wanted to be your girl.”
And I still do.
I flushed, going hot and cold over how badly I needed all of Alexander. Why was I surprised? My body had already adjusted, probably happened as soon as I had heard he was coming back into my life.
Did I ever really think I could be in the same room with him and not need him? Alexander was my obsession, one I thought I could push off into the dank corners of my mind when I wanted to pretend I was normal.
A great big game of pretend which I played rather well.
Just like I pretended each man I went to bed with was him. Lights off, eyes closed, was enough impetus for my imagination to bring Alexander back to my bed.
No wonder those men never had a chance.
“It’s my turn for a question, Sophia.” Alexander’s hand swept my hair off my shoulder and rested his hand on my exposed neck. The sensation of being collared rose again. “What was it about me that you wanted to badly? I was an overachieving nerd. Hardly the type that pretty girls like you usually chase after.”
He had to be joking.
Alexander’s brilliance shone like the brightest star in a pitch-black sky. He inspired me to push myself, to become bright enough to share the same sky. He showed me that it was possible to be different, to rise above the mess of my tattered life and aim for the heavens.
How could I explain that to him? How could Alexander understand it without looking down on me in scorn for rearranging my whole world to finally being good enough for him?
Truth is I still didn’t think I was good enough. And that stuck in my craw more than I’d like to admit.
I stalled. “You were the smartest person in that town, but you were hardly a nerd. Overachieving—yes. Nerd—no.”
His chest rumbled. It sounded much like a purr. His fingers slid along the hollow of my throat. “You’re so sweet, Sophia. Sweet and wrong. Now answer the question.”
I took a deep breath and plunged off the cliff. Why try to keep hiding?
“You were everything I wanted to be. Just being in the same room with you made me feel like I could be something more than what I was, where I came from.”
“That’s adulation. Not love.”
I clenched my eyes shut for a moment. He didn’t understand so I tried again. “The heart wants what it wants, Alexander. It can’t be rationalized. All I know is I loved you when I didn’t even know how to love myself. That was the defining part of my dysfunction when it came to my feelings for you. I projected my lack of esteem on what appeared to be your overabundance in order to compensate.”
Alexander squeezed my throat once and then released it. His hand resumed its position on the back of my neck. “How much therapy did you have to pay for to recite that bit of babble?”
Humiliation burned my core. I wanted to lash out and cry all at once. The urge to bolt also pressed down almost as hard as his hand did. “You even knew about that.”
“Of course. I’ve kept track of you as soon as you turned on your utilities in Georgia. The more money I made, the more I learned. You were never far from my thoughts, little chick.”
“You could’ve picked up the phone and called instead.”
“Could I? No, I don’t think so. Even today you would’ve pretended like I didn’t exist if I didn’t force you to acknowledge me. Go ahead—try to deny it.”
I moved my head until my chin rested on his knee. I looked up at him and admitted, “You’re right. I would’ve pretended. It’s what I do, Alexander.”
“Did you really think I’d let you?” His gaze bored into mine, filled with things that were unsafe for me to want.
“I didn’t know. We parted badly. For all I knew, you wanted to forget about it as much as I did.”
“Is that what you’ve been trying to do all these years?” When I remained silent, Alexander drawled, “How’s that been working for you?”
“Terribly,” I answered honestly, voice clipped and hinting at the anger simmering deep inside.
“That
And I still do.
I flushed, going hot and cold over how badly I needed all of Alexander. Why was I surprised? My body had already adjusted, probably happened as soon as I had heard he was coming back into my life.
Did I ever really think I could be in the same room with him and not need him? Alexander was my obsession, one I thought I could push off into the dank corners of my mind when I wanted to pretend I was normal.
A great big game of pretend which I played rather well.
Just like I pretended each man I went to bed with was him. Lights off, eyes closed, was enough impetus for my imagination to bring Alexander back to my bed.
No wonder those men never had a chance.
“It’s my turn for a question, Sophia.” Alexander’s hand swept my hair off my shoulder and rested his hand on my exposed neck. The sensation of being collared rose again. “What was it about me that you wanted to badly? I was an overachieving nerd. Hardly the type that pretty girls like you usually chase after.”
He had to be joking.
Alexander’s brilliance shone like the brightest star in a pitch-black sky. He inspired me to push myself, to become bright enough to share the same sky. He showed me that it was possible to be different, to rise above the mess of my tattered life and aim for the heavens.
How could I explain that to him? How could Alexander understand it without looking down on me in scorn for rearranging my whole world to finally being good enough for him?
Truth is I still didn’t think I was good enough. And that stuck in my craw more than I’d like to admit.
I stalled. “You were the smartest person in that town, but you were hardly a nerd. Overachieving—yes. Nerd—no.”
His chest rumbled. It sounded much like a purr. His fingers slid along the hollow of my throat. “You’re so sweet, Sophia. Sweet and wrong. Now answer the question.”
I took a deep breath and plunged off the cliff. Why try to keep hiding?
“You were everything I wanted to be. Just being in the same room with you made me feel like I could be something more than what I was, where I came from.”
“That’s adulation. Not love.”
I clenched my eyes shut for a moment. He didn’t understand so I tried again. “The heart wants what it wants, Alexander. It can’t be rationalized. All I know is I loved you when I didn’t even know how to love myself. That was the defining part of my dysfunction when it came to my feelings for you. I projected my lack of esteem on what appeared to be your overabundance in order to compensate.”
Alexander squeezed my throat once and then released it. His hand resumed its position on the back of my neck. “How much therapy did you have to pay for to recite that bit of babble?”
Humiliation burned my core. I wanted to lash out and cry all at once. The urge to bolt also pressed down almost as hard as his hand did. “You even knew about that.”
“Of course. I’ve kept track of you as soon as you turned on your utilities in Georgia. The more money I made, the more I learned. You were never far from my thoughts, little chick.”
“You could’ve picked up the phone and called instead.”
“Could I? No, I don’t think so. Even today you would’ve pretended like I didn’t exist if I didn’t force you to acknowledge me. Go ahead—try to deny it.”
I moved my head until my chin rested on his knee. I looked up at him and admitted, “You’re right. I would’ve pretended. It’s what I do, Alexander.”
“Did you really think I’d let you?” His gaze bored into mine, filled with things that were unsafe for me to want.
“I didn’t know. We parted badly. For all I knew, you wanted to forget about it as much as I did.”
“Is that what you’ve been trying to do all these years?” When I remained silent, Alexander drawled, “How’s that been working for you?”
“Terribly,” I answered honestly, voice clipped and hinting at the anger simmering deep inside.
“That
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