Once Upon Another Time by Rosary McQuestion

every year when the
anniversary of his death rolls around.  You’ve got to stop torturing yourself,
it’s not healthy.”
    If she only
knew.  
    I peered numbly at
the yellow number two pencils in the holder on my desk.  One was uneven with
the rest so I pulled it out of the holder.  “Laura, I never claimed to be a
poster child for perfect mental health, but it’s not for lack of trying.”  I
jabbed the pencil into the electric sharpener.  “I’ve tried to find a good
therapist, but none of them seem to be able to relate to me.”  My voice
quavered, while I kept my eyes riveted on the sharp point of the now even-sized
pencil and placed it back into the metal holder. 
    All the years I
lived with the guilt of thinking I’d caused Matt’s death, I never told anyone.  I
kept it to myself mainly because I didn’t believe in pity parties, not to
mention I didn’t have all the facts.   
    “There comes a
point in everyone’s life,” Laura hissed under her breath, “when a person has to
step up and take charge of their own destiny.”
    My eyes shot up
from the pencils to give Laura an icy stare.  “Excuse me, but I resent your
accusation of me not being in charge of my life.”
    “What?”  Laura’s
eyes narrowed as she thrust her head forward.  “How did you know I was--um--what
I’m trying to say is that I never said that.”
    “You most
certainly did!  Saying it under your breath didn’t keep me from hearing--”
    “What are you
talking about?”
    Dammit!   There
had to be a trick to this mind reading stuff, but until I figured it out, I
thought it best that I look directly at the person to make sure their lips are
moving during a conversation. 
    “Oh for heaven’s
sake,” I said.  “It’s not as if I can’t read your mind after all these years. 
That is what you were thinking, wasn’t it?”  I turned an ear toward her.
    Laura shook her
head and waved her hand dismissively.  “Never mind, just listen.  I worry about
you.  It’s like you destroy every relationship you have.  Like Jack, you’ll
probably never go out with him again.  And you know why, because no one
measures up.  You stopped dating Greg because you didn’t like his wardrobe
and--”
    “Oh, come on,
Laura.  The shiny black faux-leather jumpsuit?  The long yellow scarf?” 
    “How about Dan?  You
said he was too hairy and--”
     “The man had a
braided chest!”
     “Michael?”   
    “Peanut toes.”
    “Alex?”
    “Ex-priest, need I
say more?”  I said, returning the boring volley.
    “Thomas?”
    I paused.  “Hmm,
are you familiar with Greek Mythology the Sphinx in particular?”
    Laura gave me a
curious look.
    “All right, I’ll
tell you.  The Sphinx is a creature with the body of a lion, the wings of an
eagle and the head and breasts of a female.”
    “Here we go!” 
Laura said, throwing her hands in the air.  “Have you ever wondered if the problem
was you?”
    Sticks and
stones and all that crap.
    “Why can’t you
make an effort to be happy and enjoy life?  Remember, you’re among the
living--Matt is among the dead.”
    It felt as if my
best friend had kicked me in the stomach.  And by the look on Laura’s face I
knew she had read the sadden stare in my eyes.
    “Honey, I’m
sorry.  That just slipped out the wrong way.  What I meant to say is that Matt
would want you to be happy.  You need to loosen up.  If you were half as
good at relationships as you are at being a mother and a lawyer, your life
would be perfect.  Besides, if you were more relaxed it might ease your
neurosis.  It doesn’t work to try and put life into perfectly organized little
compartments trying to control every aspect.” 
    I placed my hands
squarely on my hips.  “I am not neurotic,” I said while thinking about the
pigeon poop on the ledge outside my window.  I’d called building maintenance
twice, to get the schedule of the window washers who come twice a year.   
    “Come on now