Merry Random Christmas by Julia Kent

well do wanna know every detail about the events leading up to it, Trevor Connor!” Mama bellowed.
    Trevor looked at the phone like it had morphed into a dragon.
    “ Hi, Cathy,” he said awkwardly, waving at the glass display like Mama could see him.  
    “Hi there yourself, and Merry Christmas to you!” Mama said pleasantly. “Christ is risen!”
    “That’s Easter, Mama.”
    “Well, I had me a few too many eggnogs waiting here for Calvin to come home so I can give him some holiday cheer in bed, if you know what I mean,” she said with a snicker. “I been a naughty girl, so Santa’s gonna slip me some coal in my pink stocking, if you know what I mean.”
    I knew what she meant.
    Gag.
    “Is your mother drunk?” Trevor whispered in my ear, making me shiver.
    “Sounds like it.” My stomach lurched.
    “Finish up the story, Trevor! You were eating fish,” she said with a snort. “And—”
    D id Mama just make a dirty joke?
    “Sam and Liam got food poisoning from the sushi restaurant I suggested. They had a one-time gig tonight. The job paid them each a thousand bucks plus tips,” Trevor explained.
    Mama let out a low whistle. “You g uys make that much to play your music?”
    “No, Cathy,” Trevor said, correcting her. “That was the fee for being strippers at a Christmas Eve party.”
    The phone went silent.
    Then Mama cleared her throat and said. “Strippers? Darla’s a stripper ?”
    “No, no, Mama. I’m not a stripper. Trevor and Joe were the ones stripping.”
    “Dangling your weenies in front of a bunch of women for a thousand bucks?” Mama sounded scandalized.
    “Weenies?” Trevor said. “Who the fuck calls it a ‘weenie’?”
    “So what the hell do Trevor and Joe taking their clothes off for money have to do with you blowing Santa Claus and landing in jail, Darla?” Mama asked.
    “We had to fill in for Sam and Liam. And we completely forgot to text Darla and tell her.” He squeezed my shoulder. “Sorry. And the owner of the entertainment service made us turn off our phones, so we never got Darla’s text message s .”
    “This is the stupidest story I ever heard,” Mama intoned.
    “Pretty much,” I said with a sigh.
    “And I was behind the vegan restaurant, giving away a sleeping bag to a Santa, when I climbed into the dumpster to help grab his chicken, and some cops found us.”
    “You were touching Santa’s cock,” Mama said. “That’s pretty strong evidence.”
    “I—what?”
    T revor started trembling with laughter. I sucker punched him in the gut. He made a satisfyingly choked sound, followed by a wheeze. I needed to punch something. He fit the bill.  
    “Meanwhile, Tortilla had opened up his pants and had his weenie out when I popped my head up—”
    “Quit calling it a weenie!” Trevor gasped.
    “And was offering me a five dollar gas card for giving him a BJ. Cops saw only that moment, and BAM! I didn’t have any ID on me, so I got brought in and charged with prostitution.”
    Silence.
    “That’s it?” Mama screeched into the phone. Geez, she really sounded like Josie. “That’s the whole tale?”
    “Yes’m.”
    “ That is the most ridiculous arrest story I have ever heard, Darla, and my sister is Marlene, so I’ve heard quite a few.”  
    “Sorry to disappoint you, Mama.”
    Her long sigh felt like the world was deflating.
    “How you gonna get yourself outta this mess?”
    “Same way I always do. With my mouth.”
    “I think your mouth got you into this mess. Why were you talking to a tortilla’s cock?”
    “Tortilla is the name of the homeless dude dressed up as Santa.”
    “That don’t make sense, either.”
    “Mama, none of the story makes sense! I get it! It’s stupid! T hat’s kind of the point. I feel like weird crap happens to me, like I’m a lightning rod that attracts weirdos instead of electricity.”
    “Hey!” T revor said, pretending to be offended. The streetlight cast a shadow over his face, but those eyes were