Grandma was still breathing and she was still alive, but I didnât think this was enough. I was worried something wasnât right. I sat on my bed and wanted to wake her up, but for some reason didnât dare. You need to be tough because only when youâre tough does everything work out. Youâre not allowed to panic â oh boy, sheâs not breathing, or maybe you just canât see it âcause itâs dark â I donât know whatâs going on, but somehow sheâs not moving anymore. Thatâs it, here we go, Iâm going to scream , but Iâm not allowed to scream. If I scream, Mom wonât come back from Ljubljana, and Iâll be left on my own before I grow up, but thatâs not allowed because children arenât allowed to be left alone, just like theyâre not allowed to kill ants, and theyâre not allowed to cross the street without looking left and right. Theyâre not allowed to scream, thatâs panicking, and I donât get panicky, the kid never panics , my mom tells her work colleagues, and when she says it, sheâs all aglow, my mom whoâs in Ljubljana at the moment. The kid never panics is the nicest thing she ever says about me and if I scream now sheâll never say it again, and Iâll just be a regular kid, a kid you canât say anything about, and Iâll spoil that story from Dubrovnik from when I was two and a half when Nano lost me at the Pile Gate and I calmly made my way to Auntie Lolaâs place, the length of theCorso and around behind St. Blaiseâs. Iâd knocked on the door and Grandpa had opened it and asked whereâs Nano? And I said Nano got lost and quickly got it in that it wasnât my fault he got lost. They were all proud of me then, and Mom said the kid never panics for the first time, and when we got back from Sarajevo she told Dad how Nano got lost, and then Dad said my big boy and thatâs how the legend began, the one they still tell to this very night when Iâd rather howl, but Iâm not allowed, or this whole world made up of Mom in Ljubljana and Grandma whoâs not breathing in the dark will be destroyed, just like I destroy Queen Forgetfulâs castle when Iâm bored.
That time in Dubrovnik I did something bad. I didnât burst out crying in the middle of the Pile Gate like other children, and I didnât because I was scared of crying in front of so many strangers and I was ashamed about being left alone. Others would have cried and they wouldnât have been scared or ashamed. Being scared and ashamed is no good and itâs better to burst out crying. Itâs definitely braver. I couldnât because Iâm a coward and thatâs why I went to Auntie Lolaâs and gave it my all to remember the way, even though Iâd always walked it with someone else. But I remembered. It was the longest journey I ever made in my life. When Iâm a thousand years old like an old king, even then Iâll never go on such a long journey because when youâre two and a half there isnât a longer journey than the one from the Pile Gate to St. Blaiseâs.
You know, Iâd never even thought about it before. I liked them thinking I was a kid who never panics, but the truth is I really am a scaredypants and I get ashamed, and when this happens I make journeys that kids who cry in front of a crowd of strangers would never make. But my mom doesnât cry either and she isnât that big. Sheâs smaller than Grandma, Grandpa, and Dad, and she gets ashamed and is always scared of this or that. She takes her fears out on all of us, on me most of all, and we all love her when sheâs ashamed. Shame is something worse than fear, but itâs nice to watch. Mom would have found her way home like me if Nano had lost her at the Pile Gate, she would have found her way back no matter how far it was, I know that for sure because you can spot fear and
That time in Dubrovnik I did something bad. I didnât burst out crying in the middle of the Pile Gate like other children, and I didnât because I was scared of crying in front of so many strangers and I was ashamed about being left alone. Others would have cried and they wouldnât have been scared or ashamed. Being scared and ashamed is no good and itâs better to burst out crying. Itâs definitely braver. I couldnât because Iâm a coward and thatâs why I went to Auntie Lolaâs and gave it my all to remember the way, even though Iâd always walked it with someone else. But I remembered. It was the longest journey I ever made in my life. When Iâm a thousand years old like an old king, even then Iâll never go on such a long journey because when youâre two and a half there isnât a longer journey than the one from the Pile Gate to St. Blaiseâs.
You know, Iâd never even thought about it before. I liked them thinking I was a kid who never panics, but the truth is I really am a scaredypants and I get ashamed, and when this happens I make journeys that kids who cry in front of a crowd of strangers would never make. But my mom doesnât cry either and she isnât that big. Sheâs smaller than Grandma, Grandpa, and Dad, and she gets ashamed and is always scared of this or that. She takes her fears out on all of us, on me most of all, and we all love her when sheâs ashamed. Shame is something worse than fear, but itâs nice to watch. Mom would have found her way home like me if Nano had lost her at the Pile Gate, she would have found her way back no matter how far it was, I know that for sure because you can spot fear and
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