Lily of the Valley by Sarah Daltry Page B

with someone?”
    “No. I don’t want to feel anything.”
    She lies down by my side and I wrap my arm around her; she rests her head in the crook of my arm. “Tell me what’s going on. Are you okay?”
    “Why does everyone keep asking me that?”
    “Because you’re not acting okay.”
    “I’m acting fine.”
    “No,” she sighs. “You’re acting like… well, like…” She doesn’t want to say it and I realize what she thinks.
    “I promised you last time it would never happen again.”
    “I can’t go through that again, Jack. You know I would’ve followed you.”
    This makes me angry and I roll over on my side. “Never. Say. That. Again.”
    “Did you even think about what it would have been like for me ?”
    “No, I’m sorry. When I was wrapping a fucking rope around my neck, I did not think about your thoughts on the matter.”
    I move away from her and sit on the edge of the bed, my head in my hands. She doesn’t move and her voice is a disembodied condemnation.
    “They told me in math class. They came to get me and I thought you were dead.”
    “Well, I’m not. Hooray.”
    “You don’t understand why I didn’t go away to school?”
    “No, I don’t.”
    “Because I wanted to be able to drop it all if you needed me,” she says. “Because I couldn’t be in another state if you tried to kill yourself again.”
    I turn around and look at her lying on my bed. She’s crying, but she looks so much more alive than I’ve ever seen her. The sobs shake her body and I consider hugging her, but then I remember that I’m still mad. Although I forget why I’m mad.
    “I’m not worth that,” I tell her.
    “No, you’ve always been worth that. You’ve always been worth everything. You just don’t care about my opinion. You always wanted everyone to like you, to please them all. For all your venom, for all your anger at them, you wanted their approval. You had me and you had Dave, but we were never enough. I could give up my entire future for you, but it didn’t matter if some stranger in your dorm looked at you the wrong way. And now, I’m going to end up stuck here, because I planned my future around you and it’s not good enough. Not if your ‘princess’ doesn’t acknowledge you.”
    “That’s not-”
    “Just shut the fuck up,” she interrupts. “I needed to say it and you needed to hear it. Now let’s just forget about it and get drunk.”
    “I lost my buzz,” I tell her.
    “Good thing I brought more.”
    She takes out a bottle of vodka and a bottle of tequila. We drink until we both pass out in my bed. It’s almost like sleeping, like disappearing. Except I can’t stop seeing that girl.

 
    Chapter 7
     
    During work the next day, I find a quiet moment and ask Sandee for advice about my dad. We’re out back during break, the door propped open with a box of hot sauce, and we lean against a stack of pallets, smoking. She passes me a bottle of something. I don’t even look to see what it is. I take a swig and the burn feels so fucking good.
    “Can I ask you something?” I ask.
    She slips the alcohol back into her apron pocket and lights another cigarette. “Ask away.”
    “My grandmother insists I see my father before I go back Monday night. I can’t stand seeing him. I hate him so much.”
    She nods.
    I continue. “Like, fine, okay, maybe it would be better to have him in some program, but it seems really lame, you know? Like, oh, go ahead, fucking kill your wife, but now things will be a-okay because you said sorry. That’s bullshit. No one stepped in to help her. No one tried to help me.”
    “You don’t want anyone’s help,” she points out.
    “Still.”
    I look up at the sky. It’s a funny shade of pink, which inevitably makes me think of the same thing that’s been on my mind for weeks now.
    “Motherfucking strawberries.”
    “What?” Sandee asks. I didn’t even realize I said it aloud.
    “Nothing.”
    “What do you want, Jack? With your