health and hygiene, he asked if the owner was going to cover the floor.
“The proprietor said yes, and when asked what with, he replied, ‘Customers’ feet.”’
EWEN BAIRD tells us that when the Royal Bar in Helensburgh installed 3D television, they charged punters a £2 deposit on the special glasses. The Imperial Hotel further up the road also went for the 3D option and charged a £5 deposit.
Says Ewen: “The initiative of the locals was ably demonstrated when the owner of the Imperial was surprised to have twice the number of glasses returned, while the owner of the Royal was left wondering why none were returned to him. A pricing agreement was later made between the two pubs.”
ALAN BARLOW in Paisley tells us about a local pub used by players from the nearby bingo hall. One of the ladies took unwell and muttered: “It’s all the pills I’ve taken.”
She was taken to hospital where, to be safe, her stomach was pumped. It was only after, says Alan, that she came round and explained: “No’ they kind of pills. It’s the Pils lager.”
GORDON at the George Hotel in Inveraray tells us about a labourer over at Loch Awe who liked a dram before going home for his tea. He had just polished off a plate of mince ‘n’ tatties and a large glass of milk his wife had placed before him after a trip to the pub when the police arrived and breathalysed him following a tip-off he had been driving erratically.
He just scraped through the test and told the cops: “Well it’s either the milk or the mince which is great at neutralising the alcohol,” before his face darkened and he added, “Unless that sod at the pub is watering the vodka.”
A LANARKSHIRE reader hears a bold lad in his local tell a young woman to whom he was chatting that he was from “the US of A”.
Our reader was just thinking that the lad’s accent did not sound in the least transatlantic, when the chap then added for clarification: “The underside of Airdrie.”
ONLY in Glasgow. Barman Mark Ross, working in a hotel on the outskirts of the city, had to tell a tipsy customer attending a birthday bash that he could no longer serve her as it was after hours.
Not giving up easily she then asked: “Can ye no just gee me a wee glass ae wine? Ye know, like a kid’s portion o’ wine?”
YOU CAN’T beat a Scottish education. Bernard Henderson was in a Kirkcaldy pub on a karaoke night when a lady was belting out Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain”. As the words came up on screen she sang the line: “You had me several years ago when I was still quite naive,” but pronounced it as “knave”.
Realising that was wrong she shouted at the chap running the show: “Billy, your machine cannae spell.”
ADAM, the barman in the Lismore in the West End of Glasgow, watched as two punters compared their new mobile phones. One whipped out a BlackBerry and said he’d downloaded an application that e-mails you when your football team scored.
“That’s brilliant,” replied his pal. “Does it work?”
“Nae idea,” replied the BlackBerry owner. “I’m a Partick Thistle fan.”
RON WILLIAMSON reminded us of the classic tale of the barmaid trying to pour a customer a pint of Maclays, but the barrel needed changed.
When she shouted at the charge-hand: “That’s Maclays aff!” the customer naturally replied: “Wait a minute – I hardly know you.”
A BBC contact was sipping champagne cocktails in Glasgow’s Rogano last week when she heard a chap ask about a table for lunch, but was told by the maître d’that it would be a bit of a wait as there were only two empty tables and both were reserved.
The chap looked around, did a quick count, and told the maître d’: “I can see a few empty tables – what about those?” as he pointed over towards the back of the restaurant.
“You’re looking in the mirror sir,” the member of staff quietly replied.
A READER claims he was in a smart Glasgow bar before Christmas when a
“The proprietor said yes, and when asked what with, he replied, ‘Customers’ feet.”’
EWEN BAIRD tells us that when the Royal Bar in Helensburgh installed 3D television, they charged punters a £2 deposit on the special glasses. The Imperial Hotel further up the road also went for the 3D option and charged a £5 deposit.
Says Ewen: “The initiative of the locals was ably demonstrated when the owner of the Imperial was surprised to have twice the number of glasses returned, while the owner of the Royal was left wondering why none were returned to him. A pricing agreement was later made between the two pubs.”
ALAN BARLOW in Paisley tells us about a local pub used by players from the nearby bingo hall. One of the ladies took unwell and muttered: “It’s all the pills I’ve taken.”
She was taken to hospital where, to be safe, her stomach was pumped. It was only after, says Alan, that she came round and explained: “No’ they kind of pills. It’s the Pils lager.”
GORDON at the George Hotel in Inveraray tells us about a labourer over at Loch Awe who liked a dram before going home for his tea. He had just polished off a plate of mince ‘n’ tatties and a large glass of milk his wife had placed before him after a trip to the pub when the police arrived and breathalysed him following a tip-off he had been driving erratically.
He just scraped through the test and told the cops: “Well it’s either the milk or the mince which is great at neutralising the alcohol,” before his face darkened and he added, “Unless that sod at the pub is watering the vodka.”
A LANARKSHIRE reader hears a bold lad in his local tell a young woman to whom he was chatting that he was from “the US of A”.
Our reader was just thinking that the lad’s accent did not sound in the least transatlantic, when the chap then added for clarification: “The underside of Airdrie.”
ONLY in Glasgow. Barman Mark Ross, working in a hotel on the outskirts of the city, had to tell a tipsy customer attending a birthday bash that he could no longer serve her as it was after hours.
Not giving up easily she then asked: “Can ye no just gee me a wee glass ae wine? Ye know, like a kid’s portion o’ wine?”
YOU CAN’T beat a Scottish education. Bernard Henderson was in a Kirkcaldy pub on a karaoke night when a lady was belting out Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain”. As the words came up on screen she sang the line: “You had me several years ago when I was still quite naive,” but pronounced it as “knave”.
Realising that was wrong she shouted at the chap running the show: “Billy, your machine cannae spell.”
ADAM, the barman in the Lismore in the West End of Glasgow, watched as two punters compared their new mobile phones. One whipped out a BlackBerry and said he’d downloaded an application that e-mails you when your football team scored.
“That’s brilliant,” replied his pal. “Does it work?”
“Nae idea,” replied the BlackBerry owner. “I’m a Partick Thistle fan.”
RON WILLIAMSON reminded us of the classic tale of the barmaid trying to pour a customer a pint of Maclays, but the barrel needed changed.
When she shouted at the charge-hand: “That’s Maclays aff!” the customer naturally replied: “Wait a minute – I hardly know you.”
A BBC contact was sipping champagne cocktails in Glasgow’s Rogano last week when she heard a chap ask about a table for lunch, but was told by the maître d’that it would be a bit of a wait as there were only two empty tables and both were reserved.
The chap looked around, did a quick count, and told the maître d’: “I can see a few empty tables – what about those?” as he pointed over towards the back of the restaurant.
“You’re looking in the mirror sir,” the member of staff quietly replied.
A READER claims he was in a smart Glasgow bar before Christmas when a
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