said have you?’
‘Have I what?’
‘Have you got anything planned for the weekend?’
‘Oh right! I say, letting out an almighty sigh of relief. She’s frowning at me now.
‘Yeah, quiet.’
I can sense her looking at me, but I stare at the floor. She giggles.
‘You’ve met someone haven’t you?’ she whispers in my ear. ‘Go on, I can tell by that face.’
I don’t stop staring at the floor.
‘Oh no! I know! You’ve finally got it together with Jim – that’s it isn’t?’
‘No!’ I snap, making her start back ever so slightly.
‘Oh right. It’s just, you were looking kind of shifty that’s all.’
Thankfully it’s then that we get to the eighth floor andJulia waddles out as I mumble something about having a hangover.
I rush to my desk, the email’s there. I didn’t send it. Thank fuck I didn’t send it!
To: [email protected]
Yes I’m free, if I haven’t been taken in by a polyamorous cult by then.
(Or if I haven’t been impregnated.)
I press delete.
By some miracle, I make it through the rest of the day, the sun sinking behind St Paul’s by the time I meet Jim outside the Tate.
He’s sitting on one of the black rubber benches when I get there. His gangly legs are stretched out in front of him and he’s carrying a bunch of freesias with foil wrapped around the stems.
He looks up when I say hello and squints into the light.
‘These are for you,’ he says holding out the flowers. They smell amazing. ‘I’m sorry about before.’
‘About what?’
‘Er, for being in bed with Annalisa when you rang to tell me you’re pregnant? I feel awful.’
‘Don’t worry, honestly I’ve forgotten already.’ A picture of her, nude, black hair flowing all over the pillow pops into my head. ‘Was she naked?’ I ask.
‘I thought you’d forgotten,’ says Jim. ‘Sorry,’ I mumble. ‘I have, I have.’
I sit down beside him. The evening sun flickers like embers on the river in front of us. ‘Anyway,’ I say. ‘Look at this.’
I undo the front pocket of my bag, take out the test and hand it to him. He unwraps it, looks at me, squeezes my thigh, then holds up the test to the light.
‘Mmm. There’s definitely a cross there isn’t there?’
‘Really? Oh God, I was hoping…Do you think?’
The reality hits me, there’s no getting away from this now. I burst into tears, tears of pure shock.
‘Sorry,’ I say, ‘I just don’t know what to do. I cannot believe this is happening, what are we going to do?’
Jim rubs his face with his hands then puts an arm around me and we don’t say anything for a while, just stare blankly at the water. Then Jim says, ‘I don’t know. But whatever happens it will be alright, OK? I promise. Whatever happens, I’m here for you.’
In reality there never really was any question of whether I was going to keep the baby.
‘It’s your decision,’ Jim said, as we walked across Millennium Bridge. ‘I’ll stand by you whatever you decide.’
It felt like I was alone at that moment. As if the glittering towers at either side, the Gherkin glowing orange like a burning rocket and the river below us were holding their breath, awaiting my decision.
But the truth was, I had already made my decision. The decision was made the moment the blue cross emerged. If I was eighteen, I wouldn’t think twice, I’d have an abortion. But I am twenty-eight, a grown woman and besides, the way things are going lately – Laurence showing up out of the blue and now this, the second earth-shattering event of the year and it’s only April – half of me wonders whether life is trying to tell me something and I should sit up and listen.
‘I want to keep it,’ I say. And even though I mean it, I still want to gobble all the words back again as soon as they’ve left my mouth.
‘You do?’ Jim stops, turns and looks at me. He looks…what is that look?… delighted ?! A nd for a fleeting second,I think what a brilliant dad he’ll make
‘Have I what?’
‘Have you got anything planned for the weekend?’
‘Oh right! I say, letting out an almighty sigh of relief. She’s frowning at me now.
‘Yeah, quiet.’
I can sense her looking at me, but I stare at the floor. She giggles.
‘You’ve met someone haven’t you?’ she whispers in my ear. ‘Go on, I can tell by that face.’
I don’t stop staring at the floor.
‘Oh no! I know! You’ve finally got it together with Jim – that’s it isn’t?’
‘No!’ I snap, making her start back ever so slightly.
‘Oh right. It’s just, you were looking kind of shifty that’s all.’
Thankfully it’s then that we get to the eighth floor andJulia waddles out as I mumble something about having a hangover.
I rush to my desk, the email’s there. I didn’t send it. Thank fuck I didn’t send it!
To: [email protected]
Yes I’m free, if I haven’t been taken in by a polyamorous cult by then.
(Or if I haven’t been impregnated.)
I press delete.
By some miracle, I make it through the rest of the day, the sun sinking behind St Paul’s by the time I meet Jim outside the Tate.
He’s sitting on one of the black rubber benches when I get there. His gangly legs are stretched out in front of him and he’s carrying a bunch of freesias with foil wrapped around the stems.
He looks up when I say hello and squints into the light.
‘These are for you,’ he says holding out the flowers. They smell amazing. ‘I’m sorry about before.’
‘About what?’
‘Er, for being in bed with Annalisa when you rang to tell me you’re pregnant? I feel awful.’
‘Don’t worry, honestly I’ve forgotten already.’ A picture of her, nude, black hair flowing all over the pillow pops into my head. ‘Was she naked?’ I ask.
‘I thought you’d forgotten,’ says Jim. ‘Sorry,’ I mumble. ‘I have, I have.’
I sit down beside him. The evening sun flickers like embers on the river in front of us. ‘Anyway,’ I say. ‘Look at this.’
I undo the front pocket of my bag, take out the test and hand it to him. He unwraps it, looks at me, squeezes my thigh, then holds up the test to the light.
‘Mmm. There’s definitely a cross there isn’t there?’
‘Really? Oh God, I was hoping…Do you think?’
The reality hits me, there’s no getting away from this now. I burst into tears, tears of pure shock.
‘Sorry,’ I say, ‘I just don’t know what to do. I cannot believe this is happening, what are we going to do?’
Jim rubs his face with his hands then puts an arm around me and we don’t say anything for a while, just stare blankly at the water. Then Jim says, ‘I don’t know. But whatever happens it will be alright, OK? I promise. Whatever happens, I’m here for you.’
In reality there never really was any question of whether I was going to keep the baby.
‘It’s your decision,’ Jim said, as we walked across Millennium Bridge. ‘I’ll stand by you whatever you decide.’
It felt like I was alone at that moment. As if the glittering towers at either side, the Gherkin glowing orange like a burning rocket and the river below us were holding their breath, awaiting my decision.
But the truth was, I had already made my decision. The decision was made the moment the blue cross emerged. If I was eighteen, I wouldn’t think twice, I’d have an abortion. But I am twenty-eight, a grown woman and besides, the way things are going lately – Laurence showing up out of the blue and now this, the second earth-shattering event of the year and it’s only April – half of me wonders whether life is trying to tell me something and I should sit up and listen.
‘I want to keep it,’ I say. And even though I mean it, I still want to gobble all the words back again as soon as they’ve left my mouth.
‘You do?’ Jim stops, turns and looks at me. He looks…what is that look?… delighted ?! A nd for a fleeting second,I think what a brilliant dad he’ll make
Similar Books
