this bed, it was as bad as those cots they had at camp. So two people could have slept in it, after allâshe and Ed, she and that doctor. But sheâd been a child, sheâd been ten years old and small for her age; in another five weeks she was to enter sixth grade. She closed her eyes and remembered his warmth against her.
CHAPTER THREE
The Nights Upstate Are Still Pretty Cold
DID SHE really think she could go off to Yaddo and immediately devote herself totally to work, the way she had other summers? Jana slept restlessly. The second night she had a nightmare:
She was traveling with another woman. They were going to some sort of concert, and started talking with two guys. At first Jana thought her companions were going inside and leaving her behind, but the woman couldnât get tickets. They all went back to the island, intending to get dinner, but one of the guysâ fathers appeared, and he kept them talking. It was after midnight and they still hadnât eaten. All the stores on the island were closedâthe only thing to do now was to drive back to the coast. Jana said she would drive.
All Jana had on was her nightgown; she wasnât even wearing panties. Her friend cautioned her to get dressed, but Jana laughed at her. Meanwhile, one of the guys cuddled up under her nightgown. She warned him not to do anything, but he wouldnât stop. He kept unrolling his penis, and Jana kept folding it back up again, laughing. At last he got it in her. All she could think was that she was driving, there was going to be blood all over the seat of the car. He recoiled in horror when he realized she was a virgin.
She woke from the painâthere was an incredible, burning sensation in her lower stomach. She lay there, knees drawn up to her chest, rubbing, but it seemed to come from inside her stomach wall. She pressed one cold hand against her crotch and maneuvered her legs over the side of the bed. She managed to stand. Now if she could just find the light switchâsheâd forgotten how dark nights were in the country. She found a lamp on the table, then almost knocked it over trying to turn it on. She made her way to the closet, wrapped her familiar flannel robe tightly around her, and rushed down the hall to the bathroom. There was too much pain to urinate. She gave up and walked slowly back to her room, groping the wall with one hand to steady herself.
No use going back to sleep now. Jana tossed in the high four-poster bed with its hooks on the sides that had once held a canopy, a reminder that Yaddo used to be a private mansion. Damn Ed and his stories about traveling along the coast of Maine, driving out to the islands. She hoped now heâd had to sleep on a lumpy mattress.
âItâs not sex youâre afraid of; itâs intimacy, affection.â She couldnât get those words out of her mind. If Natalie had said them, sheâd be able to brush them off as another catty comment. But it was Marilynâs voice she heard. Jana had called her from Yaddo the afternoon sheâd arrived, still confused about her âevening outâ with Ed.
âThereâs nothing unusual about your reaction,â Marilyn began. She went on to explain that many women became momentarily unresponsive whenever they were with a new man. For some women, she said, the tension passed quickly. But not everyone was able to become passionate and emotionally involved even during intercourse; many women kept themselves at a distance for years, lying there dissociated from their bodies. Frigid, Marilyn termed it.
Now Jana was even more confused. Sheâd been talking about sitting with Ed, not sleeping with him. Besides, she was emotional, constantly overreacting to little things; she couldnât seem to laugh at herself the way other people could. The prospect of frigidity seemed not only irrelevant, but inconceivable.
âWhat about the way you froze when he took your hand?â Marilyn
CHAPTER THREE
The Nights Upstate Are Still Pretty Cold
DID SHE really think she could go off to Yaddo and immediately devote herself totally to work, the way she had other summers? Jana slept restlessly. The second night she had a nightmare:
She was traveling with another woman. They were going to some sort of concert, and started talking with two guys. At first Jana thought her companions were going inside and leaving her behind, but the woman couldnât get tickets. They all went back to the island, intending to get dinner, but one of the guysâ fathers appeared, and he kept them talking. It was after midnight and they still hadnât eaten. All the stores on the island were closedâthe only thing to do now was to drive back to the coast. Jana said she would drive.
All Jana had on was her nightgown; she wasnât even wearing panties. Her friend cautioned her to get dressed, but Jana laughed at her. Meanwhile, one of the guys cuddled up under her nightgown. She warned him not to do anything, but he wouldnât stop. He kept unrolling his penis, and Jana kept folding it back up again, laughing. At last he got it in her. All she could think was that she was driving, there was going to be blood all over the seat of the car. He recoiled in horror when he realized she was a virgin.
She woke from the painâthere was an incredible, burning sensation in her lower stomach. She lay there, knees drawn up to her chest, rubbing, but it seemed to come from inside her stomach wall. She pressed one cold hand against her crotch and maneuvered her legs over the side of the bed. She managed to stand. Now if she could just find the light switchâsheâd forgotten how dark nights were in the country. She found a lamp on the table, then almost knocked it over trying to turn it on. She made her way to the closet, wrapped her familiar flannel robe tightly around her, and rushed down the hall to the bathroom. There was too much pain to urinate. She gave up and walked slowly back to her room, groping the wall with one hand to steady herself.
No use going back to sleep now. Jana tossed in the high four-poster bed with its hooks on the sides that had once held a canopy, a reminder that Yaddo used to be a private mansion. Damn Ed and his stories about traveling along the coast of Maine, driving out to the islands. She hoped now heâd had to sleep on a lumpy mattress.
âItâs not sex youâre afraid of; itâs intimacy, affection.â She couldnât get those words out of her mind. If Natalie had said them, sheâd be able to brush them off as another catty comment. But it was Marilynâs voice she heard. Jana had called her from Yaddo the afternoon sheâd arrived, still confused about her âevening outâ with Ed.
âThereâs nothing unusual about your reaction,â Marilyn began. She went on to explain that many women became momentarily unresponsive whenever they were with a new man. For some women, she said, the tension passed quickly. But not everyone was able to become passionate and emotionally involved even during intercourse; many women kept themselves at a distance for years, lying there dissociated from their bodies. Frigid, Marilyn termed it.
Now Jana was even more confused. Sheâd been talking about sitting with Ed, not sleeping with him. Besides, she was emotional, constantly overreacting to little things; she couldnât seem to laugh at herself the way other people could. The prospect of frigidity seemed not only irrelevant, but inconceivable.
âWhat about the way you froze when he took your hand?â Marilyn
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