provide the Empress with her daily bread … Well, dash it, if you see what I mean.’
‘I certainly do see what you mean. Dash it is right.’
‘What simpler than for Parsloe to issue his orders to this minion and for the minion to carry them out?’
‘Easy as falling off a log.’
‘It’s an appalling state of things.’
‘Precipitates a grave crisis. What are you going to do?’
‘That’s what I came to see Beach about. We’ve got to have a staff conference. Ah, here he comes, thank goodness.’
Outside, there had become audible the booming sound of a bulky butler making good time along a stone-flagged corridor. The bullfinch, recognizing the tread of loved feet, burst into liquid song.
5
But Beach, as he entered, was not taking the bass. A glance was enough to tell them that he was in no mood for singing. His moon-like face was twisted with mental agony, his gooseberry eyes bulging from their sockets. Even such a man so faint, so spiritless, so dead, so dull in look, so woebegone, drew Priam’s curtain in the dead of night and would have told him half his Troy was burned – or so it seemed to Penny, and she squeaked in amazement. Hers had been a sheltered life, and she had never before seen a butler with the heeby-jeebies.
‘Beach!’ she cried, deeply stirred. ‘What is it? Tell Mother.’
‘Good Lord, Beach,’ said Gally. ‘Then you’ve heard, too?’
‘Sir?’
‘About the Simmons girl being Parsloe’s cousin.’
Beach’s jaw fell another notch.
‘Sir Gregory’s cousin, Mr Galahad?’
‘Didn’t you know?’
‘I had no inkling, Mr Galahad.’
‘Then what are you sticking straws in your hair for?’
With trembling fingers Beach put a green baize cloth over the bullfinch’s cage. It was as if a Prime Minister in the House of Commons had blown the whistle for a secret session.
‘Mr Galahad,’ he said. ‘I can hardly tell you.’
‘What?’
‘No, sir, I can hardly tell you.’
‘Snap into it, Beach,’ said Penny. ‘Have your fit later.’
Beach tottered to a cupboard.
‘I think, Mr Galahad, if you will excuse me, I must take a drop of port.’
‘Double that order,’ said Gally.
‘Treble it,’ said Penny. ‘A beaker of the old familiar juice for each of the shareholders, Beach. And fill mine to the brim.’
Beach filled them all to the brim, and further evidence of his agitation, if such were needed, was afforded by the fact that he drained his glass at a gulp, though in happier times a sipper who sipped slowly, rolling the precious fluid round his tongue.
The restorative had its effect. He was able to speak.
‘Sir … and Madam …’
‘Have another,’ said Penny.
‘Thank you, miss. I believe I will. I think you should, too, Mr Galahad, for what I am about to say will come as a great shock.’
‘Get on, Beach. Don’t take all night about it.’
‘I know a man named Jerry Vail, a young author of sensational fiction,’ said Penny chattily, ‘who starts his stories just like this. You never know till Page Twenty-three what it’s all about. Suspense, he calls it.’
‘Cough it up, Beach, this instant, and no more delay. You hear me? I don’t want to be compelled to plug you in the eye.’
‘Very good, Mr Galahad.’
With a powerful effort the butler forced himself to begin his tale.
‘I have just returned from Market Blandings, Mr Galahad. I went there for the purpose of making a certain purchase. I don’t know if you have happened to notice it, sir, but recently I have been putting on a little weight, due no doubt to the sedentary nature of a butler’s –’
‘Beach!’
‘Let him work up to it,’ said Penny. ‘The Vail method. Building for the climax. Go on, Beach. You’re doing fine.’
‘Thank you, miss. Well, as I say, I have recently become somewhat worried about this increase in my weight, and I chanced to see in the paper an advertisement of a new preparation called Slimmo, guaranteed to reduce superfluous flesh, which
‘I certainly do see what you mean. Dash it is right.’
‘What simpler than for Parsloe to issue his orders to this minion and for the minion to carry them out?’
‘Easy as falling off a log.’
‘It’s an appalling state of things.’
‘Precipitates a grave crisis. What are you going to do?’
‘That’s what I came to see Beach about. We’ve got to have a staff conference. Ah, here he comes, thank goodness.’
Outside, there had become audible the booming sound of a bulky butler making good time along a stone-flagged corridor. The bullfinch, recognizing the tread of loved feet, burst into liquid song.
5
But Beach, as he entered, was not taking the bass. A glance was enough to tell them that he was in no mood for singing. His moon-like face was twisted with mental agony, his gooseberry eyes bulging from their sockets. Even such a man so faint, so spiritless, so dead, so dull in look, so woebegone, drew Priam’s curtain in the dead of night and would have told him half his Troy was burned – or so it seemed to Penny, and she squeaked in amazement. Hers had been a sheltered life, and she had never before seen a butler with the heeby-jeebies.
‘Beach!’ she cried, deeply stirred. ‘What is it? Tell Mother.’
‘Good Lord, Beach,’ said Gally. ‘Then you’ve heard, too?’
‘Sir?’
‘About the Simmons girl being Parsloe’s cousin.’
Beach’s jaw fell another notch.
‘Sir Gregory’s cousin, Mr Galahad?’
‘Didn’t you know?’
‘I had no inkling, Mr Galahad.’
‘Then what are you sticking straws in your hair for?’
With trembling fingers Beach put a green baize cloth over the bullfinch’s cage. It was as if a Prime Minister in the House of Commons had blown the whistle for a secret session.
‘Mr Galahad,’ he said. ‘I can hardly tell you.’
‘What?’
‘No, sir, I can hardly tell you.’
‘Snap into it, Beach,’ said Penny. ‘Have your fit later.’
Beach tottered to a cupboard.
‘I think, Mr Galahad, if you will excuse me, I must take a drop of port.’
‘Double that order,’ said Gally.
‘Treble it,’ said Penny. ‘A beaker of the old familiar juice for each of the shareholders, Beach. And fill mine to the brim.’
Beach filled them all to the brim, and further evidence of his agitation, if such were needed, was afforded by the fact that he drained his glass at a gulp, though in happier times a sipper who sipped slowly, rolling the precious fluid round his tongue.
The restorative had its effect. He was able to speak.
‘Sir … and Madam …’
‘Have another,’ said Penny.
‘Thank you, miss. I believe I will. I think you should, too, Mr Galahad, for what I am about to say will come as a great shock.’
‘Get on, Beach. Don’t take all night about it.’
‘I know a man named Jerry Vail, a young author of sensational fiction,’ said Penny chattily, ‘who starts his stories just like this. You never know till Page Twenty-three what it’s all about. Suspense, he calls it.’
‘Cough it up, Beach, this instant, and no more delay. You hear me? I don’t want to be compelled to plug you in the eye.’
‘Very good, Mr Galahad.’
With a powerful effort the butler forced himself to begin his tale.
‘I have just returned from Market Blandings, Mr Galahad. I went there for the purpose of making a certain purchase. I don’t know if you have happened to notice it, sir, but recently I have been putting on a little weight, due no doubt to the sedentary nature of a butler’s –’
‘Beach!’
‘Let him work up to it,’ said Penny. ‘The Vail method. Building for the climax. Go on, Beach. You’re doing fine.’
‘Thank you, miss. Well, as I say, I have recently become somewhat worried about this increase in my weight, and I chanced to see in the paper an advertisement of a new preparation called Slimmo, guaranteed to reduce superfluous flesh, which
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