Letting Go of Disappointments and Painful Losses by Pam Vredevelt Page B

take care of themselves. Manypeople I talk with in my counseling office or at conferences regularly place their own needs at the bottom of their to-do list. The job, the boss, the kids, the spouse, the community, the church—everyone else gets the best they have to offer. The caretakers get the leftovers, as if everyone’s life except theirs deserves attention and support. The tragic result is that these caring folks end up living life on the verge of burnout.
    You will break the bow if you keep it always bent.
    G REEK P ROVERB
    While talking with Carmen during a therapy session, I learned that she had been the primary caretaker of her ailing parents for ten years. She nursed her father for four years before he died. Shortly after he passed on, her mother had a stroke, and Carmen spent the next six years attending to her needs. Not surprisingly, after her mother’s death, Carmen felt like she was “caving in.” The loss of her beloved parents was intensely painful, but exhaustion further complicated the grief. When I asked Carmen about the nature of some of her own needs, her eyes glazed over into a blank stare. “I don’t know,” she sighed. “I really haven’t thought about it.” Together, we set out to help her think about it and learn the basics of healthy self-care.
    Grief is hard work. It takes emotional energy to let go of something near and dear to our hearts. When we’re processing a painful loss, it’s important to give ourselves permission to downshift into survival mode, to streamline our activities and conserveour mental and emotional resources. We typically don’t have much of an emotional buffer when we’re in the throes of a major life adjustment. That’s why self-care is critically important.
    If you don’t slow down, you’ll break down.
    J UDITH S T. P IERRE
    Revisiting the basics is a good place to start. It’s amazing how symptoms of anxiety and depression are diminished by incorporating three simple ingredients into our routine: healthy meals, ample sleep, and regular exercise. They provide a firm foundation for successfully letting go. If we subtract one or more of these three components from the equation, we run the risk of arresting, or at least inhibiting, our forward movement in life.
    Think about it. Have you ever noticed that when you are in a time of transition, your eating, sleeping, and exercise habits tend to become somewhat erratic? Transitions are stressful. When stress increases, compulsions also increase, and routine tends to be less than consistent. We find ourselves eating more (or less) than necessary, grabbing junk food on the run, or skipping meals altogether. Our sleep patterns can become erratic. We may sleep more than usual, lay awake at night, or burn the candle at both ends. Likewise, we may cut back on exercise, skip it altogether, or become more compulsive about it.
    Let’s revisit these basics, one by one, and examine ways to manage them during the letting-go process.
    There are many helpful books that offer sound eatingprograms, so I don’t want to go into great detail here, but I do want to underline the importance of consistently eating nutritious food. For some, that means three balanced meals a day. For others, depending on their energy output and blood-sugar sensitivities, it may mean four or five small meals a day.
    During a season of letting go, what you eat can make a significant difference in your endurance. Letting go of disappointment and painful losses requires high-octane fuel. Diet soda and junk food aren’t going to give you what you need when you’re mentally and emotionally taxed by chronic stress. Some nutritional experts suggest increasing your protein intake at such times because protein is a stabilizing energy source that burns longer than carbohydrates. Adding a high-quality vitamin-mineral supplement can also bolster the body during prolonged periods of stress.
    In the year following Nathan’s birth, I was physically and mentally