Look Behind You by Sibel Hodge

mechanism. Since there is no brain injury involved here, it’s likely that you may begin to recall the trauma over time, and talking about your past could help with that. It is possible that the trauma of the miscarriage itself has brought this on.’
    I frown, confused. ‘Wait, Dr Traynor didn’t mention anything like that. He said the amnesia could be from concussion or as a side effect of taking the sleeping tablets, the Sil…Sil—’
    ‘Silepine.’
    ‘Yes, that.’
    ‘Well, all of our theories are entirely possible.’ He sounds a little defensive, and I wonder if there’s some kind of departmental rivalry going on about my diagnosis. ‘Unfortunately, there is no exact test we can do to prove the correct one, which is why we need to look at everything.’
    ‘I see,’ I say, except I don’t see at all. I feel like I’m stumbling around in the dark still, blindly bumping into things. I take a sip of water and swallow slowly. My fingertips itch under the gauze and I fight the urge to scratch them. ‘Where do I start, then?’
    ‘How were things going before the miscarriage?’
    ‘Well…things weren’t perfect, I suppose. I mean, whose life is perfect?’
    ‘I would imagine it depends on your idea of perfection. What was your home life and work like?’ He looks at me as if I’m a curious specimen.
    ‘Work was good. I teach A Level English Language to college students. Of course, you get the odd pupil who likes to muck around and have fun, but on the whole, they’re a good bunch of teenagers. It’s a sixth form college affiliated with Cambridge University. Most of the students are from good backgrounds and want to go on to Cambridge, so it’s not like I’m teaching in an inner city school, which brings its own set of problems.’
    ‘That must be very rewarding.’
    ‘For the most part it is. Liam doesn’t like me teaching.’
    ‘Why not?’
    I exhale a deep breath. ‘He’s old fashioned. He thinks the wife should be at home, taking care of her husband’s every whim.’
    ‘And you don’t agree with that?’
    ‘Teaching is one of the few things I’ve managed to hang onto that’s mine.’
    His brows furrow together. ‘Can you elaborate on that?’
    I wonder how much to tell him. I don’t like airing my dirty laundry in public. This is the life I’ve chosen, and sometimes you just have to put up with things, don’t you? And anyway, every relationship has its up and downs. But I want to find out what happened to me, and talking about this may be the only way to get my memory back. ‘Liam can be a bit controlling sometimes. You know, he just likes things done his way, I suppose.’ I shrug. ‘And then sometimes, he’s wonderful. Attentive, loving, thoughtful. It’s not all bad, really, it’s just normal. No one’s perfect, are they?’ I let out a mirthless laugh. ‘We’ve all got flaws, haven’t we?’
    ‘Of course. We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t.’
    ‘In the beginning, things were great between us. He was romantic and kind, and funny. After we got married a couple of years ago, things started to change. He was working long hours, and I put it down to the stress of his job that was making him moody sometimes, then he got a promotion, which made him even more stressed, but now I think…’
    ‘Yes?’
    ‘Maybe it’s just me that makes him moody. I thought the baby might help get things back on track for us. But, well, obviously that didn’t happen. It looks like it’s just made things a whole lot worse.’
    ‘Was he happy about the baby?’
    ‘I don’t know. I can’t remember. I was going to tell him after the party, but that’s where my memory ends.’
    ‘Did you talk about having children?’
    ‘He didn’t want to spoil things between us if we had a baby. He wanted it to just be us as a couple.’ I bite my lip. ‘Some men are like that, aren’t they? They get jealous when a baby comes along.’
    ‘Was he jealous over you?’
    A memory hits me then.