Lola's Secret by Monica McInerney Page A

promises had faded into memory. Worst of all, Bett knew in her heart that she was the loser. She was the Bad Mother and Carrie was the Perfect Mother. If only Carrie would ring now and again to say she was at the end of her tether, that her three kids were driving her crazy, that she was tired, that she and Matthew hadn’t talked about anything but bottles and nappies for weeks, let alone kissed, let alone the rest of it. But that wasn’t Carrie’s life. All she ever told Bett was how perfect things were at home.
    Bett and Daniel had started fighting about Carrie lately too. They’d had a row about her as recently as this week. She’d been telling him what Carrie had told her, that she and Matthew had hired someone to do her “big wash” once a week—the sheets, towels, and baby clothes. How much time it saved.
    “That’s wonderful for Carrie and Matthew,” Daniel had said, in the mild tone she should have registered as a warning sign. “Perhaps when we have as much money as Carrie and Matthew we can hire a staff of helpers too. I’m working all the hours I can, Bett, but it’s a small paper and unfortunately it just doesn’t pay as much as a statewide vet business. Perhaps you should have married Matthew after all.”
    She’d been too shocked to answer. In the five years they’d been together, Daniel had never referred to her past history with Matthew. She’d wanted to go to their bedroom and burst into tears, but then Yvette had woken and started crying and Zachary had followed suit. She and Daniel had taken a baby each and the conversation they might have had, the apology she might have made, the make-up sex they might have enjoyed didn’t happen. But the words, the accusations, were still in the house, festering. One more middle-of-the-night worry. Her marriage was in serious trouble.
    It was another reason to get out of the house and go back to work. Wouldn’t that give her something more to talk to Daniel about? Turn her, even in a small way, back into the Bett he’d fallen in love with and married? Because she knew she wasn’t that person anymore. She’d completely understand if he did want to leave her. She hated herself at the moment too.
    Another piece of helpful advice from Carrie flashed into her mind. “Make sure to have some you-time with Daniel, won’t you?” she’d said. She’d given Bett a head-to-toe look. “Even if you just change into something nice before he comes home each night, it’ll give you a lift too. I know it sounds all 1950s and Stepford Wives -ish,” she’d given that trilling laugh that set Bett’s teeth on edge, “but really, it works. If you pretend you’re happy and in control, sometimes it will really feel as though you are.”
    If I pretend I’m driving an axe into your head, will it feel as if I really am? Bett had thought.
    Stop it! she told herself now. Forget Carrie. Forget Daniel, even. The twins are safe with Jane. You’ve got the afternoon to yourself. Use it. Live in the moment, or whatever that saying was. Easier said than done. She took three deep breaths and told herself exactly where she was. In her car, in the main street of Clare, on a stinking hot day, wearing entirely the wrong clothes but at least they were clean, just ten minutes away from the meeting with her editor. Step One of her Save My Life plan.
    It was far too hot and she was far too edgy to sit quietly in the car and compose herself, though she knew that was exactly what she should do. What she really needed was a dose of her grandmother. A good, soul-clearing, stress-relieving rant to Lola about Carrie in the first instance, and possibly even about Daniel too, if there was time. Starting the car again, she drove fifty meters down the street, easily finding a parking spot. She just hoped today was one of Lola’s days in the charity shop.
    It was. Through the front window she could see the tall, erect figure of her white-haired grandmother standing behind the counter arranging