Old Wounds by N.K. Smith Page A

was willing to be a friend to a retard like me.
    “She w-won’t have m-much trouble finding f-friends, R-R-Robin. She’s nnnot liiike me.”
    I ignored her breathy sigh and continued to play. “You know, Elliott, you’re able to speak more fluently when you play. Have you noticed that?” I ignored her, instead directing my attention to the song, hoping to just get through it and be able to go upstairs, away from her; away from everyone.
    But Robin wasn’t having that. “Stephen says you had a panic attack on Monday.” My eyes closed. Now I knew what this whole thing was about. She’d gotten me to play the piano, talk about something else, and now she was going in for the therapist’s kill. Although my breathing sped up slightly, I kept my fingers moving along the keys, producing the same perfect sounds as always. “What happened at the mall, Elliott?”
    “I d-di-didn’t want to gggo.” Jane had asked me to and of course, Stephen said she couldn’t go alone. Even though I needed nothing from the mall, Jane had guilted me into going.
    “But you did and what happened?” she coached.
    I exhaled, completing the song before I turned to her, knowing that she would make me look at her at some point. My eyes were still closed. “I c-c-c-cccouldn’t breathe.”
    “Why?”
    “T-t-t-t-too maaaany p-people.” Slowly, I let my eyes drift open. “The mmmmedicine d-doesn’t w-w-work.”
    “Even though you don’t like the medication, you’re able to go to school now, usually without incident, but I guess it’s because that’s a closed community, so to speak. You know everybody there. Perhaps the mall triggered it because the only person you knew was Jane.”
    It didn’t matter why; it only mattered that I couldn’t do it without my body tensing up like it was in a vise while my brain shut down. But Robin wouldn’t give up…ever. So it came as no surprise when she said, “You should try it again.”
    I gritted my teeth.
    Yes, trying it again was such a logical thing for me to do. I definitely wanted to go and freak out amongst strangers and have the mall security come pick me up like a rag doll and be ushered to the hospital in an ambulance while the EMTs tried to ascertain whether I was having a heart attack or a seizure. Yes. That made perfect sense.
    I stood up. “Where are you going?” Robin asked.
    What business was it of hers? I forced myself to ignore my need to obey an authority figure. This was my house, not hers. “T-t-tired.”
    I started walking toward the steps, but stopped when I heard her voice.
    “Elliott, I know it’s hard, but you have to push past it.”
    Great advice. That’s like telling a depressed person to just smile, it’s not that bad. It should be a rule that all therapeutic professionals must have some kind of firsthand knowledge of the disorders they sought to treat so that they wouldn’t say brainless things like that. Why didn’t I think of that? Just push past it. Great idea. I would have to give it a try. I forced my feet to move and finally I was in the sanctuary of my room.
    The rest of the night passed without incident. Robin, Trent, and Rebecca all went home and no one bothered me until I woke to the sounds of David beating on the bathroom door again. I wished Stephen would’ve had enough sense years ago to give Jane the bedroom with the private bathroom, but I understood why he didn’t. Jane had a tendency to cut herself, and having her own bathroom seemed like a bad idea. She could cut herself too deep and bleed out without anyone knowing about it.
    But she hadn’t been doing that much anymore, at least not that I knew of. Trent was good for her like that; however, the fear and threat were still there, so I would continue to be awakened by David’s fists on the bathroom door while he’d shout at her to hurry up.
    I tried to ignore it when David turned his fists loose on my door, yelling at me to get out of bed. “It’s Friday, Elliott. Just think; it’s