we’re in the middle of the page.”
I smiled at her, embarrassed. “Thank you, Jane.”
I looked at the book but reading was difficult. I kept telling myself only ten minutes to the bell, but then my heart started racing and my palms began to sweat. I wondered if I was having a panic attack.
Pull yourself together, I told myself again. I tried to concentrate, but finally I gave up and asked David Morris to read the next paragraph and while he did, I prayed that it would take us to the bell. When it eventually rang the entire class exhaled and they almost ran from the room. I sat at my desk with my eyes closed and my head in my
hands, taking refuge in the darkness. I hadn’t noticed that Declan Morgan had remained sitting at his desk. I heard someone say “Miss” and I looked up.
“Declan, I’m sorry, I didn’t realise you were still here. What can I do for you?” I enquired, without meeting his eyes.
Declan was looking straight at me. “I just wanted to say that I was sorry about your fella. It was a terrible thing that happened to him.”
His kindness threw me. I was touched and I desperately wanted to cry again. “Thank you,” I managed.
He got up to leave and then he stopped. “Miss?” “Yes, Declan?”
“Can I tell you a joke?”
I smiled despite myself.
He dropped his schoolbag on the ground and walked
up to me. “There was a bear and a rabbit taking a shit in the woods. The bear turned to the rabbit and said: ‘Hey, Rabbit, does shit stick to your fur?’ The rabbit said, ‘No,’ so the bear wiped his arse with the rabbit.” He smiled as though to ask, “Do you get it?”
I should have admonished him for his bad language
but instead I laughed and when he saw me laughing, he laughed.
“That’s a great joke,” I said.
“I know,” he grinned and he reminded me of John as a teenager. He turned to leave.
“Declan!” I called involuntarily.
He stopped.
“You live down the road from me, don’t you?” I enquired.
“I do.”
“Would you like a lift home?” I asked.
He smiled. “Only if you let me drive.”
I laughed while advising that there was no way in hell. He waited for me while I collected my things and for a
few minutes everything was normal. Declan opened the door for me.
“Thanks,” I said gratefully and we both knew that I meant it.
*
That night Clodagh arrived with another stew from her
mother.
“How long is she going to keep making me stews?” I asked her.
“Not long. Another six months or so,” she answered, smiling.
I put it in the freezer on top of the stew and lasagne
she had made me the week before.
Clo sat at the counter and continued, “She just wants to help, Em.”
I nodded and I wished I could feel normal again. I turned to her, smiling. “One of my students told me a joke today — it was very funny.”
She looked surprised. “Tell me.”
“Well,” I began and paused, realising that I couldn’t remember it. “It was about a bear shitting on a rabbit or something. It was really funny,” I said lamely.
“A bear shits on a rabbit? It sounds hilarious,” she smiled. “Jesus, Em, we really need to get you out.”
We laughed and it was the first time we had enjoyed a
second together since the accident. The fog was dissipating and I thanked Declan in my head once more. Later we sat in the living-room with coffee and I asked her how Sean was. I hadn’t seen him much since the funeral He had called
around a few times, but I pretended I was out and hid behind the curtains, watching him walk down the road. I couldn’t face him and now it seemed like he couldn’t face me.
“He’s fine,” she said, but she was a brutal liar.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Nothing,” she replied.
It made me angry. “I wish you’d talk to me!”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” she answered, hurt.
“Stop freezing me out. John’s dead, not me. Why can’t you just talk to me like you used to.”
I smiled at her, embarrassed. “Thank you, Jane.”
I looked at the book but reading was difficult. I kept telling myself only ten minutes to the bell, but then my heart started racing and my palms began to sweat. I wondered if I was having a panic attack.
Pull yourself together, I told myself again. I tried to concentrate, but finally I gave up and asked David Morris to read the next paragraph and while he did, I prayed that it would take us to the bell. When it eventually rang the entire class exhaled and they almost ran from the room. I sat at my desk with my eyes closed and my head in my
hands, taking refuge in the darkness. I hadn’t noticed that Declan Morgan had remained sitting at his desk. I heard someone say “Miss” and I looked up.
“Declan, I’m sorry, I didn’t realise you were still here. What can I do for you?” I enquired, without meeting his eyes.
Declan was looking straight at me. “I just wanted to say that I was sorry about your fella. It was a terrible thing that happened to him.”
His kindness threw me. I was touched and I desperately wanted to cry again. “Thank you,” I managed.
He got up to leave and then he stopped. “Miss?” “Yes, Declan?”
“Can I tell you a joke?”
I smiled despite myself.
He dropped his schoolbag on the ground and walked
up to me. “There was a bear and a rabbit taking a shit in the woods. The bear turned to the rabbit and said: ‘Hey, Rabbit, does shit stick to your fur?’ The rabbit said, ‘No,’ so the bear wiped his arse with the rabbit.” He smiled as though to ask, “Do you get it?”
I should have admonished him for his bad language
but instead I laughed and when he saw me laughing, he laughed.
“That’s a great joke,” I said.
“I know,” he grinned and he reminded me of John as a teenager. He turned to leave.
“Declan!” I called involuntarily.
He stopped.
“You live down the road from me, don’t you?” I enquired.
“I do.”
“Would you like a lift home?” I asked.
He smiled. “Only if you let me drive.”
I laughed while advising that there was no way in hell. He waited for me while I collected my things and for a
few minutes everything was normal. Declan opened the door for me.
“Thanks,” I said gratefully and we both knew that I meant it.
*
That night Clodagh arrived with another stew from her
mother.
“How long is she going to keep making me stews?” I asked her.
“Not long. Another six months or so,” she answered, smiling.
I put it in the freezer on top of the stew and lasagne
she had made me the week before.
Clo sat at the counter and continued, “She just wants to help, Em.”
I nodded and I wished I could feel normal again. I turned to her, smiling. “One of my students told me a joke today — it was very funny.”
She looked surprised. “Tell me.”
“Well,” I began and paused, realising that I couldn’t remember it. “It was about a bear shitting on a rabbit or something. It was really funny,” I said lamely.
“A bear shits on a rabbit? It sounds hilarious,” she smiled. “Jesus, Em, we really need to get you out.”
We laughed and it was the first time we had enjoyed a
second together since the accident. The fog was dissipating and I thanked Declan in my head once more. Later we sat in the living-room with coffee and I asked her how Sean was. I hadn’t seen him much since the funeral He had called
around a few times, but I pretended I was out and hid behind the curtains, watching him walk down the road. I couldn’t face him and now it seemed like he couldn’t face me.
“He’s fine,” she said, but she was a brutal liar.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Nothing,” she replied.
It made me angry. “I wish you’d talk to me!”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” she answered, hurt.
“Stop freezing me out. John’s dead, not me. Why can’t you just talk to me like you used to.”
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