you for praying with me last night.”
Also, twice a day tell your spouse in person, “I love you.” These three words convey a powerful, positive message. Don’t tell me you’re not an expressive person or that you never heard your parents say these words to each other. Just do it.
Out with the Negative, In with the Positive
Negatives destroy passion. You know that, don’t you? Let’s say you and your spouse are in the bedroom preparing to make love and these are your thoughts:
Husband: “I wish she wasn’t such a sheet hog! She slurps her soup like an animal. She’s gained a few pounds.”
Wife: “He’s been late getting home from work three times this week. He hasn’t unloaded the dishwasher in two weeks. He took that last piece of pie last night.”
Boy, this is going to be a super sexual time, isn’t it? When you dwell on your spouse’s negatives, sex and every other area of your marriage is damaged.
When you dwell on your spouse’s positives, three great things happen. One, it will stimulate in you feelings of closeness and passion for your spouse. Two, it will stimulate in your spouse feelings of closeness and passion for you. Three, it will result in passion.
I will add a fourth benefit: it will lead, inevitably, to great sex. And isn’t that why you bought this book?
7
“We’re Not Having Any Fun!”
A lot of women are professional shoppers. They love to shop. They live to shop. Most men think about sex once every seven seconds. Most women think about shopping once every five seconds. My Sandy is no exception. I’ve seen her in full shopping mode, and let me tell you, she is a force of nature. When she hits the mall, don’t get in her way. You will get hurt.
For Sandy, shopping is a thrilling adventure with no time limits. She usually has an idea of what she wants, but is open to all possibilities. She’ll see what happens. She enjoys the entire experience: planning the shopping trip, talking about what she’s thinking of buying, the actual shopping trip, showing the kids and me what she purchased, trying on any
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