him.
“Sometimes I get a little nervous too. Here,” he says, reaching into the pocket of his jeans and pulling out a bottle of pills. “Take one of these vitamins. They’re good for brain stimulation and all that shit. Maybe they’ll help you strap on a set and use that brain of yours to figure out a way to come clean with Charlotte.”
Pops opens the lid and dumps two of the pills in my hand and then hands me his glass of water on the coffee table in front of him. Downing the pills in one swallow, I figure if they don’t help stimulate my brain into coming up with a better idea for showing Charlotte I’m in love with her, maybe they’ll calm my nerves about the ribbon cutting ceremony later tonight, or give me strong bones at the very least.
Something isn’t right. Something isn’t right at all. I want to have sex. I always want to have sex, but right now I want to have sex with the giant pair of scissors I’m currently holding in my hand and that wouldn’t be good at all. Sex and scissors should never mix.
I could totally fit my penis into the finger holes, though.
I’m also contemplating having sex with the drainpipe attached to the building to my left. And maybe even sticking it to the Rhododendron bush to my right. I wonder if anyone would notice if I got down on my stomach and just started rubbing myself against the curb? Is it still illegal to have sex with trees in Ohio? I need to stick my penis in something right the fuck now.
I glance out at the crowd of people gathered in the parking lot of Minney’s Adult Mart and wipe the sweat from my brow. Seduction and Snacks is the only distributor for Minney’s, so this ribbon cutting ceremony is a pretty big deal. I don’t have time for whatever is going on with me right now. I feel like I’m fifteen again and a gust of wind can get me hard.
“Dude, what’s wrong with you. You look like you want to kill someone. Or rape the pair of scissors you’re holding. Are you feeling okay?”
I glance at Tyler standing next to me and notice he’s wearing corduroys. Those would feel really good right now if I rubbed my penis against them. All soft and rough at the same time. Like a ribbed condom, but better.
“Why are you looking at my legs like that? Stop it,” Tyler scolds.
Shaking the dark thoughts from my head, I quickly turn away from him and try to think of something other than sex.
“I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. I was fine at my parents’ house but started feeling funny on the way over.”
That woman has really pretty knees. I’ve never had sex with knees before.
“I hope that is a real fucking gun in your pocket and you’re not excited to see me, otherwise this friendship is over. I don’t swing that way,” Tyler says in disgust as he stares at the crotch of my black dress pants.
Looking down, I realize I have the world’s biggest hard-on tenting the front of my pants. I quickly turn away from the gathering crowd and un-tuck my dress shirt from my pants to try and cover it up.
“Oh my God, why won’t it go down?!” I whisper yell.
“Try thinking about your mom naked. Wait, never mind, that just got me hard,” Tyler says with a laugh.
“God dammit, shut up! Shit. Baseball, Pops taking a dump, puppies dying, Barney,” I mutter, squeezing my eyes closed. “Holy fuck this is starting to hurt. Why won’t it go away?”
“Wait, this is a serious problem? I thought you were just kidding,” Tyler says after a few minutes of watching me mumble.
“It’s a serious fucking problem! It feels like there’s a penis inside of my penis trying to claw its way out and fuck everything in sight! I have to cut this ribbon in fifteen minutes. I can’t stand in front of all of these people like this,” I complain.
“Actually, this is probably the best place for you to be with this type of problem. I’m actually surprised there aren’t people whipping it out in the parking lot. Try smacking it,”
“Sometimes I get a little nervous too. Here,” he says, reaching into the pocket of his jeans and pulling out a bottle of pills. “Take one of these vitamins. They’re good for brain stimulation and all that shit. Maybe they’ll help you strap on a set and use that brain of yours to figure out a way to come clean with Charlotte.”
Pops opens the lid and dumps two of the pills in my hand and then hands me his glass of water on the coffee table in front of him. Downing the pills in one swallow, I figure if they don’t help stimulate my brain into coming up with a better idea for showing Charlotte I’m in love with her, maybe they’ll calm my nerves about the ribbon cutting ceremony later tonight, or give me strong bones at the very least.
Something isn’t right. Something isn’t right at all. I want to have sex. I always want to have sex, but right now I want to have sex with the giant pair of scissors I’m currently holding in my hand and that wouldn’t be good at all. Sex and scissors should never mix.
I could totally fit my penis into the finger holes, though.
I’m also contemplating having sex with the drainpipe attached to the building to my left. And maybe even sticking it to the Rhododendron bush to my right. I wonder if anyone would notice if I got down on my stomach and just started rubbing myself against the curb? Is it still illegal to have sex with trees in Ohio? I need to stick my penis in something right the fuck now.
I glance out at the crowd of people gathered in the parking lot of Minney’s Adult Mart and wipe the sweat from my brow. Seduction and Snacks is the only distributor for Minney’s, so this ribbon cutting ceremony is a pretty big deal. I don’t have time for whatever is going on with me right now. I feel like I’m fifteen again and a gust of wind can get me hard.
“Dude, what’s wrong with you. You look like you want to kill someone. Or rape the pair of scissors you’re holding. Are you feeling okay?”
I glance at Tyler standing next to me and notice he’s wearing corduroys. Those would feel really good right now if I rubbed my penis against them. All soft and rough at the same time. Like a ribbed condom, but better.
“Why are you looking at my legs like that? Stop it,” Tyler scolds.
Shaking the dark thoughts from my head, I quickly turn away from him and try to think of something other than sex.
“I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. I was fine at my parents’ house but started feeling funny on the way over.”
That woman has really pretty knees. I’ve never had sex with knees before.
“I hope that is a real fucking gun in your pocket and you’re not excited to see me, otherwise this friendship is over. I don’t swing that way,” Tyler says in disgust as he stares at the crotch of my black dress pants.
Looking down, I realize I have the world’s biggest hard-on tenting the front of my pants. I quickly turn away from the gathering crowd and un-tuck my dress shirt from my pants to try and cover it up.
“Oh my God, why won’t it go down?!” I whisper yell.
“Try thinking about your mom naked. Wait, never mind, that just got me hard,” Tyler says with a laugh.
“God dammit, shut up! Shit. Baseball, Pops taking a dump, puppies dying, Barney,” I mutter, squeezing my eyes closed. “Holy fuck this is starting to hurt. Why won’t it go away?”
“Wait, this is a serious problem? I thought you were just kidding,” Tyler says after a few minutes of watching me mumble.
“It’s a serious fucking problem! It feels like there’s a penis inside of my penis trying to claw its way out and fuck everything in sight! I have to cut this ribbon in fifteen minutes. I can’t stand in front of all of these people like this,” I complain.
“Actually, this is probably the best place for you to be with this type of problem. I’m actually surprised there aren’t people whipping it out in the parking lot. Try smacking it,”
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