Never Satisfied: Do Men Know What They Want? by MICHAEL BAISDEN Page B
Authors: MICHAEL BAISDEN
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out of my house. The worst mistake I ever made was feeding her on the first date. Let this be a warning to men everywhere, don’t ever let a woman find out you know how to cook. She’ll be at your house so often you’ll have to list her on your taxes as a dependent. And chances are she’ll come over empty handed and hungry each and every time.
Trying to understand the way I feel is pointless for any woman. Only another man who has been where I’m at can relate. They know as I do that it’s not about being cold-hearted and insensitive. It’s about having your space. Believe it or not I’d like to put aside these games long enough to really get to know someone, but women are very deceiving. For example, the woman I mentioned earlier was attractive, intelligent, and open minded. And to be honest with you, a damn good prospect for marriage. But two weeks into the relationship, I saw the signs of the real person. As Chris Rock said in his stand up, “You don’t meet the person, you meet their representative.” She stopped putting herself together before she came over to visit. Her energy was bad when she answered the phone. And her hygiene was not what you would expect of a classy woman. I’m not saying she was dirty, but a woman should never let a man know she took a dump in his bathroom; that’s a complete turn off. I was like damn, did something crawl up in you and die.
Once I realize I’m dating “The Representative,” intimate sex turns into target practice. After the sex is over I start wishing she would get the hell out of my bed so I could stretch out the way I really wanted to. All too often, the highlight of our date was hearing the door close behind her as she was leaving.
Honey, I’m Home!
The idea that men actually have these cynical feelings will surely cause many women to shake their heads in disgust and disbelief. At this very moment, you’re probably asking, “Do men spend every waking moment plotting ways to fool around? Are men really this cold-hearted and calculating?” And more importantly, “Where do I fit into these schemes of Escaping?” Before you try answering these questions, there is one last trick of the trade. For his final feat, the cheating man of steel will leap over his wife or girlfriend in a single bound and stop a pair of speeding panties with his bare teeth. In other words, he’ll try to sneak back into the house, take off his clothes, and slide quietly between the sheets without being detected. Sounds easy, right? I don’t think so. It’s not a simple matter of walking through the front door and announcing, “Honey, I’m home!”
NIGHT COURT
A s the cheating man returns home from his night of mischief, he is consciously aware of the inevitable trial, which will ensue the moment he sets foot through the front door. The wife or girlfriend, who should be asleep, will be waiting with a gavel and magnifying glass in hand. His humble abode will be transformed into Perry Mason’s courtroom, and the case of the cheating man will be in session. In this court of law, the defendant is guilty until proven innocent, and the prosecutor serves as both judge and jury. He’s in a no win situation!
The trial begins with a subtle inspection for any apparent physical evidence of his unfaithfulness, lipstick on the collar, the smell of a woman’s perfume, and the dead giveaway guilt-ridden look on his face. If she is unable to prove that he has been up to no good based on these obvious signs, she will then build her case on circumstantial evidence. His coming late from work, hurrying to get to the bathroom, and most incriminating of them all, his inability to “get it up” in the bedroom. Cheating men often make the mistake of climaxing with the other woman and then coming home empty and expect the wife or girlfriend not to notice. Carol, who has been involved with two married men, confessed that it’s no accident. “I make sure he cums before he
Trying to understand the way I feel is pointless for any woman. Only another man who has been where I’m at can relate. They know as I do that it’s not about being cold-hearted and insensitive. It’s about having your space. Believe it or not I’d like to put aside these games long enough to really get to know someone, but women are very deceiving. For example, the woman I mentioned earlier was attractive, intelligent, and open minded. And to be honest with you, a damn good prospect for marriage. But two weeks into the relationship, I saw the signs of the real person. As Chris Rock said in his stand up, “You don’t meet the person, you meet their representative.” She stopped putting herself together before she came over to visit. Her energy was bad when she answered the phone. And her hygiene was not what you would expect of a classy woman. I’m not saying she was dirty, but a woman should never let a man know she took a dump in his bathroom; that’s a complete turn off. I was like damn, did something crawl up in you and die.
Once I realize I’m dating “The Representative,” intimate sex turns into target practice. After the sex is over I start wishing she would get the hell out of my bed so I could stretch out the way I really wanted to. All too often, the highlight of our date was hearing the door close behind her as she was leaving.
Honey, I’m Home!
The idea that men actually have these cynical feelings will surely cause many women to shake their heads in disgust and disbelief. At this very moment, you’re probably asking, “Do men spend every waking moment plotting ways to fool around? Are men really this cold-hearted and calculating?” And more importantly, “Where do I fit into these schemes of Escaping?” Before you try answering these questions, there is one last trick of the trade. For his final feat, the cheating man of steel will leap over his wife or girlfriend in a single bound and stop a pair of speeding panties with his bare teeth. In other words, he’ll try to sneak back into the house, take off his clothes, and slide quietly between the sheets without being detected. Sounds easy, right? I don’t think so. It’s not a simple matter of walking through the front door and announcing, “Honey, I’m home!”
NIGHT COURT
A s the cheating man returns home from his night of mischief, he is consciously aware of the inevitable trial, which will ensue the moment he sets foot through the front door. The wife or girlfriend, who should be asleep, will be waiting with a gavel and magnifying glass in hand. His humble abode will be transformed into Perry Mason’s courtroom, and the case of the cheating man will be in session. In this court of law, the defendant is guilty until proven innocent, and the prosecutor serves as both judge and jury. He’s in a no win situation!
The trial begins with a subtle inspection for any apparent physical evidence of his unfaithfulness, lipstick on the collar, the smell of a woman’s perfume, and the dead giveaway guilt-ridden look on his face. If she is unable to prove that he has been up to no good based on these obvious signs, she will then build her case on circumstantial evidence. His coming late from work, hurrying to get to the bathroom, and most incriminating of them all, his inability to “get it up” in the bedroom. Cheating men often make the mistake of climaxing with the other woman and then coming home empty and expect the wife or girlfriend not to notice. Carol, who has been involved with two married men, confessed that it’s no accident. “I make sure he cums before he
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