Dreams of Sex and Stage Diving by Martin Millar

herself and the five other members of the company would move the story along by pretending to be tables, chairs, cats, dogs and whatever else was necessary. They made up all their own scripts. She did not act in Shakespeare or anything like it, and had not done so since leaving drama school two years ago.
    She explained her doubts to Elfish, casually placed her crisp packet on the floor, and excused herself. Elfish waited with pursed lips while Shonen emptied herself of the demon food in the toilet.
    While out together at gigs, raves or parties, Elfish had often been obliged to help Shonen out of some incredible situations where old and fragile toilet bowls had seized up completely after relentless visits from the bulimic actress, leaving outraged fellow partiers looking on in horror as a hideous mess of vomit and sludge-like water oozed up over the bowl to cover the floor, making the bathroom totally off-limits for the rest of the night, and possibly forever.
    â€œI know it is not your sort of thing,” continued Elfish, on Shonen’s return. “And you are generally more at home whilst pretending to be a field of wheat, or the spirit of freedom, but you must have learned speeches from Shakespeare at one time. And it is not nearly as difficult for me as it sounds because I have already learned thirty-three lines of the speech and have a rough idea of how the rest goes. I just need you to do a little final coaching.”

    Shonen could not understand why this had suddenly become so important to Elfish.
    â€œI have to learn the speech in order to claim the name of Queen Mab for my band.”
    Shonen looked blank. Elfish explained that she had made an arrangement with Mo, this arrangement being that if Elfish could stand up on stage in front of the audience before Mo’s gig and recite the forty-three line speech she could have the name of Queen Mab, provided she had a band to go with it.
    â€œWhy did Mo agree to that?”
    â€œBecause he is keen to make me look foolish and he thinks that I will look very foolish indeed trying to quote a speech from Shakespeare to his audience, particularly as he is completely certain that I will not be able to learn it in the first place. Already he has spread the word and much of Brixton will be there to see me make an idiot of myself. Unfortunately for them they will all be disappointed because they are unaware that I know most of it already.”
    Elfish did not further explain that her brother had brokered this agreement through the imaginary agency of Amnesia and that Mo had gone along with it not merely to humiliate Elfish but to gain favour with Amnesia.
    â€œWhen I am successful Mo will be obliged to cede the name to me.”
    Shonen looked troubled and opened a packet of biscuits.
    â€œWhat happens if you fail?”
    â€œThen Mo may demand from me anything he desires. Mo stipulated this condition, saying that otherwise he would just carry on and use the name when he was ready. This is an unpleasant aspect of the agreement but it was necessary to entice Mo into it.”

    Shonen looked at Elfish in amazement.
    â€œYou have entered into a competition with Mo, a man of cave-man-like desires, the prize for which is anything the winner desires? Are you completely mad?”
    Not as mad as you, thought Elfish sourly, as Shonen excused herself and hurried out of the room.

nineteen
    ALCIBIADES WAS AT the height of his fame around 421 B.C. and he was the most famous man in Athens. He was rich, talented and beautiful. He once entered seven chariot teams for events in the Olympic games. He could probably have had anyone he wanted in Athens but the person he most wanted was the renowned philosopher Socrates, whom he couldn’t have.
    Plato relates that Alcibiades once invited Socrates round for dinner. There were no other guests, and after they had eaten, Alcibiades dismissed the servants and slaves and started to ply Socrates with drink. Socrates, however,