Not Another Soldier by Samantha Holt Page B

to worry about them the next
morning.
    I run a hand through my mussed hair, grimacing as my
fingers meet knots. Knots created by our lovemaking. Is he still here? Surely
he hasn’t spent the whole day waiting for me to wake? But he must be if the
smell of coffee is anything to go by.
    Drawing the sheets away, I eye my naked breasts. Red marks
mar them, evidence of our desperation. My heart drops. I can’t believe I let
that happen. It was amazing. I squeeze my eyes shut again as my body clenches
in remembrance. More than amazing.
    But still a mistake.
    I can’t be with a soldier ever again and I’ve probably
ruined the most important friendship in my life. How can I look at him the same
when I know what it feels like—my cheeks enflame—to have him inside me? How can
I control myself now I can say exactly what he looks like naked? When he wears
those T-shirts, I’ll be able to recall how firm and muscled his chest is. I’ll
remember the taste of his skin and the noises he made when I kissed his nipples
and stroked his shaft.
    Eyes snapping open, I run my hands through my hair
again and slide out of bed. I dig out my scruffiest PJs and throw them on. My
vanity wants me to look great but I don’t think it’s a good idea right now. If
he feels even half of what I feel, then I do not need him being the faintest
bit attracted to me when I tell him it won’t happen again.
    But then maybe he won’t want it to. Maybe it was a one
off. I bite the inside of my cheek as I turn to check my appearance in the full
length mirror on my wall. Will we be able to return to normal though? I need
Nick’s friendship so much at the moment. I hate to admit it but I’m still
finding my feet. He’s the only constant thing in my life.
    I pull the door open and peer out. He’s sitting in my
kitchen, in the same clothes as this morning. He glances up and flashes me a
grin. My stomach curdles. I’m not sure if I can do it.
    I sidle in, hands clenched at my sides. He looks so at
home in my apartment. He has a cup of coffee in his hands and a newspaper
resting on the marbled breakfast bar.  This is what it would be like, I
realize, to live with Nick. I like it far too much.
    No, this isn’t what it would be like, I remind myself.
This is not what life with a soldier is normally like.
    “Hey, I didn’t know what time you got up when you were
on nights and you looked so peaceful, I couldn’t bring myself to wake you.”
    I lift my shoulder in a half shrug. “S’okay.”
    “I have coffee.” He gets up and pours me a cup,
remembering to add milk and sugar just how I like it, and then slides it over
to me.
    I cup both hands around it and suck in the aroma as if
it will somehow bring me to my senses. This man has the ability to turn me into
a jibbering, inarticulate mess. “H-have you been here all day?”
    “No. I went out for a little. Picked you up some
groceries.” He gives me a stern look but I can see the amusement in his eyes.
“You don’t have much to feed a hungry guy in your fridge.”
    “Sorry,” I mutter after taking a sip of my coffee. “I
don’t really make a habit of having guys over.”
    His jaw tenses briefly, the amusement leaving his face
and then it’s back again. If everyone smiled as readily as Nick, the world
would be a much better place.
    “Well now you’ve got plenty of supplies.”
    So there’s my opening. I get what he’s saying, what
he’s hinting at. I don’t know if he just wants us to be fuck buddies or
boyfriend and girlfriend or something more serious but I don’t—I can’t —want
any of it.
    I place my coffee down and trace the marbled patterns
on the counter top with a finger. I can’t bring myself to meet his gaze. “Look,
Nick, about…”
    He leans across the counter and grabs my hand. “I know
things got a little crazed there, Sienna, and you’re only just finding your
feet after… Rob. But we’ve been working on this attraction for some time.
You’re clever, you know