this tiny office. Carl said it got pretty awkward and very hot.
When the manager finally did come, the alarm went off. The police came, but Carl sneaked out and started to drive off. The police shot at him, a bullet went straight through his Afro, and Carl shit in his pants. He had to sit in the back of the police car while they wrote up the report, with his pants full of shit. I said, “You’re kidding,” and Carl said, “Shoot, you have a bullet go through your hair, you’d crap yourself, too, I don’t care who you are.” Carl is a wonder.
I talked to my agent today. He thinks maybe I should do a television series. I would like to do something where I have to work all the time. Keep my mind off my mind, as it were. Get up real early in the morning, act like someone else all day, and fall asleep at night. A perfect job for me.
The fix that doesn’t.
… So I go in to watch The Outer Limits and maybe see some Star Trek before bullshit group therapy-I know we’re supposed to be writing our drug inventory, but they can just hold their breath be fore I’m gonna write that-and all the guys are sitting watching basketball. I loathe basketball. And they’re all doing that macho yelling shit. I don’t care if it is the play-offs. We always watch The Outer Limits. As far as this place can go, it’s a tradition. I’ve gotta get out of here.
Suzanne is in Carol’s room. Why are they always together? I’m starting to think Suzanne may be a little bit of a snob. What does she think, that she’s too great to talk to me? 1 mean, all right, sure, maybe I haven’t talked to her, but I’ve seen her talking to a lot of other people on the unit. I don’t think I’m so unavailable and unappealing.
Julie sort of cornered me when she said 1 was isolating myself from the group. I’m not isolating myself, they’re all ignoring me. I’m
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C A R R I EF I S HER
not saying it’s deliberate, but it’s not going completely unnoticed, let’s put it that way.
What do I care? I have plenty of friends out of here. But why won’t she just come up and talk to me? I heard her on the phone yesterday talking to her agent. I wish I could make a business call so she could overhear how fabulous I was and how together my life was, and then she’d come up and ask me something about business.
That’s it! That’s what I’ll do. I’ll call … No, I won’t call anybody. I’ll pretend I’m calling my literary agent. Suzanne’s in Carol’s room right next to the phone so she’ll be sure to overhear this. All right, I’m gonna do it. It’s a great idea. So what do I say? I’ll say I’ve got the idea for this drug rehab thing and I’m … Wait, I don’t want to give away the whole plot. I’ll just casually say I have a great idea. Be very vague. Don’t give anything specific away. All right. All right, here I go.
Oh, fucking Christ! Carl is on the phone. This is unbelievable, this is truly, truly unbelievable. Jesus, I hate this place. He’s probably talking to his dumb wife. He’s always fighting with his wife. Why do I have to know all this stuff about his life?
“Hey, man, you gonna be long? I gotta make a business call:” That sounded real cool. I bet she overheard that.
“Thanks, man:”
I’ll just dial a fake number and I’ll say … What name should I use? Jeff. Jeff … Markoff.
“Jeff Markoff, please. Alex Daniels. I’ll hold … Jeff? Hi, it’s Alex. Sorry I took so long to get back to you.”
That sounded so great. Oh, here she comes, she’s coming out of the room. Okay, okay, casually turn your back to her and throw your voice over your shoulder.
“So, Jeff, about the idea we pitched to Fox. I think I’m ready to do a first draft and … Oh, great, great. The deal went through? Great. Yeah, great. You tried to call here? Yeah, it’s always busy. There’s always, you know, people on the phone. Well, I’ll be waiting for you to send over the contracts. Oh, sure, well, I’ll sign them
When the manager finally did come, the alarm went off. The police came, but Carl sneaked out and started to drive off. The police shot at him, a bullet went straight through his Afro, and Carl shit in his pants. He had to sit in the back of the police car while they wrote up the report, with his pants full of shit. I said, “You’re kidding,” and Carl said, “Shoot, you have a bullet go through your hair, you’d crap yourself, too, I don’t care who you are.” Carl is a wonder.
I talked to my agent today. He thinks maybe I should do a television series. I would like to do something where I have to work all the time. Keep my mind off my mind, as it were. Get up real early in the morning, act like someone else all day, and fall asleep at night. A perfect job for me.
The fix that doesn’t.
… So I go in to watch The Outer Limits and maybe see some Star Trek before bullshit group therapy-I know we’re supposed to be writing our drug inventory, but they can just hold their breath be fore I’m gonna write that-and all the guys are sitting watching basketball. I loathe basketball. And they’re all doing that macho yelling shit. I don’t care if it is the play-offs. We always watch The Outer Limits. As far as this place can go, it’s a tradition. I’ve gotta get out of here.
Suzanne is in Carol’s room. Why are they always together? I’m starting to think Suzanne may be a little bit of a snob. What does she think, that she’s too great to talk to me? 1 mean, all right, sure, maybe I haven’t talked to her, but I’ve seen her talking to a lot of other people on the unit. I don’t think I’m so unavailable and unappealing.
Julie sort of cornered me when she said 1 was isolating myself from the group. I’m not isolating myself, they’re all ignoring me. I’m
43
C A R R I EF I S HER
not saying it’s deliberate, but it’s not going completely unnoticed, let’s put it that way.
What do I care? I have plenty of friends out of here. But why won’t she just come up and talk to me? I heard her on the phone yesterday talking to her agent. I wish I could make a business call so she could overhear how fabulous I was and how together my life was, and then she’d come up and ask me something about business.
That’s it! That’s what I’ll do. I’ll call … No, I won’t call anybody. I’ll pretend I’m calling my literary agent. Suzanne’s in Carol’s room right next to the phone so she’ll be sure to overhear this. All right, I’m gonna do it. It’s a great idea. So what do I say? I’ll say I’ve got the idea for this drug rehab thing and I’m … Wait, I don’t want to give away the whole plot. I’ll just casually say I have a great idea. Be very vague. Don’t give anything specific away. All right. All right, here I go.
Oh, fucking Christ! Carl is on the phone. This is unbelievable, this is truly, truly unbelievable. Jesus, I hate this place. He’s probably talking to his dumb wife. He’s always fighting with his wife. Why do I have to know all this stuff about his life?
“Hey, man, you gonna be long? I gotta make a business call:” That sounded real cool. I bet she overheard that.
“Thanks, man:”
I’ll just dial a fake number and I’ll say … What name should I use? Jeff. Jeff … Markoff.
“Jeff Markoff, please. Alex Daniels. I’ll hold … Jeff? Hi, it’s Alex. Sorry I took so long to get back to you.”
That sounded so great. Oh, here she comes, she’s coming out of the room. Okay, okay, casually turn your back to her and throw your voice over your shoulder.
“So, Jeff, about the idea we pitched to Fox. I think I’m ready to do a first draft and … Oh, great, great. The deal went through? Great. Yeah, great. You tried to call here? Yeah, it’s always busy. There’s always, you know, people on the phone. Well, I’ll be waiting for you to send over the contracts. Oh, sure, well, I’ll sign them
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