I wanna see if I can make a connection. Just so I know she’s okay.”
Ballanoff shifted around in his seat.
“Know any good mediums?” I joked, babbling on. “I got a card from this lady at the bookstore in town. That newagey place right next to Nature Mart? She gave me the card of her friend.” I paused a second and when Ballanoff didn’t say anything, I said, “You think I’m crazy.”
“I don’t think you’re crazy at all.”
And then we stared at each other for a minute, which kind of freaked me out but I think Ballanoff just got really sad, suddenly. “You look so much like her,” he said. Everyone says that. All the time people say that and I know it should make me feel really great but all it ever truly does is turn my gut. Same hair, same skin, same violin dimples on the small of my back. And if I look like her, who’s to say I won’t die like her?
“Heard it before. Dead ringer,” I said, rolling a split lock of tangled hair between two fingers.
Chapter 13
Paul and I had figured out a system for seeing each other. Mainly school nights, after midnight. After Jeff and Nils and Saskia were asleep, he’d drive over and tap my window and I’d run down the hall and open the front door and then he’d crawl into bed with me.
“Ballanoff and my mom kissed once, when they were, like, seventeen.” I slid my arm across Paul’s waist.
“Shut up.”
“It’s true,” I whispered. “He told me today. After class.”
“Doesn’t that creep you out?”
“I think it’s nice. I like thinking about my mom when she was my age … like, I like the idea of her doing things before she was my mom or Jeff’s wife. You know?”
Paul nodded and put a hand on my head. “Why do you call Jeff Jeff?”
“Sometimes I call him Dad to his face. But I dunno, when I was little I just thought it was really funny, calling Dad, “Jeff.” I think I wanted to be grown up already. And it seemed like a very grown-up thing to do.”
He moved his hand from my head, sliding it down so he was holding my hair. “What did you call your mom?”
I bent my head back so I could look at him. “Just Mom.”
He laughed.
“Why’s that funny?” I bit his shoulder and wrapped my leg around him under the covers. “I kinda can’t wait for you to meet him.”
“Who?”
“Jeff. Duh.” I pressed my nose to his armpit. He smelled like a muted mix of Right Guard and BO.
“Holly,” he said, getting up on his elbows to face me. “I can’t meet Jeff.”
“Why not?”
“Well, what’re you gonna say, ‘This is my friend Paul, he’s not my boyfriend but we sleep together sometimes. Oh, also, he’s got a girlfriend.’”
“Well, I wouldn’t have to say any of that. I could just say you’re my friend. That’s the truth.”
“Yeah but, what if he knows Saskia’s parents or something?”
“Saskia’s parents? He doesn’t.”
“You can’t know that for sure. What if he does?”
I sat up. “So you’re never gonna meet my dad? What about Nils? You know he’s already started asking questions and I don’t know how much longer I can hide this from him—”
“What do you mean, he’s asking questions?”
“Well, you know, I think he’s noticed how happy I am.”
“If you tell anyone about us, I swear to god, Holly—”
“You swear to god
what
?” I pulled on the sheet, hiking it up under my arms the way naked women sometimes do on daytime soaps.
“I’m just saying, no one can know. They just—they
can’t
.” He lowered his voice a notch. “Saskia would die if she knew. We can’t ever tell anyone.”
“Well, what if you guys break up? We can’t be together then? Like out in the open, for real?”
He softened. “If we break up, yeah, I guess then we can talk. But you can’t tell anyone, Holly. You can’t. No one can ever know about this,
Ballanoff shifted around in his seat.
“Know any good mediums?” I joked, babbling on. “I got a card from this lady at the bookstore in town. That newagey place right next to Nature Mart? She gave me the card of her friend.” I paused a second and when Ballanoff didn’t say anything, I said, “You think I’m crazy.”
“I don’t think you’re crazy at all.”
And then we stared at each other for a minute, which kind of freaked me out but I think Ballanoff just got really sad, suddenly. “You look so much like her,” he said. Everyone says that. All the time people say that and I know it should make me feel really great but all it ever truly does is turn my gut. Same hair, same skin, same violin dimples on the small of my back. And if I look like her, who’s to say I won’t die like her?
“Heard it before. Dead ringer,” I said, rolling a split lock of tangled hair between two fingers.
Chapter 13
Paul and I had figured out a system for seeing each other. Mainly school nights, after midnight. After Jeff and Nils and Saskia were asleep, he’d drive over and tap my window and I’d run down the hall and open the front door and then he’d crawl into bed with me.
“Ballanoff and my mom kissed once, when they were, like, seventeen.” I slid my arm across Paul’s waist.
“Shut up.”
“It’s true,” I whispered. “He told me today. After class.”
“Doesn’t that creep you out?”
“I think it’s nice. I like thinking about my mom when she was my age … like, I like the idea of her doing things before she was my mom or Jeff’s wife. You know?”
Paul nodded and put a hand on my head. “Why do you call Jeff Jeff?”
“Sometimes I call him Dad to his face. But I dunno, when I was little I just thought it was really funny, calling Dad, “Jeff.” I think I wanted to be grown up already. And it seemed like a very grown-up thing to do.”
He moved his hand from my head, sliding it down so he was holding my hair. “What did you call your mom?”
I bent my head back so I could look at him. “Just Mom.”
He laughed.
“Why’s that funny?” I bit his shoulder and wrapped my leg around him under the covers. “I kinda can’t wait for you to meet him.”
“Who?”
“Jeff. Duh.” I pressed my nose to his armpit. He smelled like a muted mix of Right Guard and BO.
“Holly,” he said, getting up on his elbows to face me. “I can’t meet Jeff.”
“Why not?”
“Well, what’re you gonna say, ‘This is my friend Paul, he’s not my boyfriend but we sleep together sometimes. Oh, also, he’s got a girlfriend.’”
“Well, I wouldn’t have to say any of that. I could just say you’re my friend. That’s the truth.”
“Yeah but, what if he knows Saskia’s parents or something?”
“Saskia’s parents? He doesn’t.”
“You can’t know that for sure. What if he does?”
I sat up. “So you’re never gonna meet my dad? What about Nils? You know he’s already started asking questions and I don’t know how much longer I can hide this from him—”
“What do you mean, he’s asking questions?”
“Well, you know, I think he’s noticed how happy I am.”
“If you tell anyone about us, I swear to god, Holly—”
“You swear to god
what
?” I pulled on the sheet, hiking it up under my arms the way naked women sometimes do on daytime soaps.
“I’m just saying, no one can know. They just—they
can’t
.” He lowered his voice a notch. “Saskia would die if she knew. We can’t ever tell anyone.”
“Well, what if you guys break up? We can’t be together then? Like out in the open, for real?”
He softened. “If we break up, yeah, I guess then we can talk. But you can’t tell anyone, Holly. You can’t. No one can ever know about this,
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