throw my arms around her for a girly hug, but I think that may have been too much even for her.’
Ben shook his head, laughing wryly.
‘No, well, this is definitely for the best. You won’t be bothered at the cottage. I can field any telephone calls and I’m there to feed you and provide this to cry on.’ He tapped on his shoulder with a smile. ‘But otherwise you can just relax and decide what it is you want to do.’
‘Oh Ben, thanks so much.’ It sounded so very tempting being holed up with this lovely man for a few days, but I knew I had to get away. Too many memories, too many distractions. ‘You’ve been a complete sweetheart, but I won’t be staying. I need to get away, from everybody and everything. A complete change of scene will do me the power of good.’
‘Are you sure? Where will you go?’
‘I don’t know. The seaside, maybe. I love the coast.’
‘Hmmm. Will you be all right on your own?’
I looked up into Ben’s dark brown eyes, seeing the concern flickering there.
‘Of course I’ll be all right. I’m not going to the other side of the world. You don’t need to worry about me, honestly. I’m only going for a couple of days. I’ve got to come back at some stage and sort out all this mess.’ I gave him a resigned smile. ‘Besides, some sea air will do me the world of good.’
‘Okay,’ he said, sighing resignedly. ‘As long as you promise to phone me every day. And not to do anything stupid while you’re away.’
‘I promise. Well, nothing as stupid as anything I’ve done in the last day or so, at least.’
***
Ben dropped me off at the station and no sooner had I settled into my seat on the train and was gazing out of the window marvelling at how spontaneous I was being, then a huge sense of abandonment enveloped me. Thinking about Ed and Sophie, then leaving behind my job for a couple of weeks and finally watching Ben as he waved goodbye from the platform edge made me feel soppily nostalgic. It was like everything and everybody that I knew and loved was being ripped from my soul.
I could feel the tears forming in my eyes, but I was determined not to let them fall, not until Ben was out of sight at least, or else I knew he’d be on that train in a jiffy insisting I went home with him. Right at that moment he wouldn’t have to insist too hard.
I’d secretly hoped that he might beg me to stay, even just a little bit, although if he had I knew I’d have been sitting at his kitchen table right now finishing off his supplies of chocolate biscuits.
Just thinking about Ben’s kindness, the warmth in his eyes when he looked at me, the affection in his voice when he reassured me and the memory of his strong, defiant body when he confronted me with that shotgun, it was all too disturbing for words. Everything could have changed between us in that moment if he’d acted as recklessly as I’d been feeling last night.
And I didn’t mean shooting me in the heart either. Ed and Sophie had already done that to me earlier. I meant giving into my mad, ill-thought-through attempt at seduction.
Thank goodness Ben had seen it for what it was! I couldn’t believe I’d actually thought about jeopardising all those years of friendship for the sake of a sympathy shag.
Of course I loved Ben. I’d loved him since I was a kid. I loved him in the way you love your best friend, but last night, in my wrought and vulnerable condition, I’d mistaken that affection for something much much stronger.
Our friendship would have been blown to smithereens and that would have been awful because I valued Ben’s friendship above all else and at the moment I needed all the friends I could get. I wondered what he was thinking. Was he skipping back to his car, kicking his heels together in relief, knowing he’d narrowly escaped the clutches of a mad, unhinged woman who was as likely to burst into tears at any moment as she was to drop her knickers given half the chance? Would I ever recover from
Ben shook his head, laughing wryly.
‘No, well, this is definitely for the best. You won’t be bothered at the cottage. I can field any telephone calls and I’m there to feed you and provide this to cry on.’ He tapped on his shoulder with a smile. ‘But otherwise you can just relax and decide what it is you want to do.’
‘Oh Ben, thanks so much.’ It sounded so very tempting being holed up with this lovely man for a few days, but I knew I had to get away. Too many memories, too many distractions. ‘You’ve been a complete sweetheart, but I won’t be staying. I need to get away, from everybody and everything. A complete change of scene will do me the power of good.’
‘Are you sure? Where will you go?’
‘I don’t know. The seaside, maybe. I love the coast.’
‘Hmmm. Will you be all right on your own?’
I looked up into Ben’s dark brown eyes, seeing the concern flickering there.
‘Of course I’ll be all right. I’m not going to the other side of the world. You don’t need to worry about me, honestly. I’m only going for a couple of days. I’ve got to come back at some stage and sort out all this mess.’ I gave him a resigned smile. ‘Besides, some sea air will do me the world of good.’
‘Okay,’ he said, sighing resignedly. ‘As long as you promise to phone me every day. And not to do anything stupid while you’re away.’
‘I promise. Well, nothing as stupid as anything I’ve done in the last day or so, at least.’
***
Ben dropped me off at the station and no sooner had I settled into my seat on the train and was gazing out of the window marvelling at how spontaneous I was being, then a huge sense of abandonment enveloped me. Thinking about Ed and Sophie, then leaving behind my job for a couple of weeks and finally watching Ben as he waved goodbye from the platform edge made me feel soppily nostalgic. It was like everything and everybody that I knew and loved was being ripped from my soul.
I could feel the tears forming in my eyes, but I was determined not to let them fall, not until Ben was out of sight at least, or else I knew he’d be on that train in a jiffy insisting I went home with him. Right at that moment he wouldn’t have to insist too hard.
I’d secretly hoped that he might beg me to stay, even just a little bit, although if he had I knew I’d have been sitting at his kitchen table right now finishing off his supplies of chocolate biscuits.
Just thinking about Ben’s kindness, the warmth in his eyes when he looked at me, the affection in his voice when he reassured me and the memory of his strong, defiant body when he confronted me with that shotgun, it was all too disturbing for words. Everything could have changed between us in that moment if he’d acted as recklessly as I’d been feeling last night.
And I didn’t mean shooting me in the heart either. Ed and Sophie had already done that to me earlier. I meant giving into my mad, ill-thought-through attempt at seduction.
Thank goodness Ben had seen it for what it was! I couldn’t believe I’d actually thought about jeopardising all those years of friendship for the sake of a sympathy shag.
Of course I loved Ben. I’d loved him since I was a kid. I loved him in the way you love your best friend, but last night, in my wrought and vulnerable condition, I’d mistaken that affection for something much much stronger.
Our friendship would have been blown to smithereens and that would have been awful because I valued Ben’s friendship above all else and at the moment I needed all the friends I could get. I wondered what he was thinking. Was he skipping back to his car, kicking his heels together in relief, knowing he’d narrowly escaped the clutches of a mad, unhinged woman who was as likely to burst into tears at any moment as she was to drop her knickers given half the chance? Would I ever recover from
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