a cold, intensely private part of his mind he agreed with her. He thought a plague, or a nuclear disaster, might be necessary to cleanse the planet of human corruption, but he never put it into words. Occasionally he imagined, half seriously, writing a blockbuster, contradicting everything else he’d ever said publicly, a ‘You deserve your doom’ sort of book with raised gold lettering on the cover and a mushroom cloud in the background. He had even begun collecting newspaper articles and keeping them in a folder which he labelled sardonically: ‘Man’s inhumanity to man’. Later, doodling in a frivolous mood, he’d changed it to ‘People’s inhumanity to people’, so as not to be accused of sexism.
Back in his room, putting off ringing the motel, he wondered where he’d put those old folders. Some of that material would be useful in his classes. He’d been fixated on it for a while, drawn in to Carly’s world, having serious doubts about his own philosophical and political stance. It was a long time, he thought now, since he’d been fixated on anything except himself and his paltry personal failures. And secrets. The lies he told to keep his secrets. He lifted the phone and punched in the numbers of the nearest motel, wondering again what Diana’s surprise might be.
The y cam e agai n las t nigh t, bu t it’ s to o soo n; onl y a fe w week s sinc e th e las t tim e.I hav e t o ignor e the m. Fortunatel y I’v e go t th e sleepin g pill s— no t eve n th e demon s ca n penetrat e tha t com a, thoug h i t leave s m e grogg y i n th e morning s. I t mean s th e spee d agai n fo r a whil e, jus t a judiciou s snor t befor e I fac e th e worl d. Bu t I don’ t lik e i t;I don’ t completel y trus t m y judgemen t thes e day s eve n whe n I’ m straigh t .
Yo u use d t o sugges t tha t th e demon s wer e m y parent s. Yo u sai d tha t perhap s i t wa s a rea l burie d memor y strugglin g t o surfac e,a nigh t whe n I’ d woke n an d the y wer e ther e, i n th e shadow s a t th e edge s o f m y roo m, watchin g m e. Tha t I’ d realise d the y mean t m e har m an d suppresse d th e knowledg e. Somethin g tha t happene d befor e I forme d th e powe r o f speec h tha t I coul d neve r properl y realis e becaus e I couldn’ t articulat e i t. Perhap s yo u wer e righ t. It’ s no t har d t o giv e the m th e shap e o f th e demon s, hu t m y impressio n i s tha t ther e ar e mor e tha n tw o o f the m;I can’ t imagin e my fathe r welcomin g other s t o shar e hi s hobbie s. An d m y mothe r neve r indicate d wha t sh e kne w t o anyon e .
The y neve r invite d anyon e els e t o shar e anythin g. I t seem s impossibl e, bu t i n m y memor y I didn’ t mee t anothe r adul t unti l I wen t t o schoo l.I hav e a fain t memor y o f a littl e bo y i n short s, dow n b y th e cree k, bu t I don’ t kno w wh o h e coul d hav e bee n. A s fa r a s I kne w ther e wer e n o relative s, an d w e live d mile s fro m th e neares t neighbour s .
I suppos e ther e aren’ t man y place s lik e tha t lef t no w, a s isolate d a s w e wer e. M y fathe r worke d th e far m b y himsel f, wit h m y mothe r an d m e helpin g wher e w e coul d, an d ever y fe w week s h e woul d g o of f int o th e townshi p, th e va n loade d wit h vegetable s an d frui t i f i t wa s th e seaso n, an d sometime s h e woul d com e bac k wit h bag s ful l o f grocerie s fro m m y mother’ s lis t. H e kille d th e mea t w e at e an d w e gre w jus t abou t everythin g els e. M y mothe r bake d he r ow n brea d an d bottle d cherrie s an d pear s an d plum s fo r th e winte r. Sh e neve r wen t anywher e of f th e propert y, t o m y knowledg e, excep t o n m y firs t da y a t schoo l whe n sh e walke d m e th e tw o mile s t o th e crossroad s wher e th e bu s stoppe d. Afte r tha t I walke d b y mysel f, fas t, m y hea d dow n an d m y ear s ringin g wit h m y father’ s threat s o f wha t woul d happe n i f I dawdle d an d misse
Back in his room, putting off ringing the motel, he wondered where he’d put those old folders. Some of that material would be useful in his classes. He’d been fixated on it for a while, drawn in to Carly’s world, having serious doubts about his own philosophical and political stance. It was a long time, he thought now, since he’d been fixated on anything except himself and his paltry personal failures. And secrets. The lies he told to keep his secrets. He lifted the phone and punched in the numbers of the nearest motel, wondering again what Diana’s surprise might be.
The y cam e agai n las t nigh t, bu t it’ s to o soo n; onl y a fe w week s sinc e th e las t tim e.I hav e t o ignor e the m. Fortunatel y I’v e go t th e sleepin g pill s— no t eve n th e demon s ca n penetrat e tha t com a, thoug h i t leave s m e grogg y i n th e morning s. I t mean s th e spee d agai n fo r a whil e, jus t a judiciou s snor t befor e I fac e th e worl d. Bu t I don’ t lik e i t;I don’ t completel y trus t m y judgemen t thes e day s eve n whe n I’ m straigh t .
Yo u use d t o sugges t tha t th e demon s wer e m y parent s. Yo u sai d tha t perhap s i t wa s a rea l burie d memor y strugglin g t o surfac e,a nigh t whe n I’ d woke n an d the y wer e ther e, i n th e shadow s a t th e edge s o f m y roo m, watchin g m e. Tha t I’ d realise d the y mean t m e har m an d suppresse d th e knowledg e. Somethin g tha t happene d befor e I forme d th e powe r o f speec h tha t I coul d neve r properl y realis e becaus e I couldn’ t articulat e i t. Perhap s yo u wer e righ t. It’ s no t har d t o giv e the m th e shap e o f th e demon s, hu t m y impressio n i s tha t ther e ar e mor e tha n tw o o f the m;I can’ t imagin e my fathe r welcomin g other s t o shar e hi s hobbie s. An d m y mothe r neve r indicate d wha t sh e kne w t o anyon e .
The y neve r invite d anyon e els e t o shar e anythin g. I t seem s impossibl e, bu t i n m y memor y I didn’ t mee t anothe r adul t unti l I wen t t o schoo l.I hav e a fain t memor y o f a littl e bo y i n short s, dow n b y th e cree k, bu t I don’ t kno w wh o h e coul d hav e bee n. A s fa r a s I kne w ther e wer e n o relative s, an d w e live d mile s fro m th e neares t neighbour s .
I suppos e ther e aren’ t man y place s lik e tha t lef t no w, a s isolate d a s w e wer e. M y fathe r worke d th e far m b y himsel f, wit h m y mothe r an d m e helpin g wher e w e coul d, an d ever y fe w week s h e woul d g o of f int o th e townshi p, th e va n loade d wit h vegetable s an d frui t i f i t wa s th e seaso n, an d sometime s h e woul d com e bac k wit h bag s ful l o f grocerie s fro m m y mother’ s lis t. H e kille d th e mea t w e at e an d w e gre w jus t abou t everythin g els e. M y mothe r bake d he r ow n brea d an d bottle d cherrie s an d pear s an d plum s fo r th e winte r. Sh e neve r wen t anywher e of f th e propert y, t o m y knowledg e, excep t o n m y firs t da y a t schoo l whe n sh e walke d m e th e tw o mile s t o th e crossroad s wher e th e bu s stoppe d. Afte r tha t I walke d b y mysel f, fas t, m y hea d dow n an d m y ear s ringin g wit h m y father’ s threat s o f wha t woul d happe n i f I dawdle d an d misse
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