Neighbours by Colin Thompson

see him.
    â€˜Wait there,’ said Satanella and scampered off down the hall.
    â€˜Forty-Two, you still there?’
    â€˜Yes, Sarge.’
    â€˜A dog just spoke to me. It actually said proper words and –’
    â€˜Well, well, that’s nice,’ said Forty-Two into the car radio while he reached for his mobile phone. He wondered how long it would take for an ambulance and a doctor with a powerful sedative and a straightjacket to arrive.
    â€˜Good afternoon,’ said Mordonna, appearing from nowhere. ‘What can we do for you?’
    Sergeant LeDouche was captivated. Mordonna had deliberately left her sunglasses off and it’s a well-known fact that anyone who looks into her eyes falls hopelessly head over heels in love with her. Nerlin did it several times a day.
    â€˜I um, er, um,’ the sergeant stammered, and followed Mordonna into the kitchen like a devoted puppy.
    â€˜Sit down and tell me what the problem is,’ said Mordonna.
    â€˜Well, my wife doesn’t understand me, my Vicki’s doing badly at school and I’ve started to go bald,’ the sergeant began. 19
    â€˜No, no. I mean, why are you here?’
    â€˜Oh, that is so true. Why am I here?’ said the sergeant. ‘Why is any of us here? What does it all mean ?’
    â€˜No, why have you come to my house?’ said Mordonna.
    â€˜Shoes,’ the sergeant replied. ‘Red shoes.’
    â€˜These shoes?’ said Mordonna, holding up the high heels.
    â€˜Tracylene’s shoes.’
    â€˜Yes, that nasty little girl.’ Mordonna’s eyes narrowed as she spoke. She put her sunglasses on and released the policeman from her enchanting powers.
    â€˜My mother enjoyed her very much,’ she added.
    â€˜Your mother?’ said LeDouche.
    â€˜Yes, my mother. She’s buried in the back garden. Do you want to meet her?’
    â€˜Meet her? Buried … she’s dead ?’
    â€˜Of course she’s dead,’ said Mordonna. ‘You don’t bury people when they’re alive, do you?’ 20
    â€˜Yeah but, no but – excuse me a minute. I have to talk to my partner.’ Switching on his walkie-talkie, the sergeant hurried out into the hall.
    â€˜Forty-Two, are you there?’
    â€˜Er, yes,’ Forty-Two replied cautiously. The ambulance was still ten minutes away so he had to play for time.
    â€˜I need a team of officers with shovels,’ LeDouche told him.
    â€˜Of course you do,’ said Forty-Two slowly.
    â€˜I think the girl’s buried in the back garden and I believe they might have buried an old lady there too, while she was still alive,’ said the sergeant.
    â€˜Okay. Excellent. Well done, Sarge,’ said Forty-Two. ‘There aren’t any more talking animals or gates, are there?’
    â€˜No, no. Just phone for back-up, like I told you,’ LeDouche ordered.
    â€˜No worries, Sarge. I’ve done that already. They should be here in a few minutes. You just play for time.’
    â€˜Okay, that’s sorted out then,’ said the sergeant, walking back into the Floods’ kitchen. ‘Any chance of a cup of tea?’
    â€˜Tea? Tea? I don’t think we’ve got any tea,’ Mordonna replied. ‘Got a nice drop of chilled bat’s blood.’
    â€˜No, that’s fine. I’ll just have a glass of water.’
    â€˜Okay. Have a nice glass of chilled water fromour lovely new fridge,’ said Mordonna. ‘Would you like a frog’s eye in it?’
    â€˜No, it’s all right. I’m not actually that thirsty,’ said the sergeant. ‘Maybe we could have a look in the back garden.’
    â€˜Yes, of course. I was telling Mother about you while you were on the phone just then. Follow me.’
    They walked outside and there, as Mordonna had said, was a grave, right in the middle of the lawn next to the clothesline.
    â€˜This is the policeman I was telling you about,