chap drained his whisky and announced: “Got to get to the office party. To tell you the truth, I can’t stand any of them who’ll be there – a real bunch of crawlers.”
When the barman asked him why he bothered going, the toper replied: “I’m the boss, it’s expected of me.”
A CHAP who had not been in the pub for a while explained his absence: “I broke my leg and the doc said he was going to put me in a cast.”
He then added: “How he expected me to sing and dance in that condition I’ll never know.”
FESTIVE time in the pubs and, in one giant bar in Glasgow, a young chap was heard telling a young woman he was a “marine coating and heating engineer”. He never got round to explaining he actually fried fish in the Blue Lagoon chip shop.
“MY DOCTOR has just discovered I’m colour blind,” said the chap in the pub.
“It was a real bolt out of the red.”
PUBS are famed of course for their amateur comedians. “I bought ma wee niece a torch for her birthday,” one chap declared in the pub the other day.
“You should have seen her wee face light up.”
STEPHEN THOMAS witnessed an argument in a Glasgow pub over the merits of buying someone a non-alcoholic drink. As the chap declared with perfect logic: “Naw, you’re no’ gettin’ another Coke. If you were sitting in the house you wouldnae have three Cokes in a row, would ye?”
“I GOT aroused watching Countdown the other night,” said the loud-mouth in the pub.
“Not bad – seven letters,” he added.
JIM HAIR in Dalry was at a pub quiz where a contestant was asked to name a fish beginning with C.
“Chuna,” the chap replied.
OUR STORY of sandwich fillings reminds Bill McEwan of when he was teaching physics in Motherwell.
Says Bill: “I was discussing the main components of a radio and was attempting to elucidate the function of the tuner when I noticed a look of confusion on one pupil’s face.
“When I asked if he had a problem, he said that he didn’t understand why a radio needed a fish.”
READER Nick Austwick was in one of the more challenging pubs in Cambuslang and asked his companion if they would be safe there. “Just don’t show them your teeth,” he replied. “They hate folk with teeth.”
DOUGIE McNICOL in Bridge of Weir heard two chaps in the pub discussing a football-loving friend who was in hospital. “So, it looks like he’s gonny miss a’ the European gemmes,” opined one.
“He’ll be able tae see them on Sky,” replied his pal.
But the first chap disagreed. “It’s the hospital he’s in – no’ the jail.”
NOT THE best chat-up line, we reckon, from the chap a reader over-heard in a Glasgow city-centre pub at the weekend. He approached a girl, out with her pals, who was wearing a tiara which said “Birthday Girl”. “How old are you?” he asked.
“Pushing thirty,” the woman giggled.
“From which direction?” he replied.
A READER overhears a group of lads in a large Glasgow pub working out what they are going to drink. “It’s three pounds a pint, or a pitcher for a tenner,” said one.
“Why would I want my photo taken drinking lager?” asked his pal.
8.
Nostalgia
Nostalgia, as someone once observed, is a thing of the past. Here are some of our readers’ favourite memories.
IT WAS forty years ago that decimalisation was introduced, with many programmes on telly explaining the changeover, and shops sneakily putting up their prices hoping we wouldn’t notice. As one auld biddy declared in a butcher’s shop at the time: “I can’t understand why the Government didn’t just wait until all the old folk had died before bringing in this new-fangled money.”
MIKE ELLIOTT in Glasgow was an eighteen-year-old working in a Leeds pub then. He recalls: “I remember being sorely tempted to help myself to generous tips when inebriated or frustrated customers would empty their pockets of change on to the counter and say, ‘I can’t work out this toy money
When the barman asked him why he bothered going, the toper replied: “I’m the boss, it’s expected of me.”
A CHAP who had not been in the pub for a while explained his absence: “I broke my leg and the doc said he was going to put me in a cast.”
He then added: “How he expected me to sing and dance in that condition I’ll never know.”
FESTIVE time in the pubs and, in one giant bar in Glasgow, a young chap was heard telling a young woman he was a “marine coating and heating engineer”. He never got round to explaining he actually fried fish in the Blue Lagoon chip shop.
“MY DOCTOR has just discovered I’m colour blind,” said the chap in the pub.
“It was a real bolt out of the red.”
PUBS are famed of course for their amateur comedians. “I bought ma wee niece a torch for her birthday,” one chap declared in the pub the other day.
“You should have seen her wee face light up.”
STEPHEN THOMAS witnessed an argument in a Glasgow pub over the merits of buying someone a non-alcoholic drink. As the chap declared with perfect logic: “Naw, you’re no’ gettin’ another Coke. If you were sitting in the house you wouldnae have three Cokes in a row, would ye?”
“I GOT aroused watching Countdown the other night,” said the loud-mouth in the pub.
“Not bad – seven letters,” he added.
JIM HAIR in Dalry was at a pub quiz where a contestant was asked to name a fish beginning with C.
“Chuna,” the chap replied.
OUR STORY of sandwich fillings reminds Bill McEwan of when he was teaching physics in Motherwell.
Says Bill: “I was discussing the main components of a radio and was attempting to elucidate the function of the tuner when I noticed a look of confusion on one pupil’s face.
“When I asked if he had a problem, he said that he didn’t understand why a radio needed a fish.”
READER Nick Austwick was in one of the more challenging pubs in Cambuslang and asked his companion if they would be safe there. “Just don’t show them your teeth,” he replied. “They hate folk with teeth.”
DOUGIE McNICOL in Bridge of Weir heard two chaps in the pub discussing a football-loving friend who was in hospital. “So, it looks like he’s gonny miss a’ the European gemmes,” opined one.
“He’ll be able tae see them on Sky,” replied his pal.
But the first chap disagreed. “It’s the hospital he’s in – no’ the jail.”
NOT THE best chat-up line, we reckon, from the chap a reader over-heard in a Glasgow city-centre pub at the weekend. He approached a girl, out with her pals, who was wearing a tiara which said “Birthday Girl”. “How old are you?” he asked.
“Pushing thirty,” the woman giggled.
“From which direction?” he replied.
A READER overhears a group of lads in a large Glasgow pub working out what they are going to drink. “It’s three pounds a pint, or a pitcher for a tenner,” said one.
“Why would I want my photo taken drinking lager?” asked his pal.
8.
Nostalgia
Nostalgia, as someone once observed, is a thing of the past. Here are some of our readers’ favourite memories.
IT WAS forty years ago that decimalisation was introduced, with many programmes on telly explaining the changeover, and shops sneakily putting up their prices hoping we wouldn’t notice. As one auld biddy declared in a butcher’s shop at the time: “I can’t understand why the Government didn’t just wait until all the old folk had died before bringing in this new-fangled money.”
MIKE ELLIOTT in Glasgow was an eighteen-year-old working in a Leeds pub then. He recalls: “I remember being sorely tempted to help myself to generous tips when inebriated or frustrated customers would empty their pockets of change on to the counter and say, ‘I can’t work out this toy money
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