and set Emily on fire and Emily freaked out and knocked over the graduation cake and Neil thenude kid almost got trampled by a goat that escaped from the petting zoo and the fire department came and sprayed water on everybody and Andrea’s mom and Ryan’s mom started wrestling each other and my teacher Miss Daisy fainted and we thought the school security guard was kissing her even though he was just giving her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and then we found out that Miss Daisy fainted because she was pregnant.
You should have been there!
But I’m sure nothing like that could possibly happen this time.
3
Nice and Calm
When I came into the school on Tuesday morning, I saw the strangest thing in the history of the world: four grown-ups sitting in chairs playing violins! * And they were all dressed up in black suits and dresses! Mrs. Jafee was watching them.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
“Mr. Klutz told me he wants everything to be nice and calm while he’s away,” said Mrs. Jafee. “So I hired a string quartet. Studies show that children can relax and learn better when they listen to soothing music.”
“I think we would learn better if we ate lots of ice cream, cookies, cake, and candy,” I said.
“Hmmmmm,” said Mrs. Jafee.
Grown-ups always say “Hmmmmm” when they’re thinking. Nobody knows why.
That’s when Little Miss Brownnoser waltzed into the hallway.
“Oh, I just love classical music,” Andreaannounced (as if anybody asked her). That’s Violin Concerto number 5, by Mozart. I learned about it in the music appreciation class I take after school.”
Andrea takes classes in everything after school. If they gave a class in picking lint out of your belly button, Andrea would take that class so she could get better at it. Why can’t a truck full of violins fall on her head?
The hall was filling up with kids and teachers listening to the boring music.
“Man, that’s the fattest violin in the history of the world,” I said. “That lady can’t even hold it up.”
“It’s a cello , dumbhead!” Andrea said, rolling her eyes.
“Oh, snap!” said Ryan.
“Well, it looks like a violin that needs to go on a diet, if you ask me,” I said.
Everybody clapped after the boringsong was over. Then the musicians started playing some other boring song.
“Can you feel the tension oozing out of your pores?” Mrs. Jafee said, taking a deep breath. “I learned in graduate school that listening to classical music increases the flow of blood to your brain.”
“Ugh, disgusting!” I said. “I don’t want blood flowing to my brain.”
“Arlo,” Andrea said, “if blood didn’t flow to your brain, you would die.”
I was going to say something mean to Andrea, but I realized that Mrs. Jafee had just said the most amazing thing in the history of the world.
“Wait a minute,” I said to her. “Did you just say you went to graduate school ?”
“You betcha!” she said. “After I finished college, I went to graduate school so I could learn more.”
I slapped my forehead. Was she out of her mind? Why would anybody want to go to school after they graduated from school? What is Mrs. Jafee’s problem?
“After I graduate,” I told her, “I’m not going anywhere near a school.”
“Well, I spent four years in graduate school studying how children learn,” Mrs. Jafee told me. “I’m looking forward to trying some of those new and exciting ideas right here at Ella Mentry School this week. We’re going to think outside the box.”
Huh? Why would anyone be thinkingin a box to begin with? If I was in a box, I know what I would be thinking about: how to get out of that dumb box! Mrs. Jafee was weird. If she was really a learning expert, she would have learned that after you graduate, you don’t have to go to school anymore.
“The music is soooooooo beautiful!” Andrea said. “Don’t you think so, Arlo?”
“Yeah, just the opposite of your face,” I said.
I wanted to say
You should have been there!
But I’m sure nothing like that could possibly happen this time.
3
Nice and Calm
When I came into the school on Tuesday morning, I saw the strangest thing in the history of the world: four grown-ups sitting in chairs playing violins! * And they were all dressed up in black suits and dresses! Mrs. Jafee was watching them.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
“Mr. Klutz told me he wants everything to be nice and calm while he’s away,” said Mrs. Jafee. “So I hired a string quartet. Studies show that children can relax and learn better when they listen to soothing music.”
“I think we would learn better if we ate lots of ice cream, cookies, cake, and candy,” I said.
“Hmmmmm,” said Mrs. Jafee.
Grown-ups always say “Hmmmmm” when they’re thinking. Nobody knows why.
That’s when Little Miss Brownnoser waltzed into the hallway.
“Oh, I just love classical music,” Andreaannounced (as if anybody asked her). That’s Violin Concerto number 5, by Mozart. I learned about it in the music appreciation class I take after school.”
Andrea takes classes in everything after school. If they gave a class in picking lint out of your belly button, Andrea would take that class so she could get better at it. Why can’t a truck full of violins fall on her head?
The hall was filling up with kids and teachers listening to the boring music.
“Man, that’s the fattest violin in the history of the world,” I said. “That lady can’t even hold it up.”
“It’s a cello , dumbhead!” Andrea said, rolling her eyes.
“Oh, snap!” said Ryan.
“Well, it looks like a violin that needs to go on a diet, if you ask me,” I said.
Everybody clapped after the boringsong was over. Then the musicians started playing some other boring song.
“Can you feel the tension oozing out of your pores?” Mrs. Jafee said, taking a deep breath. “I learned in graduate school that listening to classical music increases the flow of blood to your brain.”
“Ugh, disgusting!” I said. “I don’t want blood flowing to my brain.”
“Arlo,” Andrea said, “if blood didn’t flow to your brain, you would die.”
I was going to say something mean to Andrea, but I realized that Mrs. Jafee had just said the most amazing thing in the history of the world.
“Wait a minute,” I said to her. “Did you just say you went to graduate school ?”
“You betcha!” she said. “After I finished college, I went to graduate school so I could learn more.”
I slapped my forehead. Was she out of her mind? Why would anybody want to go to school after they graduated from school? What is Mrs. Jafee’s problem?
“After I graduate,” I told her, “I’m not going anywhere near a school.”
“Well, I spent four years in graduate school studying how children learn,” Mrs. Jafee told me. “I’m looking forward to trying some of those new and exciting ideas right here at Ella Mentry School this week. We’re going to think outside the box.”
Huh? Why would anyone be thinkingin a box to begin with? If I was in a box, I know what I would be thinking about: how to get out of that dumb box! Mrs. Jafee was weird. If she was really a learning expert, she would have learned that after you graduate, you don’t have to go to school anymore.
“The music is soooooooo beautiful!” Andrea said. “Don’t you think so, Arlo?”
“Yeah, just the opposite of your face,” I said.
I wanted to say
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