father bring werewolves with him to
my house. They fight.”
“Werewolves need a full moon, Xiaoming.”
“You know nothing. Why you so stupid? They just need moon
in sky. It there right now. You look up sometime, then you not say dumb
things.”
I could think of a lot of dumb things I wanted to say in
that moment, but I figured I should find out what happened to my dad first.
“Okay, Xiaoming, my dad came here looking for a comb…”
“Your father show me that envelope and said old man Mr.
Smith need comb to fight vampires.”
So my hunch was right. Mr. Smith was behind this latest
dust-up. I was going to have to get him a trophy to let him know he had made
the Top 10 on my shit list.
“So what did you tell him?” I asked.
“I tell him jade comb belong to Empress.”
Xiaoming glared at me over the table as if this was all the
information a person could possibly need to go find out why werewolves had
attacked in broad daylight and why dads disappeared.
“Dude, you’ve got to give me a little more to work on.”
Xiaoming shook his head like I was a disappointment to my
ancestors, which I probably was.
“How you not know about jade comb? You world walkers in
America are so stupid. You not even read your own history?”
“I sucked at reading, Xiaoming. It’s why I punch things.”
Xiaoming sat back and took a long drag off his cigarette,
settling in to tell what I was sure to be a fascinating tale.
“It brought to America by washer woman working on
railroad," he began, "With jade comb, you can jump cities. She get
comb in China, jump, jump, she is in San Francisco.”
This guy was ridiculous. What he was saying was
impossible.
"Xiaoming, I have been jumping dimensions since I was
old enough to wear a training bra. You can’t jump locations in the same
world.”
“You can with jade comb. Dimensions like hair of beautiful
concubine. Comb wraps worlds around its teeth and you can jump one teeth to
next teeth. Same world, threaded through comb.”
So, here’s how the whole dimension jumping thing works.
Imagine each dimension is a sheet of paper and you have a ream of it in your
hands. As a world walker, I’m like a hole puncher and can poke a hole in any
piece of paper and go up or down to the pages above or below. But you can’t
jump in the same dimension. You can walk (or drive or bus or whatever) from
one end of the paper to the next. But in order to jump in the same world,
you’d have to fold the whole ream of paper in half and bore holes through every
piece of paper to get to the other side of the one you’re on.
What Xiaoming was saying is that this comb could take a
single sheet and fold it like a fan. Then, you could punch through the fold
and get to a different spot on the same page. If this comb could do what he
said it could do... and the vampires got it first… I believe the proper phrase
is “a world of hurt”.
“Where was this comb last seen, Xiaoming?” I asked.
“I do not know. She hid it. But washerwoman work in
silver mining town called Calico. Her tub now is a place for stupid tourists
to stand next to and take dumb picture for online photo album.”
Two magical hair accessories in one week and it wasn’t even
prom. And it was all going down in Calico. Something was up.
“Wait, Xiaoming,” I said holding up my hands. “I was just
there. We picked up a brass comb…”
“Brass comb to make army. Jade comb to transport army. Quartz
comb to protect army from silver weapons…”
“THERE IS ANOTHER FUCKING COMB?!?!”
“…and necklace to control army.”
“Wait… necklace?”
“It is very stinky. It is made of brimstone. It smells
like gassy old man eating old eggs. It all supposed to make the Empress
invincible. She is not good woman. But washerwoman stole combs from her and
came to America to hide them. She hide in railroad camps, but Empress came after
her. So she went
my house. They fight.”
“Werewolves need a full moon, Xiaoming.”
“You know nothing. Why you so stupid? They just need moon
in sky. It there right now. You look up sometime, then you not say dumb
things.”
I could think of a lot of dumb things I wanted to say in
that moment, but I figured I should find out what happened to my dad first.
“Okay, Xiaoming, my dad came here looking for a comb…”
“Your father show me that envelope and said old man Mr.
Smith need comb to fight vampires.”
So my hunch was right. Mr. Smith was behind this latest
dust-up. I was going to have to get him a trophy to let him know he had made
the Top 10 on my shit list.
“So what did you tell him?” I asked.
“I tell him jade comb belong to Empress.”
Xiaoming glared at me over the table as if this was all the
information a person could possibly need to go find out why werewolves had
attacked in broad daylight and why dads disappeared.
“Dude, you’ve got to give me a little more to work on.”
Xiaoming shook his head like I was a disappointment to my
ancestors, which I probably was.
“How you not know about jade comb? You world walkers in
America are so stupid. You not even read your own history?”
“I sucked at reading, Xiaoming. It’s why I punch things.”
Xiaoming sat back and took a long drag off his cigarette,
settling in to tell what I was sure to be a fascinating tale.
“It brought to America by washer woman working on
railroad," he began, "With jade comb, you can jump cities. She get
comb in China, jump, jump, she is in San Francisco.”
This guy was ridiculous. What he was saying was
impossible.
"Xiaoming, I have been jumping dimensions since I was
old enough to wear a training bra. You can’t jump locations in the same
world.”
“You can with jade comb. Dimensions like hair of beautiful
concubine. Comb wraps worlds around its teeth and you can jump one teeth to
next teeth. Same world, threaded through comb.”
So, here’s how the whole dimension jumping thing works.
Imagine each dimension is a sheet of paper and you have a ream of it in your
hands. As a world walker, I’m like a hole puncher and can poke a hole in any
piece of paper and go up or down to the pages above or below. But you can’t
jump in the same dimension. You can walk (or drive or bus or whatever) from
one end of the paper to the next. But in order to jump in the same world,
you’d have to fold the whole ream of paper in half and bore holes through every
piece of paper to get to the other side of the one you’re on.
What Xiaoming was saying is that this comb could take a
single sheet and fold it like a fan. Then, you could punch through the fold
and get to a different spot on the same page. If this comb could do what he
said it could do... and the vampires got it first… I believe the proper phrase
is “a world of hurt”.
“Where was this comb last seen, Xiaoming?” I asked.
“I do not know. She hid it. But washerwoman work in
silver mining town called Calico. Her tub now is a place for stupid tourists
to stand next to and take dumb picture for online photo album.”
Two magical hair accessories in one week and it wasn’t even
prom. And it was all going down in Calico. Something was up.
“Wait, Xiaoming,” I said holding up my hands. “I was just
there. We picked up a brass comb…”
“Brass comb to make army. Jade comb to transport army. Quartz
comb to protect army from silver weapons…”
“THERE IS ANOTHER FUCKING COMB?!?!”
“…and necklace to control army.”
“Wait… necklace?”
“It is very stinky. It is made of brimstone. It smells
like gassy old man eating old eggs. It all supposed to make the Empress
invincible. She is not good woman. But washerwoman stole combs from her and
came to America to hide them. She hide in railroad camps, but Empress came after
her. So she went
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