the bar counter nervously. Her eyeslanded everywhere but on me. I had never shared her fanatical need to clean. It seemed an odd characteristic for an artist.
“It was the night after you left for Wyoming. The first time, to do the internship. I surprised them.”
She stopped.
“Surprised who?” My voice was impatient. I thought we’d always told each other everything. Well, at least I’d thought she always told
me
everything.
“Mama and Daddy. Tommie, please don’t be mad at me.”
“Sadie, just tell me.”
“They were fighting in the kitchen. At the table. They didn’t know I’d come in the front door. It was late. Dark outside. I’d been with the horses in the barn. It was raining and I was filthy. I started up the stairs to the shower, but then I stopped. I’d never heard them so angry at each other before.”
I watched her pretty throat constrict as she swallowed, hard.
“Mama said it wasn’t safe for you to go to Wyoming, that it was too far away. That Daddy better stop you. Daddy told her that she needed to trust him. Hadn’t he protected us so far? He said it might be the safest place on earth for you to be, in a place backed up to wilderness. That they wouldn’t find you.”
Mama always worried we were too far away. In our mother’s perfect world, I would have attended the TCU school of music, become a teacher, married, built my own place on the ranch, and borne three children by now. After the bull crushed any future as a pianist, Mama imagined the most ordinary life possible for me.
But who were “they”?
Sadie glanced over at Maddie, who was glued to a black-and-white image of the irascible Scout, and her tone dropped lower.
“Daddy said … Oh, I don’t know if I can tell you this.”
She seemed close to tears.
“Daddy said what?”
“He said, ‘As long as I’m living and breathing, she’s safe. You’re safe …’ ” She faltered.
“Just say it, dammit.” My voice was urgent and angry. Something else was coming, something I didn’t want to hear.
“ ‘I love her like she was my own.’ That’s what Daddy said.”
There it was. My first certain step into an abyss of lies.
“Tommie, it doesn’t mean anything.”
We both knew it meant everything. But she kept up the pretense. “That’s why I never told you. The next morning, everything was normal. Mama made scrambled eggs with cheese and green chiles, my favorite. She was smiling, relaxed, like nothing had happened. It all seemed like a dream. Really, maybe it was.”
All that detail, down to the chiles in the eggs. Not a dream. Her next words confirmed that.
“It was selfish, keeping it a secret.” She hesitated. “I was just furious that you were going so far away. Not fair to you, I know. But nothing was fair. Maddie had been diagnosed by then and we’d moved back to the ranch. Daddy had taken over. I was a mess, a single mom with no plan. I wanted you to come home and fix it all.”
She didn’t need to tell me. I remembered. The need to carve out my own life, to be on my own, had overwhelmed everything else.
She slid back into the booth, reaching her hands across the table.
“Please say something,” she pleaded.
I ignored the gesture. I didn’t want her comfort. My mind was numb.
“What are y’all talking about?” Maddie’s warm body was suddenly pressing against me.
Neither of us answered.
“You know, you can turn those into jorts,” she said.
“What?” I asked. Maddie was dragging me back from the edge, one little girl tug at a time.
“Those jeans. We can cut them off into shorts. Jorts.”
CHAPTER 7
I left Sadie’s trailer after an animated round of chess with Maddie where so many salt and pepper shakers and lipstick tubes were standing in for pieces that it was a game just to remember what was what.
I was beginning to think she was losing pieces on purpose to make the challenge more interesting.
Maddie is the great love of my life.
Sweet, eager, daring, and very,
“It was the night after you left for Wyoming. The first time, to do the internship. I surprised them.”
She stopped.
“Surprised who?” My voice was impatient. I thought we’d always told each other everything. Well, at least I’d thought she always told
me
everything.
“Mama and Daddy. Tommie, please don’t be mad at me.”
“Sadie, just tell me.”
“They were fighting in the kitchen. At the table. They didn’t know I’d come in the front door. It was late. Dark outside. I’d been with the horses in the barn. It was raining and I was filthy. I started up the stairs to the shower, but then I stopped. I’d never heard them so angry at each other before.”
I watched her pretty throat constrict as she swallowed, hard.
“Mama said it wasn’t safe for you to go to Wyoming, that it was too far away. That Daddy better stop you. Daddy told her that she needed to trust him. Hadn’t he protected us so far? He said it might be the safest place on earth for you to be, in a place backed up to wilderness. That they wouldn’t find you.”
Mama always worried we were too far away. In our mother’s perfect world, I would have attended the TCU school of music, become a teacher, married, built my own place on the ranch, and borne three children by now. After the bull crushed any future as a pianist, Mama imagined the most ordinary life possible for me.
But who were “they”?
Sadie glanced over at Maddie, who was glued to a black-and-white image of the irascible Scout, and her tone dropped lower.
“Daddy said … Oh, I don’t know if I can tell you this.”
She seemed close to tears.
“Daddy said what?”
“He said, ‘As long as I’m living and breathing, she’s safe. You’re safe …’ ” She faltered.
“Just say it, dammit.” My voice was urgent and angry. Something else was coming, something I didn’t want to hear.
“ ‘I love her like she was my own.’ That’s what Daddy said.”
There it was. My first certain step into an abyss of lies.
“Tommie, it doesn’t mean anything.”
We both knew it meant everything. But she kept up the pretense. “That’s why I never told you. The next morning, everything was normal. Mama made scrambled eggs with cheese and green chiles, my favorite. She was smiling, relaxed, like nothing had happened. It all seemed like a dream. Really, maybe it was.”
All that detail, down to the chiles in the eggs. Not a dream. Her next words confirmed that.
“It was selfish, keeping it a secret.” She hesitated. “I was just furious that you were going so far away. Not fair to you, I know. But nothing was fair. Maddie had been diagnosed by then and we’d moved back to the ranch. Daddy had taken over. I was a mess, a single mom with no plan. I wanted you to come home and fix it all.”
She didn’t need to tell me. I remembered. The need to carve out my own life, to be on my own, had overwhelmed everything else.
She slid back into the booth, reaching her hands across the table.
“Please say something,” she pleaded.
I ignored the gesture. I didn’t want her comfort. My mind was numb.
“What are y’all talking about?” Maddie’s warm body was suddenly pressing against me.
Neither of us answered.
“You know, you can turn those into jorts,” she said.
“What?” I asked. Maddie was dragging me back from the edge, one little girl tug at a time.
“Those jeans. We can cut them off into shorts. Jorts.”
CHAPTER 7
I left Sadie’s trailer after an animated round of chess with Maddie where so many salt and pepper shakers and lipstick tubes were standing in for pieces that it was a game just to remember what was what.
I was beginning to think she was losing pieces on purpose to make the challenge more interesting.
Maddie is the great love of my life.
Sweet, eager, daring, and very,
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